The Winter Olympics are Ruining My Life

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm a huge Olympics fan. I don't mean the wear-red-white-and-blue-facepaint-for-two-weeks-chanting-USA-insulting-other-nations fan (me? not insulting minorities? who knew, right?). I just mean the watch-each-and-every-broadcasted-minute-of-Olympics-coverage-and-have-strong-feelings-towards-Bob-Costas type of fan. Which is strange, because I'm not exactly what you would call an avid sports fan. If there's a game on a television in my periphery, chances are I'll watch it, but I would never schedule time to sit down and watch a football game. With the Olympics, however, all bets are off and you can find me in front of a TV watching any number of NBC and its affiliates. I'd like to say this has something to do with the world unity the Olympics represents or something equally cheesy and Coke commercial-esque, but I don't think that's it. The Olympics is just so impressive to me because it's each nation's best athletes competing against each other to be named the world's best at whatever sport they specialize in. And I have a secret infatuation with watching people's hopes and dreams come true. At least, this is what I imagine happens whenever someone wins a medal.

But I'm going to be honest, I was a straight up hater of the Winter Games for a long time. The Summer Games ended back in '08 and I immediately was thinking about 2012, because who gives a rat's ass about the Winter Olympics? Why? Because let's face facts, the Summer Olympics just oozes sex appeal. Sure all Olympians have to be in top physical form to compete, but in the Summer Olympics I, the spectator, can judge that with my own two eyes. There's nothing overtly sexual about watching women's volleyball or men's gymnastics or Greco-Roman wrestling (lies, Greco-Roman wrestling is a Cinemax subscription away from softcore gay porn), but when Misty May and Kerri Walsh bumped, set, and spiked their way to gold....Can someone out there honestly tell me they weren't even slightly turned on? Google image Jonathan Horton (gymnast) and tell me he's not adorable slash could probably punch a hole through a steel door.

Now think about the Winter Olympics. What comes to mind? Probably curling, because everytime I've brought up this argument to anyone they say "The Winter Olympics is so boring. I mean, curling? Really?" But after you think of curling, there's probably a whole lot of lycra in your mental images right now. And not sexy Lycra. Weather-proofing Lycra. I'm told Bode Miller is a decent looking fellow, but how would I know that when he's wearing head-to-toe insulation? Besides, would you even care? I know that with all that snow on the ground, the first thing that comes to mind is shrinkage. Not sexy.

I will say, however, that over the course of the past 12 days, I have 100% changed my mind. The Winter Olympics are pretty durned great. After the miserable Opening Ceremony two Fridays ago (really? Irish-step dancing fiddlers? Really Canada? Sarah McLaughlin? This is what you're bringing to the table?) I was ready to throw in the towel and pat myself on the back for properly hating the Winter Games from the get go. But what turned it around for me? Believe it or not, it was curling.

I cannot tell you how much curling I've watched the past couple days. It's almost embarrassing. But the funny thing is that when I say "Oh god, I've been watching SO MUCH curling," the person I'm addressing has inevitably said "OMG ME TOO!" In a very scientific poll I just conducted, 4 out of 5 people polled have said they've become a "fan" of curling. I use the term fan loosely because it's hard to become a fan of something you're going to watch for a week and then not again for 4 years.

You are probably all expecting me to say, "And you know what else I love....ICE DANCING! ~*~Johnny Weir~*~" because I'm nothing but a walking stereotype. But quite frankly, after the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding debacle of '94, I just haven't been able to appreciate ice dancing/figure skating as much. It lacks an element of danger. Not like the skeleton. I cannot watch the skeleton because the thought of shooting down a tube of ice at 90 mph headfirst makes me want to throw up, binge eat out of nervousness, then throw up again. I was having a conversation with someone re: the difference between luge and bobsled, and then someone brought up skeleton saying "I like that one where they go headfirst." I proceeded to ridicule this person because I was convinced that was far too dangerous to be a sport. Looks like I'm the idiot (Anonymous commenter, I guess you have a point).

In short, these Winter Games have changed my mind drastically. However, I'm still 100% in the Summer Games camp. Do I have a countdown to the 2012 games? Maybe. Is it the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning? Perhaps. Is it because I have a vivid fantasy involved me, Ryan Lochte, some Greco-Roman wrestlers and a bottle of Crisco? .....ANYWAY, I'm excited to see the Closing Ceremony this Sunday, because the Olympics has been sucking up so much of my life these past two weeks. Not to mention the fact that I've had some serious Liz Lemon withdrawal. In the meantime, there's still five more days of competition...four of which involve curling. You know where I'll be.