Dr. Reuben's Q&A o' the Day:

Are there any other types of masturbation beside genital and anal?
Yes. Most people don't talk much about urethral masturbation but it is relatively common. In this form of sexual stimulation, the passage from the bladder to the outside is stimulated by inserting objects and moving them back and forth gently. So far no one has come up with a mechanized way to do this, but, with transistors and miniaturization, it can happen any day.
This type of sexual play is most common in a woman, probably because her urethra is more sensitive sexually. Located between the clitoris and vagina it is well-supplied with nerve connections to these structures. The most common object used for urethral stimulation is the handiest one—a hair pin. Inserted gently and slid back and forth it rarely brings an orgasm itself but facilitates and intensifies clitoral and vaginal masturbation. Safety pins (closed), pencils, rubber bands, and even lipstick cases will do the trick. As the urethra is used more and more this way, it stretches until it will admit the tip of the finger. Women who enjoy this technique then masturbate with one finger on the clitoris, one in the urethra, and one in the vagina. They say that each area multiplies the sensations from the others.
Men also use urethral masturbation but to a much lesser extent. The greater length of the male passage requires longer objects, but these are easily found. Small pieces of wire, lengths of plastic tubing, large caliber pencil leads, all find their way to the urethra.

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OK. Now, I know it's not cool to judge what gets people off and I'm just as open-minded and Free to Be You and Me as the next gal, but OH, HOLY NIGHT. There is nothing sexy about the thought of shoving anything, nevertheless a metal hair accessory, up my pee hole. Nothing. In fact, that is the antithesis of sexy. If I were to sit down and make a list of 3 of the most unsexy things I can think of, it would be the following:
3.) Nazis
2.) Partial-birth abortions
1.) Shoving something up my urethra and "sliding it back and forth"

I would rather receive a partial-birth abortion FROM a Nazi than shove one single bobby pin up my urethra. The word "shove" and "urethra" shouldn't even legally be allowed in the same sentence unless we're talking catheters. Even then I'd prefer we establish and substitute a safe word, like "foxtrot." Foxtrot the catheter into the urethra. (Nope, still traumatizing.) Urethra itself is such a heinous word. It's like Uruguay and wreath. And then someone shouts AH! at the end because the thought of shoving something up it is so terrifying. Oh my god...my loins.

Oh, and a lipstick case?!

What is your urine stream like if you can comfortably accommodate a lipstick case up there? What does that sound like from the next stall over? Because I'm imagining something like dropping a lake onto a sheet pan and I don't like it.

As for gentleman—shoving wire up your urethra? I don't have a dick and mine still hurts after reading that. I googled "urethral masturbation" (because everyone at work already thinks I'm racist so, fuck it! Let's make 'em think I like autoerotic urethra play as well, huh?!) and one of the first links is "Electrical wire as a foreign body in a male urethra: a case report." Ummm...I clicked it. And let me tell you—IT CONTAINS PICTURES! For the love of all that is good and holy, please be warned that it CONTAINS PICTURES! Pictures that gave me a UTI just from looking at them! I can't even talk about what I saw. It wasn't just one wire—it was two. Oh my god, stop. They were the thick radiopaque wires. Meg! Stop typing! And black. Oh my god here it comes...AND HE'S UNCIRCUMCISED AND HAS A WIFE AND KIDS AND GOT MINIMUM SIX INCHES OF WIRE IN AND THREE INCHES WERE LEFT STICKING STRAIGHT OUT AND GAHHHH IT WAS TRAUMATIC!!!!1 So, you know, NSFW! LOLZ! The X-ray is unreal. If you don't think you can stomach the real deal; try the X-ray. You can still make out penis though, so if I were you I'd go home, pour myself a strong drink, call a loved one, sit down and take a look-see. (I'd also take a few Advil first.) (And Midol for the inevitable cramps.)

Thank you Dr. Reuben. You've really outdone yourself!