Recap Tuesday: Kell on Earth is Heaven on Earth (META!)

Last night Kell on Earth premiered on Bravo, and it did NOT disappoint. Lord have mercy, Kelly Cutrone is something else. After helping LC out on The Hills and Whitney Port on The City, the world has finally wised up and given her her own show. And luckily for us, Kell on Earth has infinitely less: staring, stock footage, and emo music and more usage of the words: "Fuck" "fashion" and "export".

And real people. Not fake, done up for television, "look at us we're pretty and we work here" employees (Olivia Palerms, we're looking at you). The first shots we get of the whole People's Revolution group is at a company meeting where Kelly talked about fashion or something that I couldn't pay attention to BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY FASHION CONUNDRUMS IN ONE ROOM. Leaving Kelly out of this, because she can get away with wearing a tribal caftan and no makeup, I counted: a mesh top, a Canadian tuxedo, rumpled formal shorts (or possibly a romper), and to top it all off, Kelly's business partner Robyn or "Snow White with razor blades" wore this lovely ill-fitting denim...

romper maybe? possibly strapless minidress? I'm not sure but it makes her looks like Saggy McWhiteTrash. Let's just call it a denim piece.

I'm not quite sure exactly what went on plotwise for the first 10 minutes of the show because I was 100% gawking at the terrible clothing being jammed down my gullet. Specifically Andrew M (but more on him in a minute). I did, however, glean that Kelly does not let anyone cry in the office, because the fashion industry is not nice and we can't throw pity parties whenever someone makes you feel bad. Sound advice. Most likely foreshadowing. But foreshadowing for what?

Anyway, let's meet Kelly's minions.

First there are her business partners Robyn (of ill-fitting denim number fame) and Emily (of owning the fact that she's a bitch within the first thirty seconds of this show fame because we can't have a reality TV show without that type of girl.) Aside from Emily's mini-intro at the beginning of the episode, we don't see much of her.

Robyn, however, we find out lives and works in the People's Revolution building (just like Kelly!) but unlike Ms. Cutrone, Robyn lives in the backroom of a showroom because she shadily had to move out of one apartment and didn't have time to find a new one. I wonder how that conversation was broached at work when it was decided she would live there. "Here's that fax you wanted. By the way, 5th floor showroom, mind if I put a futon in there? Nope? Great, I'll be up there macking on Lean Cuisines and watching Designing Women if you need me." This might explain why at some points she looks done up and other times she's lounging around work in track pants. I guess when you're office is your house, you kind of veg out alot?

Then there's Stephanie Skinner, but I can't hear anything but Spitter when she is referred to on screen. Spitter was Kelly's assistant but has just been promoted and is trying to "run with the big wolves" or something other mixed metaphor. She's basically an inoffensive quasi-hipster, except for when she channels Courtney Love at her most drugged out.

That picture gives me nightmares. Anyway, she's just sitting on a rainbow, trying to make it if she can. But she doesn't think she can. But she will not resort to taking Ativan to help her focus. So I guess she's not channeling C.Love?

Andrew M. What can we say about Andrew M? Frankly, I respect the hell out of Kelly for hiring him specifically because he wasn't a perky, blonde girl looking to get into the fashion business. But he is a sartorial...something. Nightmare comes to mind, but I'm borderline fascinated by him. In the first hour of this series, he has worn:

LOTS of black mesh,

An asymmetrical shirt which, in my notes I just wrote: OMG WHAT?! ONE SLEEVE MAN SHIRT?! because I could not wrap my head around it. But then he wore a floor-length sequined gown for the David Delfin show

as well as a flannel shirt. And I realized that the asymmetric shirt probably wasn't bought in the men's section.

And finally a less-offensive, but still blinding neon pink flashdance number.

(There are matching pants involved, which of course there are matching pants.)

Obvi he's gay, but I'm confused about whom he hopes to attract looking like a damn fool. Also I would throw up if my boss ever told me she was "actively looking for a sexual partner" for me even if that boss was Kelly Cutrone. I almost passed out the other day when I fumbled and told my boss I was extremely hungover because I had gotten blackout the night before. Forget about fishing for menfolk from our office window. (And who said Jersey Shore never taught anyone a lesson?) Blanyway, Andrew develops a crush on a model at the David Delfin show, and Kelly tries to hook it up, because she's kind of amazing. Unfortunately the model is already taken (obviously) WAMP WAMP. I'm not exactly a ten myself (I'd be generous and say I'm a solid 4) (Editor's note: BULL. SHIT. If I recall correctly, there was a flock of girls around Co-Blogger Chris at Jäger Ball telling him he could be a "Ralph Lauren model" versus the AN person who told me I was a quote, "7 or 8, I guess." So don't start with me, Chris. Don't start. Because I'll finish it. And it will involve a mesh top.), so who am to judge, but I know enough to tell when someone is out of my league. And I'm not even wearing a sequined gown (today). I have a sinking feeling we're going to have to watch Andrew fumble around for a sex life at least three more times this season and I don't think I'm comfortable with that.

