Don't call it a comeback.

So where have I been, huh?? Well I think the better question is, where haven't I been? (Answer: outside of my apartment or work.) But before we get into all of that, there's a certain older gentleman with a ten-gallon hat and a penchant for bourbon I think we need to check in with. It's T.G.I. Hagman, bitchez!


As of 5:21am on May 22, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And we, as a people and a nation, are better for it.

So, yes, sorry for my absence this week. I missed you all terribly and I swear I'm back and in mediocre action for good. Although let's just address this comment from yesterday's post, shall we?

Welp. Make sure you thank your anonymous friend, Chris, because you're fired. Thanks for all of your hard work this week, though. If you'd like to take a few 2b1b promotional stickers on your way out to disperse as you see fit, you're more than welcome to. Thanks kido.

Bwahaha, just kidding. You're not fired. I just deeply, deeply resent you.

So! Back to the question I'm sure you're wondering: if I was gone from the blog all week but didn't go anywhere besides my apartment or work, what the hell have I been doing? Well, a few things:

1.) Being uncharacteristically productive. Ah geez. I've been working on a shit-ton of behind-the-scenes stuff this week (for the blog and otherwise). I can't really get into specifics, but I promise everything I've been working on is something that you'll eventually find out about, so W the S out of your V.

Despite how happy I am with all I've accomplished this week, I'm fucking exhausted. I was organizing ink pads at work tonight and one of my co-workers walked by, stopped in her tracks, and with a genuinely concerned look on her face said, "WOW, you look tired." I can't really blame her though; I'd probably do the same thing if I saw myself. Because I pretty much look like Taylor Momsen:

Except instead of expressing my teen angst via metric ton of black eye makeup, I just genuinely look like shit.

I know it's irritating that I can't really tell you what I've been up to, but I can tell you that the 2b1b merch store goes live next week! Yay! You'll be able to buy all the Sorr About the Bags and t-shirts and stickers you want. And I'll be able to afford pants again. WE BOTH WIN! (Or lose?) I arbitrarily chose next Wednesday as the day for the store to open. I was going to consult Tulane Chris about it, but he didn't answer his phone when I called him tonight. He must be too busy sitting a-top his Ivory Tower of Comedy jerking off to your blog comments, or whatever people who are 50 times funnier than I'll ever be do. (Bwaha, just kidding, Chris.) (No. No, I'm not.) But Wednesday is a good day to open the store, right? It'll add some pep to the mid-week slump, huh?? Plus, it'll give you all time to cook something up for our newest blog competition—The 2b1b Merch Store Competition!

Here's the deal: we here at 2birds1blog are pervy degenerates (which hopefully is nothing new to you) so, we want to hear your best sexual misadventure. That's right, we want to hear your juicy, embarrassing, painful, zany and downright unbelievable stories about gettin' up with the get down. Too bashful to open up? Use a pen name; I don't give a shit. You think "McBlogger" is on my driver's license? Well, it is. Now don't you feel stupid?

PRIZES! PRIZES! PRIZES!
1st Place: Our favorite piece will be published as Thursday's blog post and its author will receive a free Sorr About the Bag tote!

2nd Place: Wins a free sticker or two, I guess, because Lord knows the taste of defeat burns as it goes down.

3rd Place: Wins a photo of Tulane Chris and I standing back-to-back in matching BFF 4LYFE! t-shirts, dramatically torn down the middle and covered in tears.

Submissions are due in my mailbox (meg@2birds1blog.com) Tuesday night (5/25) at 11pm sharp and the winner will be announced on Wednesday's blog. If you'd like some sexual mishap inspiration to get your juices a-flowin', I'll remind you of the time I had sex with someone who was allergic to the fish tranquilizer lining his "stop-coming-so-damn-fast" condom. Because that happened. And Tulane Chris (who finally called me back from the Sister Mary Be-Subtle Home for the Developmentally Disabled where he now works in penance) would like to refer to the time he finished having sex with someone and the guy rolled over, sighed heavily and said, "that was the second-best sex I've ever had." Because that also happened. Happy writing!

