This week's most frequently asked questions, answered!

1.) You didn't pick my sex story, which sucks for you because it was really funny. Go fuck yourself, Meg.
Well, that's not really a question, but I'll certainly take it into consideration.

2.) You didn't pick my friend's sex story, which sucks for you because it was really funny. Go fuck yourself, Meg.
Again, not a question, but you're a good friend for taking time out of your day to tell me to go eff myself. You could always send some of that hostility Tulane Chris' way, though. Dicking your friend over was a team effort.

3.) I heard a rumor that Chris was pulling really hard for "Sex Minx" to win. Why'd he like her story so much?
Because of this excerpt, specifically what's in bold:

[Sex Minx is getting hit from behind by her boyfriend in the library. He pulls out because they hear someone coming.]

He stumbles back (clumsy fuck — no pun intended) and the condom had sort of come loose, apparently, so when he blew his load, he sent the condom airborne. A rooster tail of white cum and a white condom. Everyone got really flustered.

4.) That story should have been on the blog yesterday and not Pete's.
Well quit your job, abandon your life in New York, move back into your parent's house, start a blog, work really hard and then you can hold competitions and pick winners.

5.) Fine, maybe I will.
I hope you do.

6.) I'm gonna.
Good.

7.) I'm gonna do it right now.
Good luck to you.

8.) Here I go...
OK.

9.) Do you have any advice on starting a blog?
Sigh...

10.) I can't believe Kevin Yang won third place. That's bullshit. I actually tried.
To clarify, Kevin Yang didn't win third place, "Dan D." did. Kevin Yang didn't win any place. You reading this right now who didn't even submit anything? You placed higher than Kevin Yang did.

8.) Gahh! Your store doesn't ship internationally! Change that!
Let me work on it.

9.) I want 2b1b stickers, but I don't want the DC flag ones. What do I do?
I'll add logo stickers to the store later today. Although I don't understand why you wouldn't want to bring DC pride to wherever you live. A district good enough for Obama, Marion Barry and Kal Penn (and Meg McBlogger...) isn't good enough for you?

10.) I mean, not really.
Well. I respect your honesty. I guess.

10.) I ordered something from your store!
Thanks man!

11.) When will I get it?
In about two weeks.

12.) TWO WEEKS?! Are you fucking kidding me? I want my shit now!
Dude, trust me, I know. I want my tote bag just as badly as you do, but we're still setting up our inventory and figuring everything out, so we need everyone in the first order to be patient with us.

13.) Fuck patience, I want my tote!
I don't physically have a tote bag to give you.

14.) Well, give me something else.
What do you want?

15.) A BJ wouldn't hurt.
Trust me, an invisible tote would probably be more satisfying.

16.) $20 for a canvas tote bag is highway robbery.
So don't buy one.

17.) Yeah. But it's the principle of the matter.
Well, we jacked up the price a bit because all of the proceeds go towards supporting the blog and we didn't think you guys would mind paying a little extra if you knew it was going towards the 2b1b Investigates travel fund, computer stuffs, new projects, etc.

18.) Oh. Well when you put it like that, I'm cool with it.
Awesome—shop2birds1blog.com.

19.) No, I'm still not going to buy one. It just doesn't offend me as much anymore.
Oh. Well, thank god for that.

20.) Did you see that Kevin Yang wrote something on his blog about you guys?
No I didn't and I don't want to know what it says, so don't tell me! Likewise, Kevin Yang emailed me and Chris yesterday and I have zero plans of reading it. Ever. I know the subject is "Hi" and the first line is, "Hey, Thanks again for the post? I don't know what to take away from it, but..." and that's knowing too much already. I refuse to let Kevin Yang become a real person and I refuse to let The Kevin Yang Experience become sullied. Reading an email from him or reading a blog post about his reaction to our obsession would humanize him way too much for my liking. I don't want him to justify anything, or clarify anything, or apologize for anything, or not apologize for anything and I sure as shit don't want his writing to improve or his ego to deflate. I want him to stay exactly the way he was Tuesday night: a racist gay Asian who works as a bakery assistant in Orlando and sent in a recycled blog entry 21 minutes late and not spellchecked. That is who I need Kevin Yang to be. And any contact with him from here on out will only change that and make him significantly less funny to me, which is something I just can't have. I'm sorry. My therapist wants me to become more comfortable with the idea that my needs aren't selfish, so I'm going to take a stand here and now and say that I need the Kevin Yang Experience to remain pure.

21.) A simple "no" would have sufficed.
...

