Eurovision 2020

As you may remember (who the fuck even was I in 2010? Was that dude real?), one of my favorite things in the whole Goddamn world is the Eurovision Song Contest. For the uninitiated, every year since 1955 an assorted group of European countries (and intermittent guest stars like Russia*, Israel, and Australia) come together and sing pop songs of wildly varying quality at each other’s populations, who then vote on which is the best. 

* I know we pretend it’s a European country, but MOST of it is in Asia and it’s like making a big deal about being 1/16 Cherokee.

A lot of countries send boring-ass man ballads – because what the world needs now, or ever, is a tiny ethereal SadBoi™ from Zurich cooing about the pain of first love. (You think getting broken up with at 19 hurts, missy, you wait until your ass looks like you left it in the car and it melted and you’re rummaging through the discount bin of remaining men. PRICED TO MOVE.) But thanks okay, because that gives you something to fast-forward through on your way to WEIRD SHIT OTHER COUNTRIES DID. Even though the big contest for 2020 was cancelled, I present a selection of the wackiest shit we would have gotten in Rotterdam this spring.

RUSSIA

I hate, hate when Russia does well at Eurovision because they’re such shits to queers generally and Eurovision is the gayest thing since… I don’t know, make your joke, Leslie Jordan having a nervous breakdown at a chiffon warehouse. That said, this is wonderful. (This bank also has songs called “Big Dick” and “Fucking Asshole.”)

AZERBAIJAN

Every country east of Albania or so includes that weird Middle Eastern horn in their song, which would be a cheap “exotic” gimmick if it didn’t sound so cool. Also, wait for the fucking breakdown here. Also, I want that car. 

GREECE

This song is not off the “chain,” as they say, but the video is funny simply because most teenagers I have known would NOT have used their powers for good. Tell me that if you had gotten powers in the tenth grade you would not have made the cutest boy love you and then reigned from a throne of skulls for a thousand years (or until puberty ended and you calmed down).