And you can't get pregnant from doing it in the butt. Or in a hot tub. Or on even-numbered days.

So I've mentally checked out for the week. Anybody else? Yep. Thought so. I think it's time for a Q&A from old Doc Reuben. HUZZAH!

Why should anyone make his own condom?
A man on a camping trip with his wife, a fellow suddenly finding himself in a motel room at one a.m. with his girl friend, a college student in the back seat of a car—if they have not been foresighted—may find themselves ill-equipped for a night of love. American ingenuity being what it is, they make do with the materials at hand. A motel room has plenty to offer. Those plastic bags they wrap the drinking glasses in give some protection. They may be a little wide and a little short, but they are better than nothing. After an evening's celebration, many a couple has kept sperm and egg apart with a hastily-inflated party balloon. Even the kitchen can occasionally save the day (or the night). A housewife describes it:
"Well, I told Joe he was running low on protectors but he didn't believe me. We were in bed last night and all set to make love. He opened the drawer on the bedside table—that's where he keeps them—and all he had was an empty box. I wasn't going to be let down again! I got up, went to the kitchen and started looking around. The first thing I saw was a box of Saran Wrap. Well, I tore some off, got Joe to wrap it around his organ and we went right ahead. In the ads it says, 'Keeps things from spoiling!' Well, it worked—it kept Joe from spoiling my evening!"

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As per usual, I'm so overcome with confusion and terror by Dr. Reuben's thought process that I don't even know where to begin. So let's just pick a point and jump in, shall we?

1.) First and foremost, I love that I sat down, opened the book and landed on this Q&A. This book, if nothing else, is consistently ass-backwards and hilarious. It's the one thing in this world I can always count on.

2.) I fully expected the next question to be, "But makeshift condoms don't protect from STDs or unwanted pregnancies, do they?" or something, but it wasn't. Instead he goes on to talk about operations for birth control. This means that it is Dr. Reuben's honest medical opinion that if you can't manage to convince your husband that he's out of condoms, just wrap the nearest semi-translucent material you can find around his cock, secure it with a scrunchie and you're in like Flynn!

3.) Which means, according to Dr. Reuben's flawless logic, that homosexuality makes about as much sense as a donkey playing poker but sperm don't stand a chance against the extreme barrier that is a loose sandwich baggie and a pair of crossed fingers? Fabulous. I want to live in this man's world.

4.) I now exclusively refer to condoms as "protectors" and penises as "organs." So if anyone would like to put on a protector and slip me their organ; I'm open for business.

5.) "Those plastic bags they wrap the drinking glasses in give some protection."
Well that's a liberal statement if I've ever heard one. Because those plastic bags offer the same amount of protection that hiding under your desk during a nuclear attack offers: none.

6.) "They may be a little wide and a little short"
God willing.

7.) "After an evening's celebration, many a couple has kept sperm and egg apart with a hastily-inflated party balloon."
First of all, no couple has kept sperm and egg apart with a hastily-inflated party balloon. Let's just get that clear right off the bat. Secondly, why are you hastily inflating the balloon? If we, as a team, are so dedicated to using "protection" that you're willing to inflate a party balloon over your dick and I'm willing to get fucked by it, I'd like to think we'd want to take our time and make sure there are no tears or breaks in it, thank you very much. Finally, if I were the gentleman in this situation, I'd imagine any pleasure derived from the sensation of making love to my wife would be immediately canceled out by the sensation of the rubber band from a balloon being around my dick. Because Lord knows it was not made for penises—it was made for constricting air-flow completely to keep a fucking balloon inflated. But then again, I'm not a doctor so what do I know?

8.) Dr. Reuben loves a good first-person account almost as much as I love a Zack Morris time out.

9.) Why doesn't Joe believe his wife when she tells him he's out of protectors? Why would she lie about that? Is she stockpiling condoms to resell and make a buck off of? Because if so, that's a smart woman right there and I'd knock her up and tie her down as soon as humanly possible. Fuck the Saran Wrap. And speaking of the Saran Wrap! Call me reckless, but if it's between Saran Wrap or Pull & Pray—I'm going Pull & Pray every time. They're both equally as effective and one is just genuinely more comfortable for all parties involved.

10.) "I wasn't going to be let down again!"
Oh Joe...not only can't you keep a box of condoms adequately stocked, you can't even satisfy your wife. And now she's gone and blabbed about it to Dr. Reuben! And it's 1969! If I were you, I'd take the Saran Wrap off my dick, wrap it around my head and suffocate myself immediately.

Welp...HAPPY HOLIDAYS DR. REUBEN!