2.) I've been irritating myself. Seriously. That's the other thing I've been doing. All this time shut-in in my apartment being productive has taught me one thing and one thing only: I am the most irritating person on the face of the planet. I don't know how anyone hangs out with me. Real world examples:

- I met Ex Co-Blogger Chris for lunch on Tuesday and aside from rambling nonsensically a lot and just generally being cracked-out from not interacting with people in a while, I at one point picked up my empty cup of soda, reached across the table and obnoxiously shook it back and forth (thereby clanking the ice around) directly in Chris' face. Repeatedly. Being an old pro at How To Handle Meg at Her Most Obnoxious, Chris looked me in the eye and said, "stop" sternly, as if he were reprimanding a dog. And it worked. I put my cup down and only then did it sink in what I had been doing. It was like I was sipping my soda, blacked out and came-to with an empty cup of ice in my hand and an ashamed look on my face. I was like, "Wait...was I just shaking my ice in your face?? Wow. Sorry about that." Why he always forgives me is beyond me.

- Directly after lunch, I went to the bank set up an account for the merch store, which a nice young Bank of America employee helped me do.

"Hmm..." said the employee as he looked at the computer screen, "I'm trying to find a way to set up your account so you don't have to pay a monthly fee."

"Well, I certainly appreciate that," I said back to him.

"No problem. Man, it's too bad you're not in school anymore because students get free checking."

And before I knew it, the following had flown out of my mouth: "Well, [scoffs] one might say that I'm a student in the school of life." A STUDENT. IN THE SCHOOL. OF LIFE. I swear to god, I don't even recognize myself anymore. After I said it, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, opened my eyes back up and said, "I am so sorry that I just said that." He was like, "Ha ha...yeah...that's cool. Just keep a balance of $700 and you won't have to pay a monthly fee, OK?" And fine. Because shit—I would have paid him $700 to never mention what happened again.

- I was at work the other day explaining to a customer the difference between the two textures of white paper we sell: luxe and superfine. Luxe has a bit of a texture to it, whereas superfine is completely smooth. This person, bless their heart, could not grasp that concept. So I pulled examples of both, held one in either hand and was like, "This is textured, so it's luxe. [Holds out other hand] This is smooth, so it's superfine. Luxe. [Holds out other hand] Superfine. Luxe. [Holds other hand out] Superfine. KETCHUP. [Holds other hand out] CATSUP. KETCHUP. [Holds other hand out] CATSUP."

Now why did I do that? Not everything in life has to be a Simpsons reference, Meg. You already have one tattooed onto your person, isn't that enough? The customer was like, "WAIT, WHEN DID KETCHUP COME INTO PLAY? I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT ONE WAS CALLED LUXE?!?!" And that's when I actually thought to myself, "God, this would be so much easier if I could embed the following video into this conversation:"


And really? Is that how far I've fallen? That I can't hold conversations with other human beings without needing to embed a video in order for them to understand me?

- Later that day, the hottest guy evs came in and started sniffing around the section of the store where I was working and he was wearing a UPenn t-shirt. Um, hello—Ex Co-Blogger Eddie just graduated from UPenn! I've spent many an debaucherous weekend at UPenn! I've contributed to UPenn blogs! UPenn graduated on Monday! It was like God plucked the man of my dreams from the heavens, wrapped him up in an ice-breaker bow and delivered him directly to my groin. But instead of going over and saying something (which, you know, is also part of my job) I ran and hid behind the place card rack. I hid. I'm like a 12-year-old boy who can't talk to his crush because he has an embarrassing boner. Except my boner is my personality. I know this might be hard to believe, but once upon a time I actually had game. I used to like, meet guys and go on dates and have sex. Now I just fantasize about one day being able to embed video into conversations. I might as well just turn in my Fallopian tubes and call it a day.

- I found a rubber stamp at work today in the half-off section that said "DON'T ASK!" in script. For the hottest of hot seconds, I was like, "HA HA, wouldn't it be funny if I stamped that on a card and wrote 'DON'T TELL!' underneath and sent it out to all of my gay friends as a goof?!" UM. Hi. No. That would not be funny. That would be mailing a nice little reminder of their struggle for equality directly into their homes. As a "goof." That would be like me mailing a card with a stamp of an oven on it to my mom and being like, "GET IT?!?! OVENS! LIKE WHAT THE NAZIS COOKED THE JEWS IN! GET IT, MOM?!?!?!" Sigh...God I'm irritating.

So that's what I've been doing for the past week. Working hard on 9,000 projects and irritating the sin out of myself. Ugh. I don't want to talk about myself anymore. Because I'm the worst. Let's get some other people in the mix, shall we? It's time for Queer Abby—our weekly advice column where Amy responds to your questions with legit advice and I ramble about Christ knows what! (QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com)

Queer Abby,

I have been close friends with a guy (we'll call him Jim) for about a year now. We hang out pretty regularly, once or twice a week, and email at work all the time. A couple weeks ago I ended a 3 year relationship with someone else. Today I was going through my emails and realized that Jim's lingo has changed a little bit. Instead of saying things like "Wanna hang out tonight?" and "Last night was frickin' bitchin'" he's saying things like "I'd like to spend some time with you" and "I really enjoyed our night out last night". Also, over the course of the last couple weeks, he has bought me dinner twice, paid for a movie and bought me quite a bit of drinks. Now, it's not unusual for us to buy each other things or pay for meals, but its usually not that frequent. He hasn't tried to kiss me or anything obvious, but knowing him, I can say that not getting any action doesn't necessarily mean anything either.

