Hagman, BO and the politics of cybersex—it must be Friday!

Question: What do you get when you cross Jack Daniel's glazed short ribs with Major Anthony Nelson?

Answer: T.G.I. HAGMAN, bitches!



As of 4:21am on May 7th, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And by "alive", I mean my best friend.

So at circa 1 o'clock this morning, I was in bed with a face mask on, eating slow-churned ice cream and watching an episode of Night Court on youtube because I'm questionably attracted to John Larroquette, when Alex called to regale me with his night's sexual conquests. Yep. Just two best friends having the exact opposite night. I thought while I had Alex on the phone, it wouldn't hurt to run this week's Queer Abby questions by him. Because, you know, a third opinion never hurt anyone.

Dear Queer Abby,

My friend has B.O., like bad. Like so bad that when I go out with him I have to wear extra cologne because I'm afraid his B.O. will rub off on me and people will think I have it. And I'm sure you're thinking, oh anonymous, everyone has a little B.O, you know like after you work out or after walking to work from the metro on hot days in DC, but no, not the case with this kid. He always has it, and IT is bad. So, how do you tell your friend he has body odor? Advice on telling a friend he has halitosis would be great too. Maybe advice on how to attract less smelly friends in general would be good?

–Anonymous 1

I really had to dig deep for this one—a lot of soul searching. Granted, it is a tough question, but in my mind there’s really only one obvious answer. So the fact that you still asked made me wonder: would guys do this differently? Are there other options I haven't considered? Is my tendency toward being way too honest for my own good coloring my judgment? So to be sure, I really tried to look at it from a lot of different angles. I even polled all sorts of people—boys, girls, queers, breeders, etc.—to, you know, explore some alternative solutions. As it happens, they pretty much echoed my sentiment that you are, in fact, being a pussy.

SO, the 12 year old boy in me wants to suggest that you pick up some deodorant for your buddy next time you run to the store to buy your maxi pads. However, the feminist in me is deeply ashamed of myself for saying that… and feels like you should counsel your friend on good hygiene in a friendly and non-confrontational manner—perhaps with a card or a crocheted pillow.

Collectively, we think you should split the difference and say something along the lines of “Listen, I’m not trying to be an asshole here. I really like you and I’m really glad we’re friends. But, as your friend, I want to let you know that you should consider bathing more, changing deodorants or investing in some cologne so I don’t always have to breathe through my mouth when we hang out.

OK, while it's generally my stance that whatever Amy says is the way to go, I'm just letting you know that if Alex ever sat me down and said, "I really like you and I'm really glad we're friends. But, as your friend, I want to let you know that you should consider bathing more, changing deodorants or investing in some perfume so I don't always have to breathe through my mouth when we hang out," I would do the following, in order:

a.) Burst into tears
b.) Punch him in the face
c.) Disinvite him from our upcoming Ireland trip
d.) Take a shower
e.) Wear enough deodorant to wax a medium-sized speed boat
f.) Never talk to him again

So, while points D and E are considered a win, points A, B, C and F might suck a little bit for both of you. Then again, I'm a hyper-sensitive pussy. (Ohhhhh, mercy!)

This really is a tough one. I don't know, can't dudes just be like, "DUDE YOU REEK, BRO" and nobody gets offended because emotions are for dames? Also, I have a question: is your friend a normal dude who has BO, or is this part of a lifestyle? The reason I ask is because I had a friend in college who was a vegan gutter-punk with notoriously god awful BO because he only showered once a month and as much as it sucked, we all kind of just had to accept it because it was his prerogative to believe that bathing is a waste of water and natural resources. I mean, I thought he was full of shit and wanted to set myself on fire when he asked if he could wear my coat one day when he was cold, yes, but his friendship was worth it. (And I never wore that coat again, too. Which sucked because it was a really nice Banana Republic trench coat, but I'm too lazy to get anything dry-cleaned. See! We all make interesting life choices! Because it's our prerogative.)

Now, if this isn't part of a bullshit lifestyle choice and he just honestly has bad hygiene, if it were me? I'd probably create a fake email address and send him an anonymous tip telling him that hygiene called and it wants to get back together. And then when he showed it to me all upset, I'd be like, "WHHHHAT?! What kind of a horrible person would do such a thing....?" But, again, I'm a total pussy and I've breathed through my mouth to sustain a friendship before.

