Queer Abby (with special guest, Diane McBlogger!)

[Sorry this is late. I tried to illegally download Spun and it crashed everything on my computer and I almost set my apartment on fire. Which is one of the more embarrassing reasons to be late with a blog post, but at least it's honest.]

I was, and still am, at a complete loss re: last week's Queer Abby questions. They were all about relationships. But like, loving, mature, adult relationships. That's not so much my area of expertise. Questions about hating your job, depression, casual hook ups, fake hair, gummy cuisine, or 1970's soap operas? I'm your girl. Debating whether or not you should stay with the one you love? I immediately feel uncomfortable and say good day to you, sir. When it comes to Queer Abby, I can usually handle 1/3 questions about real-people relationships, but all three? Ooof, that's a tall order. Ergo, I brought in someone this week who's slightly more knowledgeable on this subject matter—my mom, of married for 37 years fame. (Actually, we did this last Wednesday night when I come home from happy hour considerably drunker than I meant to. I don't 100% remember this conversation, but I'm pretty impressed with myself for transcribing it so meticulously. Meg McBlogger: you surprise me.)

Meg: Hi mom. Sorry this is happening so late, I got significantly drunker at happy hour than I thought. But I got Gatorade and fiber cereal at CVS afterwards, so I feel like we can power through this. [Note: that fiber cereal was one of the worst drunk decisions I've ever made. I got Fiber One Caramel Delight because in my drunken state I was like, "HEY-O, it's like a Cinnamon Toast Crunch that'll make me shit until I'm skinny! I'm on board with that!" Uh, no. It tastes like what I imagine licking a caramel flavored old person to be like.]

Diane: Well at least you're honest. Drunk honest.

Meg: I feel so incredibly sick. I don't know why I drank pumpkin flavored beer.

D: Wow. I sure as hell don't either. Who did you go to Happy Hour with?

M: Helena and College Roommate Rachel.

D: Oh, lovely.

M: It was.

D: I'm glad.

M: Me too.

D: Alright, let's get this over with.

Dear Queer Abby,

I have a dilemma and need some of your great advice (and meg's too!).

I'm currently a senior in college and am in a long distance relationship. He just moved to the east coast for a job, I'm on the west coast for school. We've been dating happily for almost 2 years but lately I've been feeling
weird about it and I can tell that he's not really enjoying the situation either. To make things even more confusing for me, I met the most amazing guy that I am starting to really like. I feel so conflicted that I can be in love with my boyfriend but also want to date other people. Is that even possible? I'm thinking I want to go on a break but I don't want my boyfriend out of my life.

Please advise,
- Stumped Senior

It’s perfectly understandable that you aren’t crazy about the long-distance thing; I even think it’s understandable that your attention might wander a little given his absence. So if you were pretty convinced this guy was ‘the one’, that would be one thing. But considering the fact that he just left and you’re already questioning the arrangement… if you feel like a break is what you need, then yea, I think that’s probably the best decision.

It’s definitely a decision you should involve him in though, for two reasons: a) out of respect for him, the last two years and the gravity of this decision and b) because it’s bound to go down way better (and, therefore, more likely that you’ll remain part of his life) if it seems like you guys arrive at the decision together, as opposed to it coming off like you’re dictating what’s gonna happen.

So, open up the conversation with him and be as honest and sincere as possible. Say something along the lines of “listen, this long distance thing is really hard and the future is super uncertain—you’re starting a new life over there and there’s no telling where I’m going to be this time next year… Sometimes I just wonder if we wouldn’t be a little better off if we took some time apart to get our respective lives sorted out to see if it’s really possible down the road and make sure that’s what we want.” Or something along those lines anyway. Basically, make your case, throw the idea out there and see what he has to say about it. You don’t have to make the decision in one night—talk about it a little bit. Before long you’ll start to get a stronger sense of what you really want and need. And even if you still don’t want to be in a relationship with him, and he totally disagrees, at least you let him weigh in, gave it due thought, and did it right. Hopefully he’ll appreciate that.

D: Well, when you commit yourself to someone else, that doesn't mean you will not be attracted to other people.

M: WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. Time out. Is this your subtle way of telling me that you've cheated on Dad?

D: I'm not talking about me, Meghan.

M: Damn straight. Proceed.