So here's my question: Am I accidentally dating Jim?

And the follow-up question: How do I end this without pointing it out, potentially making it awkward and ruining a good friendship?

Sincerely, Accidental Dude Dater

Well ADD, you’re definitely not dating. That requires mutual intent and some exchange of fluids.

All the same, you’re right—pointing it out would likely embarrass him and definitely change the dynamic between the two of you. So for now, you just need be super mindful and make sure you’re not perpetuating it in anyway. I suspect that after a 3-year relationship, you’re probably trying to fill a lot of time you’re not used to having by yourself. While he’s no doubt willing to stand in, make sure you’re not placing any of your need for companionship and attention on him. (Not placing any blame, just ensuring you’re meeting due diligence.)

Try to avoid spending more time with him than normal or entertaining any flirtation so that you’re not sending the wrong signals. By extension, stop doing anything that doesn’t send the clear message that he may as well be your brother because nothing is going to happen (assuming that’s a deal-breaker for you...shudder) For example, don’t let him pay for you—either go dutch or as he’s paying for whatever, say something like “Thanks, I’ll pay for the .” You might even try talking about other guys or setting him up with other girls.

Now, after you’ve done all of that, if his pursuits continue or escalate, then you’ll either have to stop hanging out with him or have The Conversation. Yes, it will be awkward, but it will be his own fault for leaving you with no other options.

Yeah. I don't think going haflsies on a corndog is really going to help anything if he's that hung up on you. I know this because I've been him. Well, I've been in a situation where I was hanging out one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex who sometimes picked up the tab and shit was kind of flirty but it wasn't going anywhere physical. Which obviously should have been a red flag that I needed to get a life, but when you're into someone, you're not really looking for flags. After months of being all WAIT, HE PAID FOR THAT MOVIE TICKET—DOES THAT MEAN HE'S READY TO MEET MY MOM?!??!?! I got fed up of non-dating and was like, "Hi, I have a crush on you. You trying to make this happen or what?" And he was like, "No, thank you." And now we're not friends anymore. (Hit play for full effect.)

It sucked, but I mean, at least I finally knew where I stood. So the way I see it, either this non-dating will continue and mozel tov to you, or he's going to say something and/or make a move, it's going to make things awkward and that will probably be the end of your friendship. Or at least the end of the way your friendship is now.

xoxo,



______________

Queer Abby,

I have been dating my boyfriend for the better part of three years. We'll both be graduating from college in May. He'll be moving to NYC for a year-long service position, while I'll be moving back home to Minnesota to live with my parents and work full-time. We've discussed the pros and cons of a long-distance relationship, but haven't arrived at any consensus. I'm convinced we could have a very good future together, but I'm hesitant to conduct our relationship over the phone for the next 1-2 years. Any suggestions.

Gratefully,
Dominic D.

Dear Dominic D.

When I was your age, I would have hated me for saying this…but since I’m not, I know it’s the right answer and I’m hoping it’s slightly less annoying since it’s not coming from one of your parents: You’re way too young to be trying to swing a transcontinental relationship for 2 years. And, if I’m hearing you right, you don’t even know what will happen after that 1-2 years.

LDRs are really hard even if you know you’ll definitely be together at some point before long. But add to it the uncertainty, the fact that both of you will change immeasurably over the next 2 years, and the fact that he’s going to live in Gay Boy Mecca…even if the temptation doesn’t tear you apart, the mistrust alone could.

It does sound like you guys are being very communicative and mature about it though, and I’m not saying a future together is out of the question. But the best way eff that up in the meantime is by placing unrealistic expectation on one another. So, unless you’re both so committed to a future together that you’ll start making decisions that will enable it now (which I’m not advocating either), then you really should let it breathe.

At very least, agree to see other people. You can stay in touch if you both feel you can do so honestly and comfortably. You can even hook up if you’re in the same city and neither of you are otherwise involved (these parameters are up to you two to discuss). But a year or two of being open to other options will either a) reinforce that you guys have a great future together or b) prove that there are better things out there. Either way, you’re better for knowing.