There are some minor characters who don't really matter much right now and they are:

Stephanie V who loves the color yellow and tried to manufacture some drama about the showroom setup for David Delfin which is far too boring to get into. #Dramafail.

Andrew S who is like an Oompa Loompa version of Barry Manilow in a pill-pushing, lisp-talking, homosexual package.

Ava, who is Kelly's daughter and is 7 yrs old, loves peace signs, hearts, and is a diva about where she sits for fashion shows. I found the scenes where Kelly was being a mom 110% adorable, and the fact that she was baking for Ava made me love Kelly a little more, if that's possible.

and Nana, who is Kelly's personal Aunt Jemima.

Enough small talk: it's fashion time.

So that lame showroom scuffle mentioned above was the segue into the Fashion #1: David Delfin show (of Andrew's sequined dress fame). I don't know what to say about the show, because Kelly and everyone else oh-faced about Delfin's designs but I just saw alot of seafoam green and simple lines. I guess that's the point? To make me think about my friend Casie's old Nokia cell phone? The one thing I can say that I loved was the fringe the models walked through to enter/exit the runway. I would pay good money to make every door I ever walk through again just a mess of fringe like that. (At least I hope it was fringe and not paper, because that'd give you a shitload of papercuts, walking through that shit twice.)

Fashion #2 was the much talked about Chado Ralph Rucci show. I cannot tell you how long it took me to figure out what everyone was saying because no one on this show can talk slow or enunciate, so I kept hearing a different name each time. Anyway, the whole second half of this episode focused on the Chateau Fallucci show and if someone was checking the Chad Ho Ralguchey RSVP voicemails and if the seating chart for Charro Con Smoochie was done yet. They mentioned that damn seating chart more times than I can count (thank god this isn't a DGF or I would have died a million times over drinking every time they said "seating chart").

Drama time:

This episode was kind of like a Fashion Week primer for anyone who hasn't ever seen Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Ugly Betty, The Hills, The City or any other show tangentially related to fashion. And the main drama centered around the Chat O'Paluchy RSVP list and seating chart. And basically, Spitter could not handle the RSVPs on her own, she she tried to delegate to some of the underlings, who fucked it all up. No one was checking the voicemail, RSVPs were being doubled, random people were calling in and RSVPing yes to try and bust in on the show (which is a semi-brilliant idea, and I bet that's worked in the past). Basically it was a whole mess of problems. And to top it all off, Spitter isn't quite familiar with how to use Microsoft Excel (I'm assuming since the word "export" got thrown around an awful lot whilst dealing with Tech Support) and couldn't print the list to give to the designer. Needless to say she flips out (because you know tech support was in India and couldn't give her the answers she needed) and she has a chat with Andrew M, who doesn't stop picking at the mesh in his armpit the entire conversation, which is really distracting for me, and I'm sure for Spitter. Maybe he took her mind of her problems by putting it on his armpit instead? In which case, man's a genius. But I think he was just airing out his pits. Which, gross and you're wearing mesh. Two strikes. The episode ends with an overly dramatic "To be continued..." when Kelly realizes the problem is technical and out of her staff's hands. What is going to happen next? I don't know, but I'm excited

Other things happened (including a visit from a faux-lebrity whose name I'm not even going to write because if she knows the number of NY Post covers she's been on for being a whore, then you know she Googles herself as well and I'm not giving her the satisfaction) but they weren't that spectacular. Also, Bravo has this annoying habit of putting a 30-45 second long clip of the show between commercials, so when you're DVRing you see it and think "OH SHIT! It's back!" only to realize it's just a mildly humorous clip that was borderline unnecessary. This week, we see that Kelly pays people to come and do her eyebrows and nails in the office because she's so busy she can't leave. Isn't that wacky? Thanks, Bravo. I'll charge my DVR repair to you, if you don't mind.

So there you have it, Kell on Earth. I actually could enjoy recrapping this (unlike The City which was vapid to the extreme). Frankly, I just want to see Kelly Cutrone tell someone they are Sicilian dead to her. I'll stick with.