Taking a Trip Down ADD/ADHD Lane

First and foremost— Wolfen: 2 severed thumbs up.



Do yourself a favor and Netflix it before Halloween. Plus! It has an unbelievable ratio of male to female full-frontal nudity. Specifically, a shit ton to none. So, I'm sorry and/or you're welcome. Mostly, you're welcome.

In other news, I started writing a blog post this morning at approximately 9:15 about some..."Unpleasantness," shall we say, that occurred last week at hot yoga when I got distracted by a stack of improperly folded pamphlets sitting on my desk. Boss #2 let me leave a little early last Friday as long as I printed 50 sales pamphlets and folded them before I left. Obviously wanting to get the fuck up out of here as soon as humanly possible, I folded them a bit haphazardly. In the harsh light of Monday morning, however, I found my sloppy level of folding to be completely unacceptable. I decided I couldn't concentrate on blogging until I printed 50 new pamphlets and folded them properly. Mid re-folding, I remembered a dream I had last night in which Allison (of looks like Boss #1 minus 20 years fame) made a hee-larious cameo. I decided I couldn't concentrate on my re-folding duties until I emailed Allison about my dream. Three minutes later, I abandoned that email to Wikipedia Hall & Oates. Why? I don't really know. I've had "Private Eyes" stuck in my head all morning and it just felt like the right thing to do. This obviously led to a long string of Wikipedia article hopping and two hours later, I realized I have a stack of 50 unfolded pamphlets, a half-written email and no blog post to show for my morning. (But an impressive new knowledge of Hall & Oates!)

This gots me a-thinkin'...I genuinely think I have ADD and/or it's hyper-active cousin ADHD. And truthfully, I've always thought this. I remember confronting my mom in high school that I thought I had ADD and she was like, "Well. If you're that concerned, just go get tested" and I was all, "FINE! MAYBE I WILL!" and then got distracted by the crinkling noise of a plastic bag and never did anything about it. Ever. So here we are, six years later, and I'm still undiagnosed. But! This morning I took a break from Wikipedia-hopping and found an online Adult ADHD Screening Quiz! I enjoyed taking this quiz because it felt like a "Remember When..." flashback episode of a sitcom. Almost every question reminded me of a blog post. Check it out:

1. Do you have a sense of underachievement, of not meeting your goals, regardless of how much you have actually accomplished?

[I mean, my sense of underachievement is sort of the cornerstone of this entire blog. Just insert any given blog post here.]

2. I find it difficult to read written material unless it is very interesting or very easy.

[I swear to god, I couldn't even get through reading the intro of this test. I made it to "This is a screening examination for adult ADD. It is not a diagnostic test. Scores over 70 are associated with..." gave up and proceeded directly to the test.]

3. Especially in groups, I find it hard to stay focused on what is being said in conversations.

"Even when I'm out with friends, I find myself zoning out and quietly getting worked up thinking about this shit to the point of randomly exploding with, "I'M GONNA DIE ALONE IN AN OFFICE CHAIR AND THE MOST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP I HAVE IS WITH THE FEDEX GUY AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!!!!!" Which usually has nothing to do with the conversation going on around me. So that's awkward."

— "Best. Idea. Ever?" 5/28/09

4. I have a quick temper...a short fuse.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD. I FUCKING HATE THE INTERNET AND I HATE MY COMPUTER AND I HATE BOSS #2 AND THERE'S A PINCHED NERVE IN MY NECK THAT I JUST EXACERBATED WITH ALL OF THE CRAWLING AROUND ON MY HANDS AND KNEES I JUST DID TO REPEATEDLY PLUG AND UNPLUG MY COMPUTER 5,000 TIMES TO TRY TO FIX THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT 1991 DELL COMPUTER THAT I'VE BEEN GRACED WITH AND TECH PEOPLE ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE SECOND ONLY TO BOSS #2 AND HERE'S YOUR GOD DAMN DRINKING GAME. FINALLY. SIX FUCKING HOURS LATER. AND YES I DID FORGET TO TAKE MY MEDS THIS MORNING, AS I HAVE FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS AND YES RAGE IS A SIDE EFFECT OF WITHDRAWAL, AND YES THIS DOES EXPLAIN WHY I'M OVERREACTING AND TYPING IN CAPS BUT WHATEVS. OK? GOOD. LET'S MOVE ON. HERE. DRINK."

— "Drinking Game Friday Remembers John Hughes" 8/07/2009

6. I say things without thinking, and later regret having said them.

"I awkwardly outed Andrew to our entire comm class today. We were sitting in class at the conference table and Andrew informed everyone that the British Navy is apparently trying to recruit gay men. So I slapped Andrew on the back and said, "HAHA! Looks like you're going to sea Andrew!" He was not thrilled."

