Valtrexia

Before we get to this week's T.G.I. Hagman and "Jersey Shore" recap, here are three things that have nothing to do with anything:

1.) I was running dangerously low on dishwasher detergent last night, so I squirted dish soap all over the dishes to make up for it, and I may have gone a wee bit overboard:

That's obviously just soap that overflowed from the dishwasher into my sink, but it also kind of looks like a big 'ole mess of ejaculate. Because I'm "feisty" and I like to "razz" my roommates (ask Ex-Co Blogger Chris about the time I gave him a back rub with icy hot because I couldn't find any lotion and was kind of curious to see what would happen. HA HA. Me.), I took a picture and tried to tweet, "kicked @dankoe out because I came home and he was jerking off into the sink. guess he's Y bound again," but our stolen whorish Internet went out for half the night and cockblocked my joke. Which was frustrating. So I'm telling you now. Dan came in the sink. Except you already know it's soap. So...Yeah. This didn't really turn out how I planned.

2.) The following is a banner ad that's always on Hulu:

Just like how I can't look at the logo for the show "10 Things I Hate About You" and not see "10 Things I Hate About Iraq", I can't look at that banner ad and not see "SHAVE A KID WITH CANCER!" Every single time. And every single time I think, "Well that seems a bit off-color. But not completely un-fun..." until I realize what it actually says and feel like an asshole for entertaining the thought of hog-tying a kid with cancer down and shearing him like a lamb because a banner ad told me to. The power of suggestion...

and 3.) Speaking of grossly misreading things, Laura wrote me a check last week for some of the camping necessities I bought (i.e.: Hat and beer) and I put it on the fridge without reading it and walked away. A few days ago I went to get something out of the freezer, saw it and completely thought that she wrote the amount as "forty dollars and no cunts."

And the disturbing thing is, when I misread it, I didn't think it was odd at all. I was like, "HA HA, Laura. That minx," and walked away. Embarrassingly, it took days until it clicked that it seems slightly out of character for Laura to write "cunts" on anything, nevertheless something both of our banks are going to see. And that's when I realized that it says "cents". And that's when I called my mom to confirm that she didn't drink when I was in the womb. And that's when I got her voicemail, so it's still anyone's guess. And that's when you diagnosed me with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. And that's when I respected your medical opinion.

Speaking of alcohol, I believe it's time to check in with America's favorite 79-year-old bourbon juggernaut. It's T.G.I. Hagman!

As of 4:28am on October 15, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And dying to hear about what happened on last night's episode of Jersey Shore, so let's get to it, shall we?

As I'm sure we all remember, last week The Situation was being, as Pauly D puts it, really "negative" and "sour". Meaning he was grouchy and grumpy and, you know, blatantly hit Snooki in the face because she didn't want to leave the clerb when he did. Just average actions of someone with a casual case of the Mondays. To make amends, The Situation goes into Snooki's room the next morning, gives her a quick dry hump and begs for her forgiveness, which she begrudgingly gives him. Did anyone else notice that The Situation had a giant wad of cash in his hand during the entirety of this scene? Look Mike Sorrentino, the whole world knows you made 5 million dollars this year, I don't think you need to walk around with giant wads of cash in your front paws at all times to prove it. It's a bit gouche, don't you think? I'm going to start walking around town with giant fistfuls of nickels and quinoa rice and see where that gets me. Fake it until you make it, sister. Fake it until you make it.

Snooki's best friend, Ryder, who's been in town goes home and Snooki is the saddest girl in Sad Town about it. She goes out to the patio and cries hysterically and confides in J-WOWW that she wants to leave early because she misses her friends and family and people who are real. Even though at this point they have like two days left in the house or something equally ridiculous. Not that I'm judging. I'm not saying I'd pass up an opportunity to be snuggling with Talia right now (especially since as someone in yesterday's comments pointed out, she's got a shape to her) (slash you shut that fast mouth of yours, that's my Facebook wife we're talking about.) (Slash it's been a while, Talia; wouldn't hate a poke...) (And that's Facebook lingo, mom. I haven't moved on from Anna to Talia. Despite the DC/South Korea thing, we're still going strong, a-thank you.), I'm just saying you get paid $10,000 per episode. Frame a picture, think of the money and power through for 48 hours.

To cheer Snooki up, the house decides to go to Space that night. Space is apparently the closest thing Miami has to an authentic New York style club. It's got gorillas and juice heads and tan girls and tiny nets for genital crabs and good drinks and stays open crazy late. The gang is pumped because everyone's been dying to go there, which begs the question why didn't they just go there one of the 5,000 other nights they went to Bed or Tantra? But again, why I'm still trying to suss out logic in this show is beyond me. They head to Space at 1 (which prompted me to yell, "A.M.?!?!?!" and feel like a giant loser because by that time I'm usually drunk and in bed with a gyro or asleep) and everything is fine for a few hours, until Snooki gets in a fight with two random girls sitting next to her on a couch. I would love to tell you what happened, but your guess is as good as mine. I don't think even MTV knows what happened. And nobody really tries to explain what happened or fill in any of the missing information gaps. For the amount of willing suspension of disbelief that's involved with this show, you'd think it would be some avant garde art house shit instead of a reality show with a lazy mic job on a creed of people with whom things escalate quickly. Christ.

