Blue Days, Black Nights

T.G.I. Hagman, everyone!

As of 3:46am on September 10, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive!

BUT YOU KNOW WHO ISN'T?

1.) Otho from Beetlejuice

and 2.) Mike Edwards, founding member of Electric Light Orchestra, who survived cancer only to be killed last Friday when a 700 pound bale of hay rolled down a hill and landed on his windshield, killing him instantly. First and foremost, I know this is going to sound incredibly country, but that seems like an unreasonably large amount of hay to me and I truly strive to see a bale that big for myself one day. Second, I know it was technically the hay that killed Edwards, but I feel 100% responsible and the guilt is consuming me.

Last week I was over at my sister's apartment and I'm not speaking for her because she has a "real person job" with "real person consequences," but I will say that I was high as a cat and we spent at least an hour sitting at her kitchen table musing about ELO. We weren't even listening to them, Christ only knows how they came up, but all of a sudden there we were—going back and forth all, "The fuckin' Electric Light Orchestra, man. The fuckin' ELECTRIC. LIGHT. ORCHESTRA." Did you know that lead singer Jeff Lynne was the 5th Traveling Wilbury? NEITHER DID I. Go ahead, try to name them all. You had to stop after Tom Petty, didn't you? Well, it was Jeff Lynne. Rebecca McBlogger, man. Rebecca McBlogger. Blowing my mind one ELO fact after the next.

I think at one point during our discussion, I also established the oddly specific fantasy of joining a college a capella group for the sole purpose of performing "Telephone Lines" in an acoustic environment. I don't know. Things were said. (Although I'd just like to state that that still seems like a reasonably good idea sober.) My point being, two days after all of this ELO talk, one of their founding members dies? It just seems suspicious. Do you know how much of my day is spent musing about Larry Hagman? 99%. And the remaining 1% is spent musing about 10-gallon hats in general. It all just makes me very uncomfortable.

And speaking of things that make me uncomfortable, tonight's episode of Jersey Shore was so incredibly meh. I don't know how it couldn't be, what with being sandwiched between last week's powerhouse episode and this Sunday's special, featuring Vinny's pervy uncle "Nino". I can't tell if I should just nutshell it and move directly on to a rant about Rosh Hashana, featuring Mos Def more than you'd think, or if I should just recap the whole damn thing for consistency's sake. I guess recap, right? Recap. A sad, sad recap.

When we last left off, Sammi had just slugged J-WOWW across the face, Mr. Belvedere's mum was in town, George couldn't concentrate on a looming deadline and Kevin was this close to losing his virginity. After last week's freeze frame unfreezes, the entire house just kind of wrassles around for a while. Sammi wrassles J-WOWW, Ronnie wrassles Vinny, Snooki wrassles Ronnie, J-WOWW wrassles Ronnie...just a whole lot of wrasslin' going on. And then that scene just kind of...ends.

The next morning the house is a mess, covered in fake nails, hair extensions and tuna sandwiches. J-WOWW is supposed to go work at the gelato shoppe (or at least I pray to god it's a shoppe and not a shop...) with Ronnie and Sammi, but calls out sick instead. And by calls out "sick", I mean calls out with three broken nails. She literally calls their boss and says, "Hi, I can't come in today; I have to get three broken nails fixed. OK. Bye." Well there's one way I never considered getting out of work with—blatant honesty. Huh. Welp, guess who's calling out sick with a bikini wax next week? (Answer: This girl.)

Despite Ron's penchant for diddling anything with synthetic hair and a pulse before crawling into bed with his girlfriend, he and Sammi are back together and stronger than ever. I was kind of concerned by how genuinely upset this made me. I don't know these people, their actions have absolutely no impact on my life, and yet I spent most of this episode fuming about what a fucking dumb, dumb, dumb girl Sammi is for taking back her boyfriend who openly and unapologetically cheats on her and telling her friends to go fuck themselves for trying to help. I mean, honestly. I was concerned, that is, until Dan texted me at midnight to say, "I've never hated anyone more than I've hated Sammi." RIGHT??!?!?! THANK YOU.

I also got oddly irritated by Angelina's treatment of her new gentleman friend, Jose. Jose is this guy she met at the clerb one night and he's taken her out on a bunch of really nice dates, but she won't put out for him. So then she's at work one day and Jose drops by all dressed to the nines, gives her a watch and she still won't give it up. I mean, not to seem all "will fuck 4 Timex," but that's absurd. Because it's not like she's some chaste young lady who's saving herself for marriage or anything; she pretty much hides under Pauly D's bed every night hoping he'll get morning wood so she can pop out all, "WELP, I'M HERE! BETTER NOT LET THAT GO TO WASTE! LUBED AND READY TO MOVE!!!!1" But then you have a guy who actually treats her well, and she's like, "Gross. We're not like that." These girls are the reason why guys think they have to treat women like shit if they want them to be interested. But you know what? We couldn't all go to forward-thinking east coast liberal arts schools, so I'm going to go ahead and teach these girls a lesson in feminism: when a man gives a woman a present, YOU FUCK THAT MAN IN RETURN TO KEEP THE PRESENTS COMING, OBVS. Audit a women's studies class at the local JC or something. Christ.