— "An Anotated Anthology of Award" 1/08/2009

7. I make quick decisions without thinking enough about their possible bad results.

"And then I smoked a blunt with my newfound thugalicious friends. Soon my friends caught up and we boarded our subway home. It turns out that copious amounts of various alcohols, found drugs, and a rocking subway car do not make for a good time. It was at Smith and 9th street that I calmly exited the train and threw up in a well-placed trashcan. Thank you MTA."

— "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" 12/13/2007

8. My relationships with people are made difficult by my tendency to talk first and think later.

"Well I'll make sure to wipe my mouth as I walk out."

That was my response. And WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

Why!?!?! Of all the things I could have said, WHY did I have to go with that?! I turned our innocent little game of office flirting into a hardcore pornographic awkward-fest. The second the words flew out of my mouth, I looked horrified. Disgusted and horrified. With my own actions. I couldn't believe I had just said that. I still can't believe I said that. I wonder if that's grounds for a sexual harassment suit. I'm going to be the first woman in history to have a construction worker sue her for sexual harassment."

— "Let's give 'em something to talk about..." 9/10/2009

9. My moods have highs and lows.

"Goin' through some shit. No post today. Turtle Rapes Shoe time."

— "That time I was too coked out to post" 9/28/2009

vs.

"Guess who's in an oddly good mood this morning? THIS GIRL! Why? BECAUSE IT'S OFFICIALLY PRE-HALLOWEEN SEASON! And we all know that Halloween is my FAVORITE HOLIDAY EVER!!!!1"

— "Check out the yabos on Drinking Game Friday..." 10/16/2009

10. I have trouble planning in what order to do a series of tasks or activities.

"This obviously led to a long string of Wikipedia article hopping and two hours later, I realized I have a stack of 50 unfolded pamphlets, a half-written email and no blog post to show for my morning. (But an impressive new knowledge of Hall & Oates!)"

— "Taking a Trip Down ADD/ADHD Lane" 10/19/2009

11. I easily become upset.

"I also had no idea I felt so passionately about Jon Heder. After my co-worker asked what's wrong I sort of just made inaudible moaning noises for a while before getting out, 'JON HEDER DIED IN A DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT! I THOUGHT HE WAS A MORMON!'"

— "Not so newsworthy BBC Wednesdays?" 10/15/2008

12. I seem to be thin skinned and many things upset me.

JKreids: Um Meg, you're starting to sound like a MEEK...
2birds1blog: You shut your whorish mouth. My love of Buffy is hip and ironic and I vowed to stop being mean to my co-workers. And I'm attractive. And I get regular haircuts.

— 10/16/09's Comment Board

13. I almost always am on the go.

[HAHAHAHAHA!...God no.]

"My office is located equidistant between a Caribou Coffee and a Starbucks, both being about two blocks away. I realize that doesn't sound like that far, but when you're right in the middle of a crucial episode of Dynasty and you're kind of sleepy and it's anyone's guess who stole Crystal's baby, it might as well be a mile away. Normally when I get "coffee lazy," I just complain to a few people via gchat, feel sorry for myself for a little bit and then work up the adrenaline needed to get up and walk the two blocks to Starbucks. And then everything's fine. Yesterday, however, was a horse of a different color."

— "The Craigslist Coffee Challenge" 7/30/2009

14. I am more comfortable when moving than when sitting still.

[Ok, so maybe "hyperactive" doesn't quite describe me...]

"And I will gladly be the fat kid who says out loud that I would rather move out of this city than have to wheeze my way up and down stopped metro stairs day in and day out just because Kriston Capps think it would make the city healthier. Because who are you, Mr. Capps, to decide how to make people healthier? You're like that office manager who only stocks the fridge with water because soda rots your teeth and wastes calories. I'm a grown-ass woman. Let me make my own health choices. If you health-rape me, I will blow my whistle."

— "First Ever Smug Pug Award!" 9/01/009

15. In conversations, I start to answer questions before the questions have been fully asked.

[Why did I have to read that question like 20 times for it to make sense?]

16. I usually work on more than one project at a time, and fail to finish many of them.

See: Drunken Monument Ghost Tour
See: Badminton League
See: J-Date Debate
See: I Need An Old Priest and a Young Priest: Psychic Healing in our Nation's Capitol
See: 50,000 people I've promised stickers to in the past month

17. There is a lot of "static" or "chatter" in my head.

"You know how certain people with Autism are “Idiot Savants” and are somewhat inept but can do one thing really well, a la Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man? What if there was an Idiot Savant who excelled in having sex? Like, he was just dynamite in the sack. Could that ever happen? Only Helena has ever been receptively helpful to this honest-to-God question I have. Everyone else struggles to get beyond how inappropriate and slightly offensive it is to realize that once you think about it, it’s sort of perplexing…right?"

