If only Jeff Foxworthy had an album of, "you might be dating a homo, IF" jokes...

My Dear Queer,

I cannot believe I am NOT a teenager and need this kind of help. Fuck me. Ok, sooooo I have this "friend"...we will call her "Shit Talker". She used to seem like a good friend, we work together, have a gazzillion mutual friends, blah blah. Well, over the last year, I realize she does nothing but talk behind my back. Like, we are talking once a week I walk into work, or see a mutual friend, and someone has something to tell me, ranging from her hating my boyfriend, to I am pretty FOR MY WEIGHT, to being unhappy with some work-related thing I did. (Like, left early because I COME IN SO EARLY and MY BOSS TELLS ME TO GO) Another thing, I am not fat...just not skinny. And she is obsessed with it and hates other girls if they are skinnier than her. And she just generally talks bad about other people in front of me. So, I just don't think she is a good person or that it is healthy for me to continue a friendship with her. I am not good at confrontation, which is why she has no idea that I know all of this stuff...so my question is what do I do? I know it seems painfully obvious, but I don't want to create an uncomfortable situation at work, cause drama between our friends...my biggest fear is Mommy Daddy get divorced and our friends have to pick weekends with us. Plus, since she is such a conniving bitch, I feel like she could really make my life hell when all I want her to do is leave me alone. If I confront her, I know she will deny it...but she keeps hounding me about why we haven't been hanging out blah blah blah. I am considering moving to another town! I feel like a loser, because I know this seems so pathetic...I swear I am a smart, confident girl...I just REALLY hate tension and drama.

Love,

Feels Like Middle School

P.S. Meg, you rock! (Ed. note: Thanks!)

Dealing with shitty “friends” is not a problem with an age limit, I promise. The older I get the more I realize that maturity is not necessarily a function of age… seriously, it’s kind of depressing…

I don’t really see what you would stand to gain from confronting her at this point. You’re right, she’d probably be a total twit about it, but more importantly, confrontation should be reserved for occasions where a) you think there’s a chance they’ll change their behavior or b) you feel the need to assert how you expect others to treat you…It doesn’t sound like those are your goals right now. I get the sense you won’t miss the friendship at all, and that’s totally fine, but it means that trying to fix her or renegotiate the way the relationship works is kind of pointless.

So you’re on the right track, just stick with just not hanging out with her. You don’t need to go out of your way to avoid her at work or in social situations with mutual friend. Just be civil and treat her as an acquaintance or friend-of-a-friend, but not the type you tell things to or spend qt with. And if she doesn’t stop harassing you about why you guys don’t out more, just keep saying something vague and ubiquitous like, “Sorry, I’ve just had other stuff going on.” Don’t lie and don’t give her more information than you would give anyone you’d qualify as a friend-of-a-friend. It’s really none of her business, unless you want it to be. And don’t feel bad about it--be confident in your decision because it’s the mature thing to do given the options you have in this situation that she created.

It’ll be uncomfortable for a bit (there’s no way around that) but it doesn’t have to be full of tension and drama as long as you don’t play in to it. Take the high road; don’t start talking shit about her to your mutual friends, and when other people try to tell you what she’s saying about you, ask them nicely to stop. Just say, “yea, I don’t know what her deal is, but I’d really prefer not to hear about it.” And that’s seriously hard to do, I know, but she’s where the drama and tension comes from, so distancing yourself from her in every way possible is the best way to insulate yourself from it. Eventually she’ll blow her credibility with people (if she hasn’t already), you’ll prove your worth (despite what she says), and she’ll start to look petty and ridiculous for talking shit on someone who’s obviously outgrown her and has better things to do than be bothered by it.

Well. This is awkward. Amy pretty much said everything I would have said and I have virtually nothing to add. Nothing. Not even a comical anecdote. Awkward. I feel like I can't get it up. And this never happens to me. But like, ever. Ask anyone! I can give you references. Don't look at me like that. I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU. I'M TIRED. I HAVE TO WORK EARLY. I'VE BEEN DRINKING. I JUST JERKED OFF. I HAVE A HEADACHE. [If I could dramatically storm out of a blog post, I would right......now.]