D: Although you might be attracted to other people, it's the strength of your commitment that will determine whether you say, "Oh he's really cute," or if you decide, "Hey, I'm not that committed to Joe Blow after all," and go after this guy. Because you'll always be exposed to other people and there will always be really handsome, really cool guys out there. But that's what making a commitment to someone means: that you won't act on it. But if you feel strongly that you should act on it; then you should act on it. I just think it matters how seriously she's taking this commitment to this other guy. If the first time he's away some hot guy walks across her path and she feels tempted, maybe she should question it.

M: I don't know what "I feel weird about it" means. That's vague.

D: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I know people who sustained bicoastal relationships and it's worked, and I know people who have tried and it hasn't worked. Me personally? I'd always be wondering.

M: Well you and Dad did a DC/New York long distance thing for a while. Did you ever feel tempted to cheat on him?

D: No. I mean, I never really went to clubs though; I was just hanging out. I never felt tempted. Once I've made a commitment to somebody, that's that. I certainly appreciate a good looking man--still can. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy life, but I'd never act on it. There's too much at stake it would be wrong.

M: Well, you couldn't. You and Dad had to get married and bless the world with the magic that is Meghan McBlogger.

D: [Laughs] Right.

M: Damnit...

D: I think she needs to examine her sense of commitment to this guy and really think about the fact that when you're committed to someone, you don't stop finding people attractive, but you stop acting on it.

M: Do you believe in breaks?

D: I think that's just a way of saying, "I want to cheat, I want to sleep with someone else, but I don't want to cheat, so let's do this for a while." Again, I know people who have done it and gotten back together and those who haven't. It really puts a relationship to a test.

M: It did for Ross and Rachel.

D: Who?

M: Ross and Rachel! "Friends"!

D: Oh. True. I need to clip Evie's claws.

M: Where is she?

D: Sitting in my lap, being a good girl.

M: Oh, hey buddy!

D: I think you're kidding yourself when you say, "Let's take a break. Let's say let's not be exclusive with each other, but let's still be in each other's life."

M: Yeah, but do you think there's anything wrong with that?

D: No. I just think she has to figure out how she feels. Nobody can tell her that. She should come to a few realizations about her feelings before she brings it to him. Don't go up to him and say, "Hey! I'm not sure if I love you!" You figure out what you're comfortable with and then tell him, "I've been examining the situation and I feel like this and I hope it's OK with you."

M: So what you're trying to tell me is that this girl has some serious soul searching to do. Skippin' rocks. Long walks on the beach in cable knit sweaters clutching herself. Sitting on park benches watching children play with a far away look on her face.

D: Right...Ooo, Evie sees a stink bug!

Hi Queer Abby and Meg,

Where do you stand on the issue of cheating men? Because I find myself in a bit of a pickle. I've been dating a guy for over 2 years now. He's funny, sweet, we're really in love (etc etc)...and I thought he was perfect until about 6 months ago. I should explain that we were both in Spain on separate study abroad programs, with slightly different circles of friends. A few weeks into our programs, I started noticing suspicious pictures popping up on Facebook of some of the girls in his program...sitting on his lap, hugging him in pictures, etc. Red flag. I confronted him about it, and he said nothing was going on.

Then about 6 months ago, back in the States, I found out (through a girl friend of HIS, mind you) that he had drunkenly made out with one of these biddies at a party in Spain that I was not at. At the "cheating" time, we had been dating ten months. Obviously, I confronted him about his make-out "indiscretion", and he said it was a one-time drunken mistake. He swears he's never cheated on me in any other capacity, before or since. My argument is that he's a fan of the booze on occasion, so short of going crazy-restrictive-girlfriend on his ass, how do I know he won't play tonsil hockey again whilst inebriated?

What really chaps my ass is a) how I found out...he admitted he planned to never tell me! Good thing his bimbo friend spilled the beans and b) How do we rebuild the trust we had? I feel like one of those girls who is being blinded by love, and I HATE feeling like that. I swore if my boyfriend ever cheated in any way, I'd always walk out. Am I an idiot for sticking around? When I rationalize it, he makes me happy in every other way, and maybe it was just a stupid one-time makeout. I'm just terrified at the thought that he has hooked up with other girls while we've been dating. My friends who know us both well agree with him that this was a one-time thing. I need an outsider perspective because I'm too deep in the mud to see clearly (is that even an expression?). What would you do in this situation?!

Feeling Powerless Over La Situacion

What do I think I’d do in this situation? Leave. Have I always felt that way? No. Have I ever stayed with a cheater? Yep. Did that work out well? Sure didn’t.

….But could it have worked out differently??? Entirely.

