Reading this post might give you a panic attack and get you fired. Proceed at your own risk.

My newest obsessions as of late are the following:

1.) Kevin Yang. But that's kind of a given. (Side note: I got a text message from Ruby last night in which she called me "the Yang of her life." I can honestly say that in my 25 years of living, I have never received a compliment that made me feel as complete and whole as that one did. Do with that what you will.)

(Also, while on the phone with Tulane Chris tonight, he asked me, "Meg, can you at some point take a picture of a naked Asian guy and use Kevin Yang heads to censor his nipples and junk?" Yes Chris. Yes, I can.

Oh. NSFW, by the way.)

2.) Kerning the invitation for my sister's bachelorette weekend in Miami. Stop it, Meg. Just stop. It looks fine. Print. Assemble. Send. Move on with your life. Because I could do this indefinitely. I wish I were kidding when I say that I've spent at least two hours every night, for the past four nights (and yes that spans over a weekend...) sitting in front of my computer, obsessively kerning this god damn invitation. And the thing is, I'm completely aware that nobody else is going to notice if the space between the L and the A in our last name is expertly distanced (and it is), the reason I kern it over and over again because it feels good. I have a physical reaction to kerning letters. It's just so god damn satisfying. The reason for me doing this project has moved past wanting to do something nice for my sister and dangerously into "Hi, I'm sexually attracted to typesetting" territory. And I don't know what to tell you about it. Some 25 year old girls have sex, I have kerning and Kevin Yang jokes. This is a night of bold statements.

(WOW. Sorry to self-interrupt, but I have to share: I seriously just thought to myself, "Man, wouldn't it be totally awesome if there was a job where you just sit there and kern shit all day?!" Uh, hi. That's a petrifying statement. Because not only is there a job that is exactly that, I had it. Remember that pesky year when you were a layout artist at a magazine in New York, Meggles? And remember how every day that you didn't attempt to flush yourself down the toilet to escape and swim free with the dolphins was a personal victory? Tighten the cilice on your leg and go meditate in your room for five hours for ever wishing that situation back upon yourself.) (Yes ma'am.)

3.) Reminiscing about Middle School. I swear to Christ, I really have let middle school go. I don't know what I can do to convince you that I don't sit here all day wearing stove-pipe jeans and baby tees staring at myself in a mirror saying affirmations. I've moved on. It's just that things keep coming up that remind me of middle school and what am I supposed to do? Not freak out about it? Please. Although I do appreciate the fact that I got an email last week from a reader who I went to middle school with apologizing for being friends with Dana P of My Top 5 All-Time Grudges fame and asking me not to spit on the tote bag she had just ordered from the merch store. (Dana P who, by the way, still hasn't apologized to me. Your best friend follows the blog on Twitter. I know you know what's up. And now you know I know you know. Make it right. I was just at a bar this weekend talking to some people from high school and Jessica P, also of My Top 5 All-Time Grudges fame, came up and guess what? I had her back and was singing her praises all night! Did you ever think you'd live to see the day?? I sure as shit didn't. But she made it right with me and that's how it works. You know where to reach me.

meg@2birds1blog.com.) And don't worry, kind reader. I won't spit on your tote bag. Although I do remember being sufficiently jealous of your hair in middle school. But I've let it go! I swears!

That all being said...I did dwell on middle school for a mighty long time yesterday afternoon. But again, it totally wasn't my fault! Helena came over and I put my iTunes on shuffle for some background noise and guess what came up first? The Fly's "Got You Where I Want You." I don't know who set my iTunes to traumatized, but yet again was transported right back to middle school, a la White Town's "Your Woman."

I joked that we should just make a playlist of all the songs that remind us of middle school and 20 seconds later I had a pen and paper in my hand and this list was born. So without further ado, I give you Meg & Helena's Traumatizing Middle School Music Playlist.

- The Flys, "Got You Where I Want You"

OK, Helena didn't remember this song, but I absolutely do. Specifically, I remember that it was really big the summer after sixth grade and Katie Holmes was in the video pushing people off a cliff because it was the single for Teaching Mrs. Tingle. And everything I just said makes me want to vomit.

- White Town, "Your Woman"

Ooof.

- Marcy Playground, "Sex and Candy"

Remember how this video was always on Pop-Up Video? I do. Mostly because every day after school I'd get off the bus, waddle home and proceed to stuff my face with Chips Ahoy! and watch Vh1 for hours on end. Fatty foods and the adult contemporary music channel—sounds about right. I also had the biggest crush on this kid named Whit Ladue in 7th grade and I thought he looked like Marcy Playground's lead singer, so this song will also always make me think of him. His full name was "Ronald Whitney Ladue." Fatty foods, the adult contemporary music channel and a crush on Ronald Whitney Ladue. Oh Meglet. You didn't stand a chance.