Dear Queer Abby,

I have to start by giving you some background here. I have a very close (straight) male friend that I've known for years now. Most of our friends believe that we have been secretly been dating, as he's never dated anyone and spends most of his time with me (and we're always hugging, sitting close together, he opens doors and pays for things, etc.). We recently discussed our feelings for each other and he confessed he felt weird about me dating other guys, and said that he loved me but was not IN love with me. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him but didn't tell him so, I didn't want to mess up our friendship.

On the other hand, there's another guy who is extremely interested in me. We've gone on one date already and he's waiting for me to okay a second. I have some feelings for this guy, but I don't know if they're just due to loneliness on my part. I don't want to put my dating life on pause for my friend, but I also don't want to date someone else if it turns out he really cares for me. Further complicating this is the fact my friend goes to university in a different city than me and will be returning in a few weeks.

Help!

Sincerely,

A Very Confused Girl

VCG, I’m sorry for saying it because I realize you guys are close, but fuck that guy (metaphorically speaking I mean). You DO NOT put your life on pause waiting for someone to ‘come around’. Not just because there are infinite possibilities for how the future will roll out (which makes the odds of this working out exactly how you want it to roughly 1:infinity), but also because you deserve to be with someone who reciprocates your feelings and wants to be with you, unequivocally. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, guys don’t play hard to get. If his feelings for you change at some point down the line, then you can consider him as an option, but don’t just sit around in a non-dating, non-relationship waiting (or even holding out hope) for that to happen.

I’m not trying to say this guy is a total asshole. I’m sure he’s a decent guy that has been a good friend to you. And, for what it’s worth, I think his response is completely natural. It’s an ego thing—and I’m sure he means it, but that doesn’t mean you should cater to it. I’m sorry, but people have to deal with feeling weird about things all the time, so it’s not your job to spare him of that at the expense of finding a relationship that makes you happy. And trust me, “if he really cares for [you],” he shouldn’t expect that of you, because it’s entirely selfish to say ‘I can’t give you what you want, but I don’t want you to find it elsewhere’. So, totally go on another date with New Guy. Get to know him and see how you feel about it. In fact, date whomever the fuck you want, because YOU’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Let's play a game that I call, "OR!". I'm not even going to tell you how to play; we're just going to dive on in and I'm sure you'll pick it up. And this isn't just for VCG; we can all play! READY?! GO!

1.) A ferocious bear who given the opportunity will rip your face off

OR!

A delightful cartoon bear who given the opportunity will steal your picnic basket

2.) A romantic dinner with Andy Dick

OR!

A romantic dinner with Andy Roddick

3.) A bikini wax with packing tape

OR!

A bikini wax packing vicodin

4.) Getting shot in the face with a musket, circa 1776

OR!

Having a lovely dining experience at local restaurant, 1776

5.) Perpetually being haunted by The Ghost of Christmas Past

OR!

Have it perpetually be Christmas Morning

6.) "Date" a guy who won't put his dick inside of you

OR!

Date a guy who will put his dick inside of you

Now, let's all break out our graph paper and TI-83s and go with god.

[Amy’s note: I got roughly the same question twice this week, so I’ve posted both and am handling them together…. heh, kinky, no?]

(1) Dear Queer Abby,

So, I feel a little pathetic writing to a complete stranger for advice. But the fact of the matter is, I'm lost. As a straight woman, I need a queer perspective.

I live in NYC, and for the last year, I've been seeing one guy on and off. I mean, a year. And the thing is, he's really attractive. He makes me laugh. And he listens to me. BUT, and this is kind of a big but, we don't really have sex. I mean, we do, but not often. And he really seems more into cuddling. I'm really starting to think I'm dating a closeted gay man.

· He likes to window shop.

· He bought me vintage luggage, which he had to bid on.

· We once fought over the outfit of a man passing by; I didn't know why he was so invested, he couldn't figure out why it didn't bother me that this man looked unkempt.

· He could be OCD, but once he took the same pair of jeans to the tailor. 5 times. Something about the hem not falling onto his shoe properly.