I’m just saying this is one of those decisions only you can make, because the most important thing here is that you feel good about what you do. It’s not good that you feel powerless right now and, whether you chalk it up to the cheating or subsequent jealousy, a lack of trust/security in a relationship is usually kind of a kill-shot. So, as it stands you need to either

A) Stay in the relationship fully knowing and trusting all of your reasons for doing so (not only so you can remind yourself of them when you start feeling insecure/jealous/crazy-pants, but also so you can still respect yourself and your decision if, by chance, he cheats again). OR

B) Walk away with 100% confidence in why you’re doing it so you don’t waste the next however-long wondering if you made the right decision or waiting for him to unequivocally redeem himself and regain your trust all of the sudden.

I realize it’s easier said than done, but you need to figure out which one of those options you’re leaning toward/would make you feel best about yourself and run with it whole-heartedly.

I will say this though: I don’t like that he point blank lied to you about it and even admitted he would’ve never told you. That makes it really hard to trust him now when he says he hasn’t cheated again. So if you do stay with him please bear in mind that he’s in the doghouse with good reason; therefore, he definitely shouldn’t be doing anything that makes you feel the need to pull any crazy-restrictive-girlfriend stuff. You seem sane and like you really want to forgive him, so if you start to feel yourself acting that way then it’s probably a decent indication that things aren’t working out—regardless of whether it’s because you’ve lost too much trust or because he’s being dodgy.

D: What would you do?

M: If I'm being completely honest, I'd stay with him. But I think that's mostly because I'm not a particularly intelligent person and I don't want to be alone.

D: I feel like it's probably he'll do it again. You can never be certain, but it's probable. I mean, he already admitted he had no intentions of telling her he did it.

M: Yeah, but again, being 100% honest, if I got drunk one night and made out with some dude who wasn't my boyfriend, I don't think the next day I'd sit my boyfriend down at a Caribou and be like, "Oh, by the way, I should probably tell you that I made out with some dude last night. XOXOXO."

D: No, but that makes the other person feel like a total idiot when they find out. Humiliated and angry. Hurt and really mad.

M: If this were me and my boyfriend made out with some random ho, what would you tell me to do?

D: It's hard because you just never know. I tend to think that people show their true colors when they're drunk.

M: My true colors are greatly regretting the combination of nachos and pumpkin beer.

D: If he didn't have a problem doing it once, he won't have a problem doing it again. It's one of those things where he'll be sorry he got caught, but not sorry it happened. I think there's some men who don't have the same ethics. They think it's fine if they don't get caught. Like, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. And if she's going to be worried about this for the rest of their relationship, then she owers it to herself to be in a better relationship. I agree with Amy on that.

M: So quit wasting her own time and move on?

D: I wouldn't put it that way or she'll be hurt.

M: ...?

D: She should have more respect for herself than to do that. He should think enough of her that he wouldn't do that to her, whether he planned to or not. Something in his head should say, "this would really hurt her and I shouldn't do it." Cheating on someone is incredibly disrespectful. It's not necessarily saying, "you're not enough for me," it's just saying, "I'm going to do whatever I want without regard to how it's going to respect you." If he did it once, I tend to think he'll do it again.

M: Do you think she's dumb if she stays?

D: I don't think she's dumb, I just think she should think enough of herself that she should want to be treated well all of the time, whether he's drunk or sober.

M: Damn, wise words mom.

D: Now I'll probably get all of the horrible comments, right?

M: Shit, welcome to the club!

hey gals,

love you guys, love the blog. (and meggles, sorry shit is rough for you right now. my friends and i love you, are in the metro area, and would happily pool our pennies and buy you a drink. or some klonopin. just say the word!) [Ed. note: THE WORD. Klonopin. You know my email address.]

i'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance for the brain power you're going to burn up while following this story. it's complicated. if you want me to submit a diagram, holler. [Ed. note: always submit a diagram.]

backstory: since the first grade, i've been bffs^max with kristen. kristen and i went to grade school with this girl hannah. kirsten and hannah are bffs. i like hannah fine, but never really knew her that well/def wasn't/am not bffs with her. fast forward 20 years. hannah marries this guy brent. brent works with this girl sarah. sarah went to high school with my boyfriend bryce and they're pretty good friends.

through a complicated series of events, i come to find out that brent is having an affair with sarah. that's right: my bff's bff's husband is doin' it with my bf's friend. whew.

when i first found out, my attitude was somewhere along the lines of: it's not my business, i haven't seen it with my own two eyes, i'm not going to get into it, i don't want to put kristen in the position of whether to tell hannah or not, it feels like spreading gossip, etc. (though, writing that now makes me feel like kind of a shmuck, not gonna lie) sarah and brent's affair went on for a few months and then stopped... until last weekend when they hooked up again.

