Episodes 5 & 6 of The Jersey Shore!

Happy Recap Friday! God I've missed the Jersey Shore gang, haven't you? Up until last night I was still an episode behind (unclean...UNCLEAN!) so here's a quick recap of Episode 5: Just Another Day at the Shore.

We finally get to see the aftermath of Snooki getting punched, which consists of a lot of crying, people puffing their chests out like proud birds and throwing the phrase "grown ass man" around a lot. And Lord knows aint nothin' wrong with that. --> The Situation is a total A-fuck in everybody (but especially Ronnie's) eyes because you know that episode of The Office when Michael falls into the koi pond and Jim backs away awkwardly instead of trying to help? Yeah, well that's what The Situation did to Snooki. And MTV shows it like 900 times in black and white slo-mo with only The Situation highlighted, which is hilarious in and of itself. --> Ronnie says "sawr" instead of saw, which is endearing and irritating all at the same time (a.k.a. exactly how I like my men.) --> The gang bonds like Na to Cl after the fight (is 9:30 too early in the morning for a science joke?) which I totally get, as evidenced by the name of Anna's Facebook photo album from the weekend of our infamous Roosevelt Island fight: "The Gang that Slugs Together, Hugs Together." --> Ronnie's family comes for a visit and his moms almost pees her Jordache jeans when Sammi takes forever to get ready for lunch --> The house has a big surf and turf dinner and there's lots of comical shots of Snooki struggling to open her mouth to accomodate various foods, which begs the question how can she felate a pickle? --> Sammi and The Situation get in a fight because she refuses to do the dishes even though he cooked. This reminds me that I would rather watch 10 days worth of Body Heat cologne commercials than ever have a roommate again. Ultimately Sammi puts her foot down and The Situation bans her from "Surf 'n Turf Night, Ravioli Night, Chicken Cutlet night" et al. I send an urgent telegram to The Situation telling him that I'll clean his entire kitchen with my toungue if I can come to even one of those nights. --> The Situation meets a girl who he doesn't just want to fling around in the air like a-pizza-pie-a, but actually wants to "do sweet things for." Unfortunately for him, she has blacklight eyes and sees the cum stains and AIDS all over him and runs in the other direction. --> Some chick calls J-Woww and Snooki fat at the clerb and J-Woww Chris Browns her ass up, down and sideways. --> Where it's at? Pauly D's got two turn tables and a microphone. And those turn tables are bedazzled.

Sammi and Ronnie are That Couple (Theresa Cilbert?) who sulk in the corner of the party and leave early to go home, cuddle and watch Two and a Half Men. --> Vinny hooks up with a "hot" cougar who ends up being Boss Danny's date for the night. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

FIN!

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OK, good. I feel better. Now that that's out of the way, I present you with Episode 6: Boardwalk Blow-Ups.

So, yes. Vinny is in the awkward position of realizing that he just stuck his tongue down the throat of his boss/landlord's date. LOLZ—Claaaaaassic Vinny! Frankly I couldn't be more excited by this turn of events. Vinny's just knocking out the competition for me and I appreciate him buying me the extra time because my Jessica Simpson hair extensions haven't come in the mail yet. I'll make that Danny character mine soon...oh don't you worry...I'll make him mine. Anyway, Danny is pretty cool about it the next day at work with Vinny. (Probably because he knows in his heart of hearts that he's in love with a snarky blogger who loves gummy foods and taking the easy way out.) And speaking of Vinny! His love life is a-boomin' huh?? He talks to The Situation's little sister on the phone for a solid 45 minutes and decides that he's in lerve with her, which The Situation actually supports. But apparently Vinny was busy practicing how to shave his head Saturday mornings as a youth and never saw the episode of Saved by the Bell when Zack dates Slater's little sister and every time he goes to make out her, she turns into Slater in a wig. Because that's essentially what happens to Vinny. Minus the acid wash jeans. Well, that's a lie and we both know it. Plus the acid wash jeans. Much like with Zack and JB, Ronnie and The Situation's sister decide to just be friends and Dennis Haskins crypt-walks in and fist-pounds us into the commercial break. (God, If only.)