Pfft. I am the wrong girl to ask that question. I always think LTRs can work, but I think that's mostly because I've never been in one. They can't be that hard, can they? I mean the chick on L.A. Ink who looks like a cackling clown's dying nightmare was in a successful LTR with a guy who lived in Ireland? RIGHT??

I was seeing someone who I was really into when I decided to leave New York in 2008 and it was a weird because we hadn't been seeing each other long enough for me to stay for him AT ALL, but we had been dating long enough to warrant a conversation being like, "Well this sucks. This was going really well." We still talk and every now and then I'm like, "Man. I really liked that guy. A casual LTR wouldn't be that hard, would it?" I mean, he's just so damn cute. It's not fair. He looks like Seth Meyers' doppelganger to the point where it's slightly disturbing and off-putting.

I can't watch SNL without having hot and heavy flashbacks. (And I am not complaining)

So what I'm trying to say is I don't have any advice for you. Your situations sucks. I'm 0 for 2 tonight. But at least I have plans to jerk it and while watching Weekend Update clips on Hulu later?


______________

Queer Abby,

I haven't ever submitted anything to an advice columnist, but I'm a huge fan of 2b1b and since it was as easy as an e-mail, I thought I'd give it a shot.

My younger brother just started dating someone whom I am NOT a fan of. It's only been a few months, and it's not like she refuses to recycle, hates puppies, picks her nose (in public), or anything else totally despicable, I just can't put my finger on why I don't dig her. I just don't think she's a "good fit" for my brother. Anyway, I've decided to not try and "get over it" (as any good therapist would probably suggest), instead - I've decided that I should try and secretly sabotage the relationship before it gets too serious. And I'd rather do it in a way that doesn't involve me ending up looking like the asshole. Any suggestions?

Birdie M.

PS - no need to come back with "is anyone really going to be good enough for your little brother, etc." Yes, someone will be, I'm sure. I'm not looking for creme de la creme here, just a better version

Dear BM (your choice, not mine):

I can understand why this would be difficult for you to plan since everyone in your life has loved everyone you’ve ever dated... But that’s what I’m here for!

Ok, so here’s what you should do: Sit him down and say, “Brother, I’m not a huge fan. I think you can find someone better.” OR, if you think he’ll need you to spell it out for him a liiiittle more, just say “Brother, I care about you a lot but I think you’re an idiot, and I don’t trust you to make good decisions. Sooooo, I thought you might need me to tell you to let this one go... Don’t get me wrong, I want you to be happy. But don’t you think it’s a little selfish of you not to consider my happiness too?” You choose!

OR, better yet, you could just print out that last statement word for word and ask him to read it to you (sans “Brother” of course). If nothing else, that would be a great way to test the statement’s effectiveness! If it doesn’t work on you, then you’ll know for sure just to go straight to Plan B-- telling The Girlfriend your brother LOVES women with hairy arm pits.

Yeah. What Amy's trying to tell you is don't try to sabotage your brother's relationship and I'm going to have to agree with her.

I'm going to tell you a little story: When my sister started dating her now fiance, we didn't quite mesh well together. I don't think he understood that besides being Becca's little sister, I'm also one of her BFFs. So when he treated me like Becca's Token Little Sister instead of like any of her other friends, I got really uncomfortable and shut down (which really didn't help us get to know each other.) But as they got more serious, I got more serious about making sure that he got to know the real me instead of the BeCcA's LiL Sis me and as time went on, I came out of my Little Sister shell more and more and we started to become friends. And now they're getting married and he treats her like a fucking princess! I mean, can you imagine if I tried to sabotage their relationship a year ago because I didn't think we meshed perfectly? Who gives a shit if we didn't mesh? He's not dating me, he's dating her. Plus, once I changed my attitude, it turns out we mesh just fine!

I know I'm sounding slightly Smug Puggish, but dude, really. This person makes your brother happy for a reason. You either need to find it or simmer down.


OK, that was rough advice on my part for all 3, but if it makes you advice-seekers feel any better, I'm currently lying on my back with my laptop on my stomach and after I finished writing that last paragraph, I lifted the laptop in the air to pull the covers up and in doing so completely knocked the computer out of my hand and onto my face. So there's that.

Welp, that's going to do it for us here at the old 2b1b! Thank you to Tulane "People Like Me Better Than Meg" Chris for picking up my slack this week and thank you fine people for reading, forwarding to your friends, following us on Twitter, joining our facebook page and sending in your merch store competition stories! (meg@2birds1blog.com!) Have a relaxing weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! L8rs.