RAH RAH RECAPS!

Happy T.G.I. Hagman, friends!

As of 5:00am on September 3, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! Alive in my heart, and alive in my loins. (What?) I don't know. (Do you want to talk abou—) No, no I don't. Thank you.

OK, I'm not going to lie; I just watched a gross amount of "Jersey Shore" and my brain is a little fried right now. Not only did I catch up on last week's episode, I also watched this week's episode twice, in a desperate effort to figure out what the fuck was going on. It was definitely an action packed episode, but between the thick accents, odd Jersey terminology, shouting, people talking over each other and bleeped-out words, I had no god given idea what was happening 9 times out of 10. It was like taking the SATs all over again: I was stressed, confused, it was over before I knew it and I was left with a lingering feeling that I maybe just ruined the rest of my life.

Here's a quick recap of last Friday's episode:

J-WOWW and Snooki go out and celebrate Miami Gay Pride Week because what else are two sun-soaked old bags of fake hair and silicone going to do on such a week? → When they get home, Snooki calls Emilio because she's decided to give him a second chance, thereby perpetuating the stereotype that all women have pickles and pastel 80's claw clips for brains → Emilio gets jealous that Snooki danced with gay guys, because if any overly-groomed homosexual is going to bump and grind with her, it's going to be him, god damnit → Snooki's over it, so she dumps him (again) and is really sad about it → The Situation, Pauly D and Vinnie go out to the clerb, come home and marinate their dicks in a big 'ole vat of Hepatitis and Jōvan White Musk → Angelina would rather call The Corey Hotline all day then help clean the kitchen → Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: glory, story, allegory → Let's see what's in the newspaper today: Canada stalls on trade pact → The Situation and Angelina get in a heated fight over the dishes; it resolves itself rather quickly → The girls put THE NOTE in Sammi's room → Sammi finds it and asks Vinnie and Pauly D if it's true; they say it's not because Bros before Correspondence (God, I really wish those two things rhymed... ) → Vinnie tells Ronnie about the note → After reading it, Ronnie decides J-WOWW must be behind it because it contains the word "wisely," and Lord knows that's not in Snooki's Sesame Street Word-A-Day Calendar → Sammi confronts Ronnie about THE NOTE → He admits to taking shots betwixt a waitress's breasts (but really, who hasn't?) and getting a girl's number, but not to hooking up with anyone → Obviously lying, he says later in his confessional, "I'm not a saint. If I walked through a church door right now, I'd probably burst into flames." → Following that logic, if I were him, I'd invest in a fire retardant Ed Hardy t-shirt immediately, as he's covered in more religious iconography than a Latino gangbanger → Sammi gets understandably upset and Ronnie does that guilty guy thing where he's all, "FINE, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?! WHATEVER. I'M DONE WITH YOU! YOU RUINED THIS, NOT ME!" and calls an ex-girlfriend to make her jealous → Sammi asks J-WOWW and Snooki if they left the note in her room and if what it said is true → They're both like, "Ohhh...nope, couldn't have been us. Who knows if any of this is true? Cuz it certainly wasn't us. LOLZ, did we mention it wasn't us? Better call Jessica Fletcher, because this is a mystery!" → The Situation then walks in, reads the note and is like, "HA HA, yep. That is deathly accurate" and walks out to go eat a small ham in the hot tub → The Girls are dead to Ronnie → Ronnie is dead to Sammi → FIN!

Now onto tonight's episode. Christ...I feel like I'm trying to recap Pikey scenes from Snatch.

I think a dog was involved...?

Look, here's the thing about tonight's episode: there was a lot of tension. And there were two very clear sources of said tension:

1.) Ronnie, who refuses to admit he dipped his rosary in half of Miami's holy water, per THE NOTE

and 2.) The girls, who won't fess up to Sammi that they were the ones responsible for THE NOTE

Now, I'm no medical doctor or big city lawyer, but wouldn't it make more sense to tell the truth and clear the air now, as, you know, there's a giant fucking film crew documenting everything you do and the truth is going to be broadcasted from here to Siberia in a matter of months? I just don't get it. But then again, I guess trying to suss out logic in an episode of "Jersey Shore" is a slightly fruitless activity. Better stick to recapping.

This week's episode opens with a fight and closes with a fight. AND THEY WERE BOTH LADY FIGHTS!!!1 Specifically, J-WOWW vs. Sammi. It took me like, 45 minutes of intense scene study and Venn diagramming to figure out why their first fight started, and here's what I've deduced: shit just escalates real quick on this show. That's it. I don't think there's really any more logic to it. One minute J-WOWW, Snooki and Angelina are deciding that they should tell Sammi they're behind THE NOTE and the next J-WOWW and Sammi are circling each other like two roosters in a cockfight. However, after seriously watching this scene a few times and taking diligent notes, I think this is the progression of what happened:

The girls are outside and Snooki convinces J-WOWW to tell Sammi that they were the ones who wrote THE NOTE → J-WOWW asks Angelina to go get Sammi so they can tell her → Angelina's like, "Hey Sammi, they want you to come outside." → Sammi's like, "They sent you to fetch me? If they have something to say, they can come to me." → When Sammi doesn't come out, J-WOWW comes in and is like, "Wow, too good to come talk to us?" ESCALATE, ESCALATE, ESCALATE! → Near fist fight.