Alex's advice: Have your friend banished to an island. Which given the fact that your friend also has halitosis, I don't think is a completely horrible idea.


______________

Queer Abby,

So here's the setup. My gf and I have been living together for a bit over a year now, and things were good for a while. Lately, there's been an issue that has me very concerned, and I'm hoping an outside perspective will help. Ready for a long story? Good.

Well, the problem is, a while back she worked late, and I got home from my job and took a nap on the couch, and accidentally (seriously!) hit a key on her laptop, parked on the floor next to the couch. The screen popped on to reveal a private chat room open, full of a two-month-long cyber-sex fantasy thing with another man. I'd seen his name come up on her cell phone a few times, but it was a 'friend from college'- some friend! The stuff was VERY graphic, kinky, and to be blunt all of the kind of stuff she's never even hinted at with me. And as I said, it had been going on for two months in that chat box, perhaps much longer.

I confronted her about it, and she said it was a one-time thing and she'd never do it again. But Pandora's Box is open, and I'm still very hurt by this, over two months later. I'm still wary of her 'late-night study sessions' for her classes, and the fact that she's put a password lock on her computer now doesn't exactly make me feel better. I'm not snooping, don't get me wrong, but it looks like she has something to hide still. And of course, if her phone chimes in with a message or call, she always takes it in another room before even reading a text message.

My question to you, now that this novel is closing: Should I be as upset as I am about the whole cyber-sex thing in the first place? Does it even count as cheating? She says no, I'm kind of leaning towards yes, but it's not like anything more than 'harmless' chat happened- that I know of, anyway. She's refused to discuss this any further with me, but it's still a big problem to me. And the fact that she's still acting funny about the calls and such has me very alarmed.

Thanks, hope you can help!

Well, Name Withheld, fortunately for you I get questions all the time from people with live-in girlfriends who are secretly having kinky, graphic cybersex with ‘a friend from college’ and then trying to manipulate their partner into thinking they don’t have a right to be upset, concerned or suspicious about it. So, I’m pretty sure if your gf happens to read this, she’ll never know this particular query is about her…

Seriously though, I’m really sorry. There is nothing good about this situation and I hate that I have to say everything that I’m about to say.

With respect to your questions: You don’t have to be upset about the cybersex, per se, be upset about the lying. Someone can get freaky online all day long if that’s what they’re into, but not while keeping it from their partner. And it doesn’t matter if you call it ‘cheating’ or not, she knows it wasn’t respectful of you or your relationship—otherwise she wouldn’t have felt the need to keep it from you.

As for the questions you didn’t ask (possibly because you didn’t want to hear the answers): Now, there is definitely more to this story than she has owned up to. Her behavior now is not consistent with someone who made 1 huge mistake and really wants to work on rebuilding the trust she abused. So unless you can objectively look back and say you have a history of being jealous or untrusting, you really need to go with your instincts on this one.

And by extension, I really think you need to leave. After keeping a pretty fucking intimate part of her daily life from you for AT LEAST two months, she’s still being super dodgy and refusing to acknowledge or respond to your completely legitimate feelings. No matter how you look at it, she’s being incredibly irreverent and self-centered. That’s not ‘A mistake’; it’s at very least a huge character flaw, and at worst pathological. Either way, you can’t fix her and you deserve better.

Oooo! Alex and I did not see eye-to-eye on this one! Way to spark some debate, my friend. I agree with Amy. Any way you look at it, this is bad news bears and I'd be dunzo for the following reasons:

1.) People who are happy with their partners don't feel the need to have freaky cybersex all day long like 13-year-old girls with acne who don't have a date to the dance. I mean, they just don't. So I wouldn't accept that "oh swells! This is just going to occasionally be part of our relationship! I'm in a kickball league and she sometimes internet 69's with Japanese businessmen in a Manga chat room! We all have our hobbies!" It's disrespectful and a symptom of a bigger problem.

2.) To me, the fact that she knows this guy is a total dealbreaker. Like, let's say she just gets off on having cybersex with random strangers, that wold be one thing. One completely unacceptable thing if it were me, yes, but it's different than having a fantasy sexual relationship with someone she knows. Because as my dear friend Jenny Lewis once told me, "the talking leads to touching, and the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left. And baby, it's bad news." And I was like, "man J-Lew, that is a good point right there." And she was like, "I know, right? Do you want to try on pretty dresses and braid each other's hair?" And I was like, "Um, does a bear shit in the woods?" And then we made out and went boot shopping. And it was the best day of my entire life. But the point is, all that built up sexual energy is just a slippery slope into And Then We Kind of Fooled Around Town, USA. Population: Him and her. And it's bad news, baby it's bad news.