Mid-fight, The Situation jumps in and tells one of the random ho's guy friends to leave and "bring your bitch with you." At that point, the shit hits the fan (or "hit shits the fan," as I wrote in my notes because if this post illustrates anything, it's that I have severe dyslexia,) and they all get kicked out of the clerb. It's "only" 3am though, so everyone moves on to a different clerb, except for The Situation and Pauly D who grab two scantily clad ladies on their way out and go home to [shudder, shudder] "get it in".

Pauly D's girl is DTF but, as seems to be becoming a pattern, The Situation's girl just wants to braid each other's hair, get hopped up on Pepsi and play Mall Madness all night. Which doesn't sound completely horrible to me frankly, but The Situation has zero time for girls who aren't DTF. Upon finding out that his girl doesn't drink or hook up with people and has only had sex with one guy, he uses his mouth to pick her up by the scruff of her neck, walks her outside the den, drops her, nudges some courtesy gazelle meat her way with his nose, and saunters back into his room for a mighty lion nap. Slightly mortified by the treatment of her friend, Pauly D's girl excuses herself and leaves too, even though she was totally DTF. Soooo...sucks for Pauly D.

The next day Mike retells this story to J-WOWW, but in his version, his girl was a total grenade so he just had to kick her out and he gave Pauly D's girl the boot too because he's just such a player like that. Lying to cover up your own rejection on reality television is a...unique decision, I guess. I don't think I'd go that way personally, but then again, I'm the one with nickels and quinoa rice and not 5 million dollars, so hey. Go with god.

That night, Mike cooks chicken parm for Sunday night family dinner, burns the chicken and ends up setting the fire alarm off when he puts a hot pan under cold water. The fire department comes and Snooki and J-WOWW are excited because they get to oogle "prime meat of men". The firemen kind of open a few windows and wave a few magazines around while trying to talk to the cast as little as humanly possible and eventually leave them to their dinner.

After dinner, they're all sitting around talking about exotic looking girls when Sammi says that she thinks she looks exotic. Ronnie agrees and says, "You look Asian; I like it." And Oooo0o0o0o is he in for it! Because his ex-girlfriend is Asian and now Sammi thinks he's only dating her because she looks like his ex-girlfriend. Normally I'd gloss right over this because I'd rather gnaw off one of my talons than dissect any more of the Ronnie/Sammi/"Everyone Loves Raymond" plot line, but it did spawn this conversation between Dan and Laura, with whom I was watching this:

Dan: Laura, have you ever hooked up with an Asian before? Or like, had a trsyt?

Laura: [after 15 solid seconds of thought] I hooked up with a German once?

D: Oh. So, the opposite of an Asian.

...It just really hit the spot for me.

This week's comic relief: The boys go tanning and their car gets towed because The Situation thinks it's acceptable to slap one of those "Ocean City, Maryland — PARKING FOR THE SITUATION ONLY!" signs that you get on the boardwalk when you're 12 onto the real parking sign and call it a day. But then he goes and picks up his Escalade and pulls $170 in cash out of his pocket and that's the end of that, whereas if this were me, there would have been a lot more public crying, phone calls to my parents and money wiring involved. So, again, nickels and quinoa rice.

That night nobody feels like going out except for the boys who head to Tantra. There, Pauly D and The Situation meet two girls from "Canadia" who walk up to them and are like, "Hi, can we have sex with you to be on TV for a hot minute?" And the boys are like, "CAN YOU!" and head back to the house. Unfortunately once in bed, yet again, Pauly D's girl is DTF while The Situation's just wants to polish her chastity belt and talk about her fiance. Instead of being a good wingman and entertaining her so Pauly D can bang out his girl right quick, The Situation yells at her for wasting his time, kicks her out, and she gets so upset that Pauly D's girl goes too, leaving him with blue balls. Pauly D thinks he's going to need to have a talk with The Situation about what it means to be a good wingman. Sometime. In the near future, maybe. If there's time. And then the episode just kind of...ends.

FIN.

Welp, that's going to do it for us this week at 2b1b. As always, thank you so much for reading, forwarding to your friends, following us on Twitter, joining the Facebook page, emailing and all of those wonderful things that you do. We really appreciate it. Have a great weekend and we'll see you right back here Monday morning. Buh-bye.