22.) Quick question, what did Andrew of the Great Juno Debate fame say last night at dinner that made you laugh so hard you almost vomited nachos and Bud Light everywhere?
"Kevin Yang and the Orlando Sound Machine."

23.) God, can you imagine what that album cover would look like?
Yes.



24.) What would a Kevin Yang doo-wop group be called?
The Yang-a-Langa Ding-Dongs.



25.) What did Austin text you yesterday that made you cackle-out-loud in line at CVS, thereby making everyone else turn and look at you while you stood there and felt like a complete jackass?
"Yang On a Hot Tin Roof."

26.) ...You went home and photoshopped something for that, didn't you?
No, how much time do you think I have? (............Yes.)



27.) According to Andrew, what would a Kevin Yang Meat Loaf-based band be called and what would their breakout hit be?
Yang Loaf—"I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Go Black)"



28.) Is this what you're doing with your expensive graphic design degree these days?
YEP. And I'm not even mad.

29.) Why does my mouth taste like stale bourbon and Sue Ellen's lipstick?
Because it's T.G.I. Hagman!



As of 5:47am on May 28, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! Zomfg. Larry Hagman/Kevin Yang mash-up: Larry Yangman. Wet. Dream. Come. True.

30.) Last question: Does Queer Abby have some doozies for us this week?
Ooof. Does she ever.

My Dear Queer,

Is that offensive? [Not really] Should I have tacked on the Abbey part? [Most Definitely] I mean, I'm mostly just tickled that the words 'dear' and 'queer' rhyme, so that's really what I was going for, but I like to feel like I'm all hip and with it, but I was raised in super conservative religious household and have no idea how to actually balance being hip and with it with not being offensive. And that's not even my real problem. [Phew]

My conundrum is this: I'm engaged, right? And my fiance is the tits. Seriously, he's amazing and I could totally gush and gush for days about how tit-tacular my fiance is (metaphorically speaking, of course. He's probably like a AA cup). And I'm in love with him, which is largely why I agreed to marry him in the first place, because Lord knows it wasn't for his ten year old desktop computer or impeccable taste in Hawaiian shirts. But despite being very much in love with my fiance and totally full-steam ahead with the wedding and marriage and eventual reproduction and all that jazz, I keep having these Nam-like flashbacks to what it was like when I was with my most recent ex.

You see, my ex and I were pretty nuts about each other. By which I mean, we were young and had all sorts of hormones all over each other and thought it was emotion. They were really intense hormones, though. Like, so intense that I really question whether I will ever experience anything remotely as intense with anyone ever again.

I mean, it's not like I want to get back with my ex. I do not. He dropped out of school to work at a drive-through liquor store and has no intention of ever finishing his education. He has no goals and no aspirations and the last thing I want to be saddled with for the rest of my life is a giant fixer-upper project of a man. Also, he listens to Soulja Boy unironically and thinks it's good music, which I'm not sure I can handle. I'm just a little bit worried that I don't feel anything even close to as intense with my fiance, who is so good to and for me and whom I honestly do love and adore. So, Queer Abbey, my question is this: How can I alleviate some of this baggage? I would really like to be able to just move forward into a healthy and happy relationship with my husband-to-be, but I'm not sure how to do that with all these awesome memories of another man.

Love,

Apologist Zoologist

Dear AZ,

Here are a few things out front that I would like you to keep in mind:

1) No one ever feels the same way about two different significant others. They’re different people, who have different things to offer, bring out different things in you and (hopefully) occur in different stages during your life.

2) It’s not abnormal to view former lovers through rose-tinted glasses. Unless the relationship ended over something totally egregious, or the person ended up being crazy, abusive or a lying, cheating shit bag, you’ll probably (eventually) remember the good times over the bad.

3) When you’re around the corner from committing to one person for the rest of your life, it makes total sense that you would wonder/worry about who/what you’ll never have again.

But more generally, AZ, remember this: there are infinite opportunity costs for every decision we make. The trick is to be thoughtful enough in making them that you can see what you’re missing, and still be 100% confident in the reasons you made the choice you did. It sounds to me like you have your reasons, so you just need to concentrate on reveling in what you have, rather than dwelling on what you don’t.

All that said, I do have one caveat. I'm glad you speak very highly of your fiancé, but make sure those feelings are genuine. A lot of times when we feel the need to sell our decisions to others, we are actually just trying to alleviate our own doubt. If you think there’s any chance your fiance looks great on paper and you know he’s the kind of guy you should be with, but deep down you’re not entirely convinced he’s really what you want right now, you need to give that some serious thought before you walk down the isle.