Everyone goes out to play pool and it's really tense and awkward, blah blah blah, Angelina insists on wearing giant white sunglasses indoors at all times, which makes her the least squinty cat fish in the pond, blah blah blah, when Snooki fills out applications, she checks "Other" for ethnicity and fills in "Tan", blah blah blah, this has contributed to her not getting the job, blah blah blah, ironically at a tanning salon, blah.

There's a lot of tension between Angelina and Vinny in this episode. Angelina thinks Vinny is a troublemaker and Vinny thinks Angelina is shady and neither of them will shut up about it. Angelina finally confronts Vinny and they get into it for a while. It ends when Vinny says to Angelina (who you will remember refers to herself as the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island,) "Alright 'Kim Kardashian'. Except you're more like Rob Kardashian, you ugly bitch." I'm going to be real honest here and say that that doesn't seem like that harsh of a put-down to me. Because in my opinion, Rob Kardashian is pretty adorable.

He's cute, loves his family, has abs of steel and talks in this really slow and deliberate manner that gets me all hot and bothered. If Vinny really wanted to stick it to Angelina, he should have called her pre-second-face-life Bruce Jenner. Now that shits fucked up. The Meg McBlogger School of Feminism and Biting Put-Downs: now enrolling for the Spring.

That night everyone goes to the clerb, Vinny hooks up with a Hooter's waitress wearing Angel perfume and Angelina breaks out in jealousy hives. Snooki also meets a cute boy in the DJ booth and she quote, "can't wait for him to come home and [makes hand motion] get it in." OK, time out: is this a new phrase with the young kids these days? "Get it in?" Because if so, that's the crassest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And this from the girl who spent an uncomfortable amount of Wednesday's post talking about "tear-stained icy period blood".

Either way, Snooki takes the guy (Dennis) back to the house, and much to Snooki's chagrin, he offers to make them tacos before they hook up. Oh, I'M sorry, Snooki, but that is what I call a catch. Do you know how excited I would be if I took a guy back to my place and he offered to make me a home-cooked meal before our hook up? So excited. Because you could have afterglow leftovers. Think about it. I went home with a guy once who gave me a Capri Sun before we hooked up, and I was like, "This is the best night of my entire life. Chivalry isn't dead." I can't even imagine what I would have thought had he made me tacos. (Truthfully, I'd probably be married right now.)

The next night, everyone goes out to the clerb again, except for Snooki and J-WOWW. Snooki calls Dennis and asks him to come over and bring a hot friend for J-WOWW to hang out with while they "smoosh." Not wanting to spend another night a foot away from Snooki and Dennis having sex, J-WOWW and Snooki clean the "Smoosh Room" and it's pretty disgusting. Dennis calls back later and tells Snooki that he's bringing his friend Marco and they'll be over soon. He also calls her "mommy," which weirds Snooki out, and rightfully so. One time I was hanging out with my sister and she looked distracted, so I asked her what she was thinking about. "...I think Terrance Howard is the only man on Earth I'd ever let call me 'mommy'," she replied. I didn't get it until I saw Hustle & Flow and then I was like, "YEP. That man could absolutely call me mommy." So...note to Terrance Howard.

Dennis finally arrives a little later with his friend Marco, whom Snooki describes as a "grenade grundel chode." I really thought the world was going to end when she made reference to a 1,000 year old Anglo-Saxon epic poem, but then "chode" followed it up and all was right again. Phew. Snooki kicks Marco out spends the rest of the night making sweet, passionate smoosh to Dennis. And speaking of gettin' it on! Angelina and Vinny start making out in the cab on the way home from the clerb and take the party back to Vinny's bed! Quote of the night goes to either The Situation or Pauly D (sorry, they all kind of sound the same) who asks the cab driver, "Can we stop so Vinny can buy a Fossil watch?" Bahahaha...well played, sir(s).

And then the episode ends with uncomfortable night vision footage of Angelina and Vinny hooking up, which I really could have done without. Whatever happened to artfully panning to gauzy drapes blowing in the breeze of an open window?

FIN!

Alright, well that recap fucking sucked. But the episode sucked so I didn't have too much to go on. God damnit...WELP! Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! Get at us on Twitter, Facebook and email, should you feel so inclined. Have a great weekend! Laterz.