· He's also really into product and his wardrobe and seems a little more interested in how he looks than how I look.

Maybe I'm reading into all this way too much, my friends tell me there's no way he could even "perform" if he was actually gay. But then my lesbian friend told me (and she should know) that all it would really take is thinking about another guy.....

Should I keep seeing this guy? Should I ask him? Should I cut my losses and tell him I just want to be friends? There are so many what-if's.

Please help Queer Abbey...

Possible unwitting fag hag.

(2) Dear Queer Abby,

I'm in a bit of a pickle that requires your infinite wisdom. First, a lil back story..

I am a college gal with an atypical college dating life. Last semester, I broke up with a long term boyfriend because he was dumb and annoying and always wanted to know how many eggs a diner would use in a day, then decided the world was my oyster and started looking for men outside my typical nerdy-chic-Jew type. I met such a fellow (but still a Jew, don't worry, mom); let's call him CR. I dated him for about 6 weeks until school ended. I had fun with him, but over time I began to suspect he might be a closeted homosexual. The signs are too numerous to list here, but many of them involve his planning of a charity fashion show, his erectile dysfunction, his carefully decorated room in his fraternity house (there is a sequin lamp), and one time when he told me he watched gay porn as an experiment, just to see if he felt anything. I have many gay friends and would obviously be a supportive friend to CR if this is indeed a turning point in his life and he is coming to terms with his identity. If that is not the case, I would like to continue to date him, as I do not necessarily know that he is gay; many straight men are interested in fashion and interior decorating and also happen to have the occasional slip ups (or downs?) in the bedroom, and I do not mean to generalize in an insulting way. However, I do not wish to continue our relationship if he is simply using me to prove to himself or others that he is interested in women.

Now, just days from the beginning of a new semester, I am about to come face to face with CR and I have no idea what to do. What is the best approach to finding the truth to this situation? I have feelings for CR, and don't want to cut him out of my life. I want to be tactful, but also to protect my feelings. I want to support my friend, but I don't want to be used. How can figure out whats going on without being caught in the middle?!

Best wishes,

Trying to Turn On the Light in the Closet Without Being a Bitch

First off, don’t forget that sexuality is a slippery thing (gross). The options aren’t just gay and straight. It’s that whole sexual spectrum thing… So even if he likes dick to some degree, that doesn’t necessarily preclude the possibility of him wanting/having a totally legitimate, loving, and sustainable relationship with a woman. Also, take comfort in the fact that, most of the time, self-loathing gay/bi guys who are trying to convince the world they’re straight aren’t rocking capri pants and pink polos, getting mannies and peddies or admitting they’ve watched gay porn. All to often, they’re homophobic pricks trying to overcompensate by being rednecks, religious gurus or republican legislators that rattle on all the time about Traditional Family Values… Seriously, there’s something to be said for people who are comfortable enough in their sexuality and who they are to step outside of stereotypical gender norms whenever it suits them. So generally, I’m inclined to discourage people from making assumptions about people’s sexuality based on that…

…That said, as much as I hate to say it, I have serious concerns about both of these cases. It has absolutely nothing to do with your bfs’ interest in décor, fashion or communication though. It has everything to do with the fact that you don’t have much of a sex life. Even when (undoubtedly) hetero-couples don’t have a sex-life that they’d both describe as healthy, I see it as a HUGE red flag. Bad or very, very little sex often ends up being a deal-breaker, even when people don’t initially think it’s that big of a deal to them. So, as much as I hate to say it, the fact that these guys hold the interests they do AND aren’t so sexually engaged lends credence to your concerns….

