Dr. Reuben's Q&A of the Day

You know what they say: If you need a shoe fixed; go to the cobbler. If you need ass-backward answers to your sexual questions; go to Dr. Reuben.

Why do children begin to masturbate so early?
Because their mothers teach them to. Frequently it develops like this:

Marie is in the pediatrician's office. She is worried. Her four-year-old boy, Jimmie, plays with himself. This is how she tells it:

"But doctor, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. I just can't stand it any longer!"

"What seems to be the trouble with Jimmie?"

"The trouble? Why he does this horrid thing to himself all the time! He takes his...his...his male, you know, and plays with it, right in front of me!"

"How long has he been doing this?"

"For about a year now but it's getting worse! Last week he did it in front of my mother!"

"Perhaps he has some irritation of the penis—that's common in young children."

"Why, I can't imagine how that could happen. I scrub his...his organ very carefully at least twice a day."

"How long have you been doing that?"

"Oh, about a year."

Just in case Jimmie didn't figure it out for himself, his mother showed him that gentle rubbing of his penis feels good. He got the message and started to produce these good feelings himself. But he finds it hard to understand the rest. If he plays with his own penis, his mother gets furious; if she does it, it's okay. Besides there must be something really great about the whole business if mother won't let him do it. The other things she forbids, like candy and staying up late, are a lot of fun, too.

This is the characteristic pattern of masturbation—discovery (or revelation by mother) of pleasant sexual feelings and the start of masturbation—prohibition (usually by mother)—guilt—continued masturbation with added guilt. The same thing happens, of course, with little girls.

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Marie and Jimmie, sittin' in a tree. J-E-R-K-I-N-G. This Q&A makes me makes me ungodly uncomfortable for many reasons. I think mostly because I foresee this being a Narwhal situation where I think something is crazy and mind-boggling only to find out that it's common knowledge. And I don't think I could handle living in a world where I'm the weirdo for figuring out out to masturbate on my own without my mom's help. Don't get me wrong; moms are great. They're the best! They teach us how to do all sorts of useful things like tie our shoelaces, ride our bikes and tweeze our eyebrows. Mine, however, sure as Christ didn't teach me how to get off. And I refuse to believe that I'm the exception to the rule. Thus, I conducted a very scientific poll (scientific = asking Co-Blogger Chris and Alex via gchat) and 100% of people surveyed did not learn not masturbate this way and were shocked and horrified that I even asked.

Christopher: why are you asking? is this a dr. reuben hypothesis?

me: of course it is.

Christopher: OF COURSE it is.

Now, I understand that when you bathe someone, you're naturally going to have to have some interaction with the genitals, but how much time are you spending down there, Marie, that your son has moved on from playing with his rubber duckie to having a sexual awakening? Perhaps too much time.

For me, what it all boils down to is this:

"Why, I can't imagine how that could happen. I scrub his...his organ very carefully at least twice a day."

Is it just me or is that a lot of dick scurbbing? Like, I'm all for hygiene and all, but isn't meticulously scrubbing your son's Johnson morning, noon and night a little overkill? And why are you scrubbing his penis at all? Like, of all the verbs to use, scrubbing is just horrifying.

Things I Routinely Scrub:
- Pots
- Pans
- Sinks
- My bathtub (if company is coming over...) (And apparently Helena ≠ company)
- Stains out of sweaters

Things I Do Not Routinely Scrub:
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS

And I feel like that shouldn't make me the weirdo! OR SHOULD IT?! Oh my god, I feel like I'm high on glue. If I get even one email today berating me for not taking a Brillo pad to my how-ya-doin', I am going to renounce society, move to an Indian reservation in Arizona and assume the name Dances With Carringtons.

And speaking of being mind-boggled by quote, "common knowledge," check out this series Q&A's!

What kind of [douche] is best?
[...]Actually they are all about the same; their primary effect depends on washing the sperm out of the vagina. The liquid of choice, with one exception, is just plain water. Cheap, sanitary, harmless, it is as effective as any of the others.

What's the one exception?
Coca-Cola. Long a favorite soft drink, it is, coincidentally, the best douche available. A coke contains carbonic acid which kills the sperm and sugar which explodes the sperm cells. The carbonation forces it into the vagina under pressure and helps penetrate every tine crevice of vaginal lining. It is inexpensive (ten cents per application), universally available, and come sin a disposable applicator.

How is it used?
After intercourse, the woman doesn't even have to get out of bed. She merely reaches over to the table, picks up a bottle of warm Coke, uncaps it, places her thumb over the top, shakes vigorously, and inserts the neck of the bottle into the vagina. A bowl under her hips to catch the overflow helps. Instantly she has an effervescent douche. The six-ounce bottle is just the right size for one application.

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WHAT IN THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!?1 Coke is the best douche available?! OIFJWOIEJF23R! I just feel...drunk on unbelievableness right now. I have the spins. I could pass out at any moment. If you held a gun to my head and said, "Meg, either shove this coke bottle up your snizz and explode 20oz of warm coke into every crevice of your uterine lining or get shot in the head," I would recommend you tape a trash bag to the wall behind me because you are going to have to pull that trigger, sir. Honestly. Who does this? Who? I mean, I already feel like enough of a cum dumpster when I have to get up to go to the bathroom right after having sex anyway, I can't imagine being like, "Welp baby, that was great. Now would you mind passing me the large porcelain bowl and lukewarm coke on the nightstand next to you? I'm just going to quickly shake this up and douche out the exploded sperm cells. I'll try not to get any on you. But don't worry, we can totally cuddle after that."

I just...I can't. My name is Dances With Carringtons and from here on out I am celibate and asexual. Good day.