Honestly though, I would be way more worried about that last possibility if you had said, unlike this one, most of your previous relationships were incredibly intense. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like that's the case. So my final piece of advice is this, see if you can isolate what made that previous relationship so intense. Maybe it had nothing to do with your ex, specifically, but some sort of fantasy or sexual rapport your interaction with him lended itself to. If that’s the case, maybe it’s something you can inject into your current relationship.

It's instances like these that I can't help but wonder, What Would Kevin Yang Do (WWKYD)?

1.) Stop writing in full sentences and italicize random words just for fun.

2.) Frost a cupcake.

3.) Get a restraining order against Meg & Tulane Chris from 2birds1blog.

4.) Close your eyes, spin around, stop, point to something and open your eyes. Write down whatever it is that you're pointing to.

5.) Close your eyes, spin around, stop, point to something and open your eyes again. Now write that thing down.

6.) Compare those two things in a nonsensical simile.

7.) Pat yourself on the back for being such a clever writer.

8.) Say something racist.

9.) Put on a Beyoncé mix and dance like Elvis is about to ship out.

So, dear reader, I recommend that you do all of the above and post haste! You're welcome.

Dear Queer Abby,

I've kind of reached the limits of dating in this city. My long-term bf broke up with me last year, and it took a while for me to give enough of a fuck to attempt dating (honestly, the first attempt at dating I've had to make in six years... yikes). And, I'm pretty sure I'm a total fuck up at it. I've hit it off with a few guys, but the pattern seems to be something like this:

1) Dude approaches me at bar/club/brunch/ whatevs
2) Sparkling conversation ensues
3) Dancing/making-out/mutual friends/escalating dares leads to digits exchanged
4) Date #1 and #2 are good (and I feel confident enough to text... and I think this is my downfall. You see, I enjoy sending a good text OR taking the initiative and inviting them to do something)
5) Hopes/daydreams build
6) I lose my edge and get suuuper unsure of myself/start to wonder what I'm doing "wrong" as he seems to be communicating less or making fewer plans (and I probably overcompensate at this point by trying harder)
7) He's just "not into it" or "wants to be friends for fear of someone [me] getting hurt".

For reals, what do I do? I can't help getting excited about it, but then I lose confidence and poof, c'est tout.

Tips?

Thanks, love your work!

Determined to Not Die Alone in my Apartment in DC

I promise you’re not fucked up at it. In fact, I’d say you’re doing about five sevenths of it just fine. Seriously, a little hope can be healthy and the reaching out and taking initiative thing can be perfectly ok as well...within reason. Even a little insecurity is completely natural, especially since you’re still working on getting your sea legs in the dating world. The main problem I see here is the bit about over-compensating. Trust me, if he really lacks interest, you can’t possibly compensate for that with your hyper-interest. And, more importantly, why would you want to? You deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re worth working for and is, at very least, going to meet you half way.

Beyond that, it doesn’t matter how determined you are, there really isn't much you can single-handedly do to change his opinion or the course that the courtship will take (short of completely misrepresenting yourself, which I NEVER advise). These things tend to come down to the most inflexible factors on the planet: namely timing and chemistry. Both of you are either ripe for getting into a relationship, or you’re not; and there are either sparks flying from both directions, or there aren’t. It doesn’t necessarily say anything bad about either of you if those conditions aren’t met; you two just aren’t the right match at the right time (most aren’t!). So, don’t start to second-guess yourself, don’t lose confidence and don’t try to change or deny the situation at hand.

Instead, be patient, temper those hopes and dreams for a bit and keep dating around until some guy comes a long and proves that he’s willing and able to do it right. Remember confidence is attractive. So demonstrate your confidence and sense of self worth by walking away when someone seems disengaged. I promise you’ll look better and feel better for it, and eventually you’ll meet the right person.

Wait...you meet people at brunch? That's 3-parts impressive and 1-part questionable. When I'm at brunch I'm usually hungover, cramming sausage links in my mouth, not wearing makeup and sweating Miller High Life. God bless the man who would want to chat that up. I have no advice for you because if you're meeting people at brunch, you're doing significantly better than I am at dating in DC. But then again, the sausage links and Yang obsession probably aren't really helping anything. Although in the immortal words of Luke Connelly from More to Love, "No regrets..."

Welp, that's going to do it for us here at 2b1b this week. A huge thank you to everyone who bought something from the merch store and/or sent in a sex story this week. We really appreciate all you do to support us. Hope you have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! Laterzzz.