My advice to you both is the same: you need to discuss it with them, obviously in the most inquisitive, unassuming, selfless and supportive tone you can manage, as though it doesn’t matter either way. Fag Hag, you’ve been with this guy for a year; if you can’t have a candid conversation with him about his fantasies and whether he’s ever considered dating or having sex with men... well, it’s no wonder your sex life isn’t stellar. And furthermore, the lack of personal intimacy + lack of physical intimacy = problems for your relationship, regardless of the root. And Turning on the Light, if this guy has been comfortable enough with you to say that he’s watched gay porn, I think a ‘what did you think’ or ‘would you ever consider…’ conversation is not out of turn in the least. If you’re looking for ways to open up that conversation, maybe you should suggest watching gay porn together…

The bottom line is this: I can’t tell you if your boyfriends are gay, only they can. By extension, I can’t tell you whether or not you should stay with them based on that. But I can say, without reservation, you and your partner HAVE to be able to talk about what you both like sexually. That’s how you find out if you’re sexually compatible and how improve your sex life. Maybe it’s not working because he likes wang, or maybe it’s not working because he’s in to something that you can’t satisfy solely because you don’t know about it. Either way, you’re better off knowing. And if you can’t talk to him about it or you don’t trust him when he says he’s straight, you probably should just break it off because that’s evidence (and will likely be the cause) of other irresolvable issues in the relationship.

Yeah...Here's the thing: once upon a time when I actually had physical contact with members of the opposite sex and didn't turn down Saturday night booty-calls to see if "Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta" is as good as the original, I was hooking up with a guy who was seemingly a little light in the loafers. I say this because he loved to shop, was obsessed with brand names and was way more image-conscious than the average frat boy should be.

Two real-world examples: One day Senior year, I was sitting in Art History, bored out of my mind when Loafers texted me to say that he wanted to meet for lunch in Friendship Heights. (That's not a euphemism, by the way, for you out-of-towners. That's a real city on the border of DC and Maryland. Although, next time I break up with someone, I am absolutely referring to it as "taking them out to lunch in Friendship Heights.")

I texted Loafers back that I probably couldn't meet up with him because I had class for another hour and he texted me back something to the effect of, "Oh no worries! I'll just shop; I need to go to Juicy Couture and get more boxers!" Troubling...

Example #2: Later that month, the Scissor Sisters were playing at the 9:30 club and I didn't get a chance to buy tickets before it sold out, which sucked because a bunch of my friends were going. The night of the show I texted Loafers to see if he wanted to do something, but he said he couldn't because he was going to the Scissor Sisters show. Half-joking, I offered Loafers a blow job in exchange for his ticket and his incredibly serious answer was: no, thank you. I'd prefer the tickets.

Now, I'm aware that I give a lazy blow job, but both of those events probably should have been giant red-tinted rainbow flags of warning that I was dating Johnny Queer. HOWEVER, (and what I'm about to say, I say with a giant grimace because thinking about myself in sexual situations grosses me out, which is probably a Queer Abby question in and of itself resulting in a talk about self-esteem and embracing one's sexuality,) that kid loved pussy. Like, a lot. Like the most of anyone I've ever been with in my entire life. Breakfast? Pussy. Lunch? Pussy. Dinner? Something sensible and full of vitamins, because scurvy is real people. Dessert? Pussy. I have known a lot of gay men in my life and 0.00 of them ever wanted to go down on me as frequently as that kid did. He wasn't gay; he was just really, really...vain.

I'm tempted to tell you that because of my experience with Loafers, it doesn't necessarily mean that either of you two are dating secret agent homo men. However, neither of your dudes really seem too terribly interested in getting in your pants, and that is truly when the red-tinted rainbow flag of warning should be billowing. If you're dating a guy who's fancy in the street but a freak in the bed, fine; that's between you and your god. Sure, it might be a turn-off for some (clearly not me; I stuck with until he dumped me. Obviously.) but it doesn't mean he's gay. However, if he's a little fancy and wants nothing to do with your lady parts—shut it down. Because does it mean for sure that he's gay? No. Does it mean YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO GET IN YOUR PANTS. Yes. And am I on crack cocaine today when I think that that's a giant problem?? I mean, companionship is fun, but gettin' off is way more fun. Don't settle for an ambiguously gay man who's allergic to your vagina when you could utilize that time to find someone who will give you companionship and who's not allergic to your vagina. Or...in my case, utilize that time to watch a lot TLC bridal programming. Sigh...

Got a question for Queer Abby? Shoot her an email at QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!




NOW GO GET SOME STRANGE, IMMEDIATELY!