That makes sense, right? Jesus, if there was ever a group of people who needed like, one of those rain sticks that only the person holding it can talk, it's the cast of "Jersey Shore".

The next morning, Vinnie wakes up and has an eyelash in his eye. So he and Pauly D go to the optometrist and she picks it out for him. THE AND. I don't know, I just prefer my "Jersey Shore" comedic relief to come in the form of Snooki. That being said, The Situation is always a good source of comedic relief. Although I don't know if it's so much "comedic relief" as it is "this-is-depressing-because-you-actually-treat-women-like-this-and-they-happily-accept-it-so-I'm-going-to-laugh-but-only-to-avoid-crying relief". But at least that's something, right?

The Situation is out at the clerb one night when he spots a "blonde" (and I'm putting "blonde" in quotes there because she's doing some 2002 Dirrty shit where the top layer is blonde and the rest is black and whoo! Ring the alarm.) and he zones in on her and takes her home. However, once home, The Situation likens himself to a Ferrari that's not ready to perform and proceeds to make himself a nice steak dinner while the "blonde" sits on his bed and waits for him to finish eating. When he's done eating, he goes back into his room and hand-to-god says, "You ready for this?" And 2.5 pumps later, he's done, puts her in a cab and sends her on her way. "That's how you get rid of 'em!" he boasts. I just.......I just have to laugh, because there are too many legitimately sad things in my life that I could cry about and "Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino's mistreatment of women" can't be one of them. So ha. Ha ha ha. [Sigh]

But not everything in The Situation's world is roses and half-baked Ferrari metaphors. In this episode, not only does his little sister return to continue her European Tongue Tour of Vinnie's balls and shaft, he also almost (or does? It's questionable...) takes a tranny home. Yep, there's The Situation at the clerb, just minding his own business, when a 6'2" blonde with crimped hair, opera gloves and a velvet choker walks up to him and grumbles, "WHAT'S YOUR SIGN, HOSS?" in his ear. And with that, The Situation obviously fell in love. But in the "Jersey Shore" Miami house, they have a little saying about ambiguous ladies of the night: "If you have to think about it, it is." Just the fact that they had to establish a rule to avoid taking trannies home kind of made me fall in love with this show all over again. I love you, baby. Maybe I don't say it enough, but I really do.

The Situation's problems really pale in comparison to the continuing drama between Sammi and J-WOWW, though. You see, in last week's episode, Sammi volunteered The Girls to cook the next Sunday Family Dinner to switch things up a bit. However when Sunday rolls around, not only does she refuse to help cook, she also refuses to eat J-WOWW's food just to really passive-aggressively stick it to her. Things only get worse when Sammi pries it out of Angelina at work that J-WOWW and Snooki were indeed the ones who wrote THE NOTE. (By the way, Sammi wins Angelina's friendship when she tells her, "I'll be honest with you: I'm friends with you now because I don't have any other friends in the house." Then later that night when Pauly D is so drunk quote Vinnie, "I think he'd make out with me," she happily has a sloppy make out session with him in the back of a cab. Jesus Christ, Angelina...with all this bottom-feeding, I genuinely wouldn't be shocked if you wake up one morning and have turned into an honest-to-god catfish.)

After the gang pour a very, very drunk Pauly D into bed, J-WOWW calls her boyfriend, Tom, and tells him about her night, including that Pauly D got incredibly drunk. After overhearing this, Angelina licks her whiskers, swims into the living room and tells Ronnie and Sammi that J-WOWW is on the phone with someone "talking shit about Pauly D." The three then start talking shit about J-WOWW, but Vinnie is having none of it. He goes and tells J-WOWW what's happening and J-WOWW confronts Angelina. Angelina, rightfully fearing that she's about to be deboned, filleted, cooked, and paired with an oaky white wine, denies that she said anything. This goes back and forth for a little while until Sammi interjects from the kitchen, "WHO CARES?!" Eeeesh. J-WOWW cares. Ergo, ESCALATE, ESCALATE, ESCALATE! → J-WOWW pushes Sammi's face, throws her to the ground and pushes her when she's down. HOWEVER, let's not forget that J-WOWW isn't the only badass female in the house; Sammi played soccer. In college. Have you ever seen the AU field hockey team? Lady collegiate athletes are not fucking around. So Sammi gets up, dusts herself off and slugs J-WOWW in the fucking face, which is exactly where MTV decides to end the episode in a freeze frame, à la any given episode of "Mr. Belvedere." AHHHH, YOU TEASES!

FIN!

Have a great long weekend, babies! Hit us up on Twitter or email if you bored. L8rz.