Now, I've gotten into some stupid fights in my day, but that night after leaving the club, Ronnie and Sammi get into what has to be The World's Dumbest Couple Fight in the History of Couple Fights. Strong statement, I know, but I'm sticking by it. As Ronnie and Sammi are in a cab en route to change into sweatpants and have a tickle war or whatever it is that Theresa Cilberts leave parties early to do, they start playfully ribbing each other when out of nowhere it gets uncomfortably serious. It's like when you call your friend a ho and they're like, "yeah, well your mom's a ho! HAHAHA!" And you're like, "HAHAH, no your mom's a ho!" And then they're like, "MY MOM DIED IN CHILDBIRTH, ASSHOLE!" and things get really serious all of a sudden and you have to explain that you were joking and in no way think their mother actually exchanged sex for money and you wished you had never said anything in the first place. That's what happened. Sammi calls Ronni a "stumpy bastard" so Ronni calls Sammi a "stumpy bastard" and it's all good and fun until he calls Sammi's toes stumpy bastards, which unbeknownst to Ronnie she's actually sensitive about. Suddenly she's on the roof hysterically crying and he tries to apologize, but she tells him to fuck off and he tells her that if she walks away now it will be "strike three" and she dramatically walks away as he shouts after her, "WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...IT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT!" Other overly-dramatic Lifetime movie-esque lines he could have used:

"WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...YOU SHOULD BE USED TO IT!"

"WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...JUST LIKE WITH EVERYONE ELSE WHO TRIES TO GET CLOSE TO YOU!

"WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!"

Ronnie joins the boys to go "creep" in revenge but can't because he loves Sammi, stumpy bastard toes and all, comes home and they make up. Like I said...World's Dumbest Couple Fight in the History of Couple Fights. (Also, I would just like to point out that post-cab fight, pre-roof fight, Ronnie grills himself a piece of chicken. What the fuck? When I come home from a night of partying it's an honest-to-god challenge to pour myself a bowl of cereal. Seriously, I walked into my kitchen the other morning and it looked like Wolverine tried to open a box of Kashi with his claws. I can't imagine getting a grill involved.)

ONTO OUR NEXT FIGHT! Remember that girl Alex The Situation hooked up with a little while back? The one who's BFF was The Grenade who told her she "really didn't want to be doing this"? Well, The Situation runs into her again at a bar and invites her back to the house. She says she has to "get something out of her friend's car" but promises she'll meet up with him at the house later. Unfortunately when she comes back, she brings The Grenade and a new character—The Grenade Launcher. The Grenade Launcher is...well...an overtly fat chick. A "hippo," as Snooki calls her. Being the brave manly man he is, The Situation makes Snooki kick out The Grenade and The Grenade Launcher for him, which she does. Obviously the Grenades are none too thrilled, call Snooki a "nasty-ass bitch" and all hell breaks lose. In the end, Snooki's mouth gets fucked up again, The Grenade Launcher's shirt rides up way too high for my liking during the fight (shudder, shudder) and Alex gets arrested. Then Uncle Frank walks in, looks The Situation square in the eyes and says, "Look what you did, you little jerk." The Situation sulks upstairs has to spend the rest of the night sleeping on the hide-a-bed with Fuller and everyone hopes Fuller had at least three glasses of Pepsi because that's what The Situation gets for bringing "zoo animals" home.

OUR FINAL FIGHT OF THE EVENING! 'Ehhh...Christ. Another Ronnie/Sammi fight. This one is slightly more interesting than The Toe Fight and involves other people, so that's a plus. OK. So. The gang goes out to a bar. They're fist-pumping and grinding and J-Woww has exchanged her normal outfit of neon-colored bra, ripped acid wash jeans and black Reebok High Tops for fishnets and underpants and everything is going fine until some random asshole starts giving them shit for, well, being The Jersey Shore cast. The guy harasses the cast all night, desperately trying to instigate a fight because obviously the only thing cooler than being a cast member on The Jersey Shore is being able to say you've been in a fight with a cast member on The Jersey Shore. He finally gets his fight when he and his girlfriend follow Ronnie and Sammi home, harassing them all the way. Sammi finally loses her cool, barks some insults back at the couple and is about to get all up in their faces when Ronnie tells her to calm down and physically pushes her back. The Instigator accuses Ronnie of "domestic violence," Ronnie completely loses his shit and the two get into an all-out brawl that doesn't stop until Pauly D, The Situation and the cops are called. Yowzahs, right? In his rage, Ronnie blames the fight on Sammi and Sammi wants nothing to do with him because "he traumatized her" when he pushed her back. Sammi is the new Rhianna, black is white, up is down and that's the ballgame folks!

FIN!
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