- Paula Cole, "Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?"

Shudder, shudder. This song takes me back to such an oddly specific moment. Picture it: 6th grade. A Sunday night in January. I was watching Misery on TBS, eating a bowl of tomato soup and being generally anxious about going to school the next day. When Misery was over, I switched over to Vh1 and I so vividly remember sitting there watching this video while I psyched myself up to ask my mom if I could stay home the next day. I feel physically sick whenever I hear this song because of it. Or watch Misery. (Oh and she said no, by the way. Because if she said yes every time I asked her if I could stay home from school, I'd probably be illiterate right now.)

- Garbage, "Special"

This song will forever remind me of having the stomach flu during the Great Ice Storm of '96. I was so fucking sick and our power went out, so I spent the entire weekend curled up on the couch being nauseous and freezing while listening to a battery operated radio, and "Special" was always playing on HFS because it was the hot jam of the moment. Likewise I couldn't eat Boboli pizza after that weekend because it was primarily what I threw up the first night I got sick. Memories!

- Lit, "Miserable"

Am I douchebag for still thinking this song is kind of good? (Answer: a resounding yes.)

- Lit, "My Own Worst Enemy"

Oh yeah. Summer after 6th grade. Hanging out at Teresa's house for weeks on end and playing on her WebTV because it was like, the most mind-boggling piece of technology I had ever seen. BOOM!

- Shawn Colvin, "Sunny Came Home"

Helena hit it out of the fucking park with this one.

- Jewel, "Foolish Games"

I mean, really anything Jewel has ever done ever reminds me of middle school. "Foolish Games" specifically reminds me of going to Old Navy for the first time in 1996 when one opened up on Rockville Pike and thinking that store was the trendiest thing since sliced Airwalks.

- Cardigans, "Lovefool"

Remember when the Cardigans were on 90210? They were the band that played After Prom at the Peach Pit and I distinctly remember after they finished "Lovefool," the lead singer chick got on the mic and said, "Hey, Peach Pit After Dark! We don't normally do gigs like this, but how could I say no to my old friend Nat?" or some shit like that. That was really irritating. Because if you're going to be the band who makes an appearance on 90210, own it, you know?

- No Doubt, "Don't Speak"

This doesn't have anything to do with middle school, but "Don't Speak" makes me think of "Spiderwebs" which makes me think of the time in 9th grade when I got my first AIM account and put up "Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking in the spiderwebs, so leave a message and I'll call you back!" as my away message and thought I was so clever until my crush IM'ed me with four simple words: "Wow. You're a fag." I swear to all that's good and holy, that's what he IM'ed me. "Wow. You're a fag." I came back and saw that he'd messaged me and was like, "tee-hee-hahaha he saw how unbelievably witty I am and now I bet he wants to suck face!" And then I clicked on his message and saw, "Wow. You're a fag." Crestfallen. I ultimately got my revenge a few months later though when he tried to hook up with me in my parent's basement while we watched Almost Famous and I shot him down. That'll teach you to disrespect my clever No Doubt based jokes, asshole.

- Eve 6, "Here's to the Night"

Oh man, this reminds me of going to my first real co-ed party. It was a party with all the kids I went to camp with the summer after sixth grade and I asked Becca for advice on what I should wear. She looked up and down at what I was wearing (khaki shorts and a sleeveless button-up oxford shirt with a brown ribbon that I had tied around the collar and into a bow) and I swear to god said to me, "Well first things first—stop dressing like The Colonel." Looking back, that's probably one of the funniest things anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. Ultimately she let me borrow one of her outfits for the night—a white baby-tee with a blue ADIDAS logo on it, bright orange corduroy shorts and a pair of Tevas. I still don't think I've walked into a party feeling as confident as I did that night. I want to be buried in that outfit

- Weezer, "Undone (The Sweater Song)"

I think this is still one of my dad's favorite songs, which warms my heart.

- Soundgarden, "Black Hole Sun"

This reminds me of that one week in '97 when Becca was really angsty and wore a lot of hemp necklaces and silver jewelry. But then again, I was probably dressed like a southern gentleman hawking fried chicken that week, so you know, glass houses.

- Mighty Mighty Bosstones, "Impression That I Get"

- Reel Big Fish, "Sell Out"

I certainly wouldn't hate a ska revival...

- Jamiroquai, "Virtual Insanity"

I definitely first saw this video during one of my late-afternoon Chips Ahoy!/Vh1 binges and it blew my mind.

- Chumbawamba, "Tubthumping"

I'm kind of impressed that I still know every single lyric to this song. And I'm really fighting an incredible urge to go find a karaoke bar to sing it at as soon as humanly possible...