— Random Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entires 11/18/2008

18. Even when sitting quietly, I am usually moving my hands or feet.

"I went to hot yoga Tuesday night. And despite my burning hatred of physically moving my body, being hot and sweating—I loved it! I know, I was just as shocked as you!"

— "TALOL & Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries" 9/24/2009

19. In group activities it is hard for me to wait my turn.

"I stood there defeated. I turned around to see a group of thugs staring back at me. “Some dumb bitch punched me and I was trying to catch her so I can beat her ass in!” I explained to the head hood. I was met with sympathetic “Shit girl”s. They turned out to be really cool people! They informed me I had a “runny mascara situation” where I had been hit and I sassily told them not to worry about it. Then one of the thugs looked at me and said, “So we gonna smoke this blunt or not?” to which I said, “Spark that shit up! Pass that shit to me!” to which he said, “SHIT GIRL, there’s an established circle, you new to the crew, wait yo turn!” to which I said “Well then hurry up and light that shit!”

— "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" 12/13/2007

20. My mind gets so cluttered that it is hard for it to function.

"I'm one of those people where if one aspect of my life is going downhill (i.e. work...in a big way) then everything else seems like it's going downhill too and I just sit here all day thinking about how everything is spiraling out of control and there's nothing I can do about it except turn off the lights, put on The Smith's Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want and dramatically writhe, writhe, writhe, check my email, writhe, writhe, change into comfy pants, writhe. You know. I'm That Guy."

— "I was Accidentally Racist: Asian Edition!" 10/6/2009

21. My thoughts bounce around as if my mind is a pinball machine.

"For example, the other night I was in an elevator with a guy and when he got off at his floor he turned around and said, "Have a great night." I'm never prepared for this. It's just so polite. I mean, we weren't talking and I don't know you. But that's really nice. So then my inner monologue starts dissecting this act of kindness: "Oh shit, is he talking to me? Of course he's talking to me, I'm the only person in the elevator. Wow, what a nice and awkward thing to do. Is he trying to get in my pants? Would I let him? Is he Lebanese or just really tan? Either way that's hot right? FUCK! SAY SOMETHING BACK!" And then I manage to make out a soft "Your too. I mean you. Night. Ha." just as the doors have closed. This happens to me more than you would expect. And I'm sufficiently awkward about it each time."

— "Inner Monologue Time!" 12/14/2008

22. My brain feels as if it is a television set with all the channels going at once.

"This morning in Gender in Society, we were discussing "The Glass Escalator" which is when men enter "women's fields" like teaching and get promoted quickly to administrative positions because they are men...patriarchy...matrix of domination...blah blah blah. Anyway, all I could think of was Mr. Feeny from "Boy Meets World" and how he was first their middle school teacher and then followed them to high school and finally was promoted to became a college professor. Mr. Feeny like owned the Glass Escalator. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how hot Eric Mathews was. And how comical Rider Strong's name is, and how odd it is that he's gay. Who knew?! Then I realized why I have an A in the class and a D in participation. So when I was walking to Art of the Renaissance, I was still thinking about my Mr. Feeny-Glass-Escalator-Theory and blatantly tripped and fell flat on my face in the quad, producing a giant cut on my leg, which was bleeding during class. So there I am, bleeding-out in the middle of class trying to take notes and maintain consciousness. Why is my life so awkward?"

— "An Annotated Anthology of Awkward" 1/08/2009

23. I am unable to stop daydreaming.

"I have a gym crush by the way. Tee hee ha ha hee hee hooo...He's a giant dreamy dream boat that I just want to sail away on. His name is Kyle. (In my mind. Clearly, I've never talked to him, nor do I have plans to ever talk to him. Because that would just be crazy.) Kyle is a veterinarian for sick and lonely pugs, owns his own row house on Capitol Hill and moonlights as a cage fighter. He's the best."

— "Drinking Game Friday Remembers John Hughes" 8/07/2009

24. I am distressed by the disorganized way my brain works.

"I pay a therapist $200 a session, two sessions a month, and 3/4 of our session is spent with me awkwardly looking around the office desperately trying to think of something to talk about. However get me in the back of a cab and I open up like I’ve just taken a truth serum. My life is just one incredibly un-sexy episode of "Taxi Cab Confessions." One time I was talking to a cabbie about his native Barbados and he told me that he thought I would like life there better than New York because it was laid-back, like me. I actually told him, and I quote, that I “indeed have the soul of an islander.” First of all, who the fuck says that? And secondly, just on a factual level, I actually don’t have the soul of an islander; I’m kind of neurotic and high-strung. I don’t know why I adopt this Jimmy Buffet, open-book persona with cabbies, but I appreciate our time together. It’s less expensive than therapy and pine-scented."

— "You. You reading this. You look amazing today." 12/08/2008

Final Score:


I KNEW IT. So I just print out this post, take it to CVS and get some Ritalin, right?