3.) Alex thinks that if you didn't specifically establish that cybersex and/or sexting with someone else is a no-no in your relationship, it's fair game. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. If we're dating, I expect you to keep your dick in your pants when it's not in me—in life, online or otherwise. Sorr about the nag.

4.) Alex also thinks that if you get kinky with her in bed, she won't need to get it online. I disagree with that too. If you're not satisfied in bed, be a responsible adult, open your mouth and ask someone to choke you. Don't go online. Christ. Not to mention that it would be rewarding really bad behavior and setting a dangerous precedent for the future. Although it could be fun.

But yeah, I'd end it. Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. I'm sorry, buddy. You can come over and watch the emotional Christmas episode of Night Court guest-starring Michael J. Fox as a troubled juvenile delinquent who doesn't believe in Santa Claus if you want and we'll cry and hold each other. She just kind of seems like she sucks. UNLESS SHE REALLY DOES READ MY BLOG, in which case love ya girl!!!!!

______________

Queer Abby:

I have the job of my dreams (not to brag) but there is one flaw. VELCRO client. He comes to town weekly (though not necessary for business purposes) and is all over our staff like white on rice. He will literally corner you and talk forever, there's nothing you can do to get away from him, he will follow you and keep talking. I don't mind a chatty friend, but he crosses the line of polite business conversation, including, talking shit about his wife, talking about his annual physical, etc. It has gotten worse: he has started to bring presents. Sure, it started out small, but now there's a box of chocolate involved and I'm no longer annoyed, but CREEPED OUT. I don't take this lightly--I've given out joke-y hints and not-so-joke-y hints like "haha you know I'm happily married" "whoa--uhh awkward" etc but they keep coming. I don't want to 'tattle' to my boss that he's creeping me out because he hasn't done anything egregious, and last time I checked, creeping isn't illegal.

What should I do in the future?

Thanks,
Anonymous 2

It’s hard to advise on this without knowing more about your office culture, but generally speaking I would suggest trying one (or any combination of) the following: a. interference b. deception or c. dissuasion.

Interference: There’s an app for that! Seriously, if you have an iphone check out the application Fake Calls. It sends phantom calls to your phone on command for just such an occasion.

Deception: Make up bogus company policies about accepting gifts from clients and spending time with clients who aren’t there on business. Or tell him that you have a meeting…...or a raging case of herpes.

Dissuasion: Start using the same deodorant as Anonymous 1’s buddy. Better yet, maybe you guys could trade. Everybody wins!

Those are just examples, but I’m sure you get the concept. Also, if you see a co-worker get cornered by this guy, go interrupt and say you need them for something. Pay it forward, and will come back around.

Alex, after hearing this question:

"So, let me get this straight. She has her dream job—and must be nice—and the only down side is that people give her too many gifts?"

But don't worry, girl. I had your back. Because one time I was temping in this office the summer after freshman year and it was pretty much perfect, except that they paid for our wardrobes, but only if we got it from Bloomingdale's. It's like, could you have picked a more inconvenient store for me to get to? Not to mention the fact that the vending machines in the break room were free, which sucked because I was really trying to get rid of my quarter collection that summer. That and the commute was hellish, although every time I was stuck in traffic on 495, James Franco would pop in the car, turn on the ass warmers and go down on me. I guess that was kind of nice. But my point is, I totally get where you're coming from.

My advice to you, however, is to run. Run fast and run hard because Alex is en route to your office as I type to steal your job and shove a stapler up your ass. And hopefully grab some chocolate for me.


That's gonna do it for us here at 2b1b this week! If you have any questions you'd like us to answer (and "answer" obviously = convince you that your girlfriend is cheating on you and berate you if you—god forbid—complain about anything) shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com! Sometimes tough love is the best medicine and here at 2b1b, we have it in spades.

Thank you so much for reading, forwarding to your friends, joining our Facebook page, following us on Twitter, asking Queer Abby and just generally being you. Have yourself a merry little weekend and we'll see you back here bright and early Monday morning! L8R.