- Aaliyah, "Are You that Somebody?"

Three words: Bat Mitzvah season.

- Len, "Steal My Sunshine"

I'm just gonna put this out there: this is still one of my favorite songs. I'd call it a guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty. It makes me want to do E and drive around the boardwalk on a moped. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

- Christina Aguilera, "Genie in a Bottle"

Meagan Hume, this song reminds me of the summer you came with my family to Deep Creek Lake. I remember being really into it and staying up all night girlishly giggling about Richie Rosenberg. All. Sorts. Of. LOLZ.

- Britney Spears, "...One More Time"

This reminds me of our 8th grade class trip to New York City. And whoever invented the middle school class trip was a real asshole.

- Wallflowers, "One Headlight"

I'm sorry, but Jakob Dylan is still all different kinds of sexy. Have you seen that CD of his that's always on sale in Starbucks? Me-ow.

- Deep Blue Something, "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Yet another song that transports me back to an oddly specific moment: sitting in the back of Teresa's mom's Tercel en route to the Montgomery County Agricultural Fair to race our hermit crabs. You can take the girl outta Maryland...

- Semisonic, "Closing Time"

This was Becca's high school graduation song in '97 and I'm totally jealous of it. Ours was "Lean On Me" which is bullshit because it's timeless and lame. I wish we had something equally indicative of 2003, like Fat Joe's "Get it Poppin'" or something. So unfair...

- Savage Garden, "I Want You"

Helena: "Oooo! Oooo! What was that song with 'CHICKA-CHERRY-COLA?!"

- Hanson, "MMMBop"

This memory is almost so depressing it's not worth sharing. Almost. "MMMBop" will forever remind me of going into my bathroom to puke one morning in sixth grade before school (not because I had an eating disorder, mind you, simply because I was that anxious about going to school) and I turned on this little radio my sister had gotten at Old Navy (FULL CIRCLE!) to cover up, you know, the vomiting sounds and "MMMBop" came on. I remember pausing from vomiting, looking up at the radio and thinking, "Hmm, this song is mighty catchy!" before going back to vomiting. I mean, Christ. It was middle school Meg, not fucking Auschwitz.

- Aqua, "Barbie Girl"

I think this was my ringtone at some point in high school which is retrospectively embarrassing and hilarious.

- OMC, "How Bizarre"

Dude. This used to be me and Teresa's jam. She sent me a postcard from her summer vacation in Ft. Augustine once detailing all of the zany things that had happened on the trip and then put how bizarre at the end and I thought it was like, fucking comedic genius. It's the little things that get me.

- Los Umbrellos, "No Tengo Dinero"

Helena didn't believe me that this was a mid-90's hit, but a quick poll of Twitter revealed that she's crazy, not me. I remember this song got really big when I was taking the Spanish unit in the sixth grade arts rotation and it really chapped my ass because I was all, "NOW WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! 'No tengo' means 'I don't have', so saying 'I got no tengo' is like saying 'I don't have I got no money', which is redundant and grammatically incorrect!" And then I probably puked somewhere returned to tending to my hermit crab.

- Vitamin C, "Graduation (Friends Forever)"

- Everclear, "I Will Buy You a New Life"

Everclear was the band in Loser. We all know how I feel about that movie. I don't want to talk about it.

- Spice Girls, "Wannabe"

This will always remind me of my dad taking me and my sister shopping at Express and buying me wide-legged jeans and grape colored nail polish. I mean, it wasn't a white linen pants suit and a bathtub Mint Julep, so at least I was headed in the right direction.

- The Offspring, "Why Don't You Get a Job?"

- The Offspring, "Pretty Fly For a White Guy"

The Offspring reminds me of watching TRL. God yes.

- Total Eclipse of the Heart (Dance Remix)

This is where the playlist ends because after hearing it, Helena and Laura and I all went to different but equally dark, dark places and had to stop playing this game. Personally, I was reminded of the time I went to my first middle school dance in sixth grade. I was actually enjoying it and feeling pretty good about myself, until I started dancing to this song and Alyssa Kunkel (fuck it, I'm not -schm-ing her name. I hope this is the first thing that comes up in a google search.) brutally made fun of me until I stopped dancing. I went home and told my mom what happened and I can still hear her being like, "WHAT?! HOW DARE SHE! MEGHAN, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL DANCER! WHY DID YOU STOP DANCING?! WHY DID YOU STOP DANCING?!?!" And that's when I looked up and realized that both Helena and Laura were staring at the ground with their eyes glazed-over, reliving their own traumatic first middle school dance experience and this game wasn't fun anymore.

So Jenna and Carla came over and we started drinking. Heavily. Because not being 13 fucking owns.