now i can't stop thinking about it and how i should tell kristen. bryce's attitude is that sarah shouldn't have told us if she wanted to keep it a secret, especially given that she knows i'm friends with kristen and, by association, with hannah. and he's told me that he sides with me and whatever i decide to do-- a green light to tell kristen, IMO. (though, i can't help feeling like it's going to fuck up their friendship and my relationship with sarah...) i know i have to keep reminding myself that it's about brent and HIS behavior, and the effect his actions have on his wife, etc. and chances are that if it's not sarah he's messing around with, it will be someone else... and better for hannah to know now than 5/10/20 years down the line when there are kids involved. right? (oh, and did i mention that hannah told kristen they're gonna start trying to make babies? ICK!)

so, do i tell kristen? i don't feel like i could tell hannah... but should i cut out the middle man, grow a pair and do that? do i need to use sarah's name? is this a case of sticking my nose in other people's biz/where it doesn't belong? should i punch sarah in the ovaries for being a ho and putting me in this position? should i leave them all anonymous notes in their bedside tables? or should i just sit tight and keep my mouth shut and let his manwhore ways make themselves evident all on their own?

thanks for reading.

signed,
where's snookie when you need her?

This is a really tough one.

I obviously think she deserves to know the truth. If I was her I’d want to know… I’d also want as few other people to know as possible. But you’re not obligated to tell her, per se, and you didn’t do anything wrong here so the burden of having to go through that horribly awkward conversation shouldn’t fall on your shoulders, or even Kirsten’s for that matter. It should fall entirely on him...

So, I think you should give Brent an ultimatum. Tell him you know the score and you don’t want to tell Hannah or Kirsten, but she needs to know. (Furthermore, in lieu of punching her in the ovaries, I’d tell him Sarah’s the one who told you.) I know that’s harsh, but he did it to himself and, ultimately, you’re giving him a chance to man up and finally do the right thing—even if it is under duress. And if you’re worried that either he or Sarah is going to come back to you and beg you not to tell, insist it won’t happen again or give you any shit about it, then do it anonymously. The whole point is making this thier problem, not yours.

To be totally honest, I’m really surprised I’m giving this advice, but seriously it’s not like you’re putting him a situation that he doesn’t 100% deserve to be in… If he didn’t want this day-of-reckoning, he shouldn’t have continuously cheated on his wife. And you/Kirsten shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility of righting his wrong by telling her.

D: Would you want someone telling you that your husband's having an affair with someone?

M: No in the short run, yes in the long run.

D: I think I agree that he should be the one to tell her. I don't think telling her mutual best friend would do any good because I don't think she should be the one to tell her either. I think she should confront him, but if I'm being honest, I don't know if I could.

M: Do you think it's her place to do anything at all?

D: I don't know. Part of me is saying don't tell just to get it off your chest, but the other part is saying if she finds out that the writer knew, she'll either say thanks for trying to protect me, or you knew and why the hell didn't you tell me? I think she should tell the guy.

M: What, email him? Shit, I don't know if I could do that. Is that fucked up to drag her friend in?

D: Well, for moral support because I'd be too chicken shit to do it myself.

M: Girlface should send me his email, I've got nothing to lose.

D: Haha, yeah, really. I would just say, "you're girlfriend is spreading it aorund that you're having an affair with her, I think it's a really shitty thing to do and you should think twice about it. And don't you think if she keep spreading it around, your wife is going to find out about it? Do you want her to?

M: It's so queer that she's telling people about it.

D: It sounds like she wants the wife to find out about it to break up their marriage. Why else would you shoot your mouth off about it? She has nothing to lose. She's not maried to anyone else; he's the one with something to lose. And that's my final answer.

M: I respect that.

D: Alright. Now go make that funny.

M: Mom, I'm going to be honest with you again. I don't think I can make this funny because I think I'm going to go vomit up nachos and pumpkin beer instead.

D: ...............Goodnight, Meghan.

M: Night mom!

And then I threw up. And spent the entire next day throwing up. Soooo, there's that.

Got a question for Meg and Queer Abby? Meg may or may not answer it because she's a stunted adult who doesn't have serious relationships with people and instead makes unique decisions like binge drinking pumpkin beer and ghetto nachos because she's having a rough week. So she makes her mom answers your questions instead. And then edits it a bottle of wine deep because she's pissed off about her computer crashing mid Spun download. Don't you want advice from someone like that?? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!