Recrap Wednesday is back!...And a day late. But more importantly, back!

Another year, another season of me half-heartedly watching The City and recrapping it for your recrapping enjoyment. And rejoice, because this season Whitney is back with a vengeance a Xanax. Seriously, homegirl’s first voiceover sounded like she hasn’t slept since the Cold War. Come on, Whit! You got rid of that greasy Australian mongrel! You got a bangin’ new apartment! And you’re back under the tutelage of Kelly Cutrone! Liven up!

Anywhoodle, much has changed in the choreographed world of Whitney Port, including the loss of my nearest and dearest, Erin Lucas. Pour out a shot of Cuervo for my homegirl. Those will be incredibly hard shoes to fill, and I doubt whether Allie or Samantha can don half as many berets or rip as many shots of tequila as our dearly departed Erin. (Yes, Allie and Samatha are still around, although they only appeared for nanosecond this past week, to inquire “Who are these people?” More on that later.)

So since Whit has moved on from DVF, we’re obviously going to need new drama. And as luck would have it, an “old friend” (big wink!) of Whitney’s, Roxy, just “happens” (double wink!) to move to NYC. And isn’t it the darnedest of coincidences that she needs a job and place to stay?

First and foremost, her name is Roxy. Your name is Roxy if: you own a small chain of food stores in the Greater Boston area (and even then it’s spelled Roxie), you appear in the musical Chicago (still –ie), or you’re currently dancing on the center stage to “Paradise City.” Or you own Roxy Clothingline. Seriously, Roxy? Why not just call yourself WeatherVane. Or The Limited Too. But if you insist…

Roxy, shows up to her this-is-real-no-seriously-really-real interview with Kelly Cutrone wearing all black and SEVERE red lipstick, looking like a hardcore backup dancer from the Addicted to Love music video. I think she said she took Unprofessional 101 in college. To make matters worse, her interview basically just consists of her complaining and being kind of a general bitch. I mean, I get you’re the new badass in town, but is a job interview really the right forum to announce that to us? Apparently it is, because Kelly Cutrone eats that shit up, even when Roxy makes some snide remarks about Whitney. No matter.

Likewise, our own socialite, Olivia, appears to have been shopping around for a new job. No sense in staying at DVF without Whitney to push around. MTV gets Olivia a job Olivia, having impressed Joe Zee so much, is offered a job at Elle. Just so you know this interview is real, MTV throws in a shot of Olivia’s resume. Within two seconds of arriving at Elle, Olivia is hired and is meeting her new boss(?). My confusion arises because Olivia is offered the job of Accessories Editor, and then suddenly, Joe Zee is all “ZOMG, you NEED to meet Erin, she will be working closely with you and you’ll love her!” or something like that. And then here comes Erin, the Public Relations Manager. Hold the phone, what does Accessories have to do with Public Relations? I’ll admit, I’ve never worked at a magazine (see I’m a bigger person than you are, Olivia), so I really haven’t any clue. But this just seems like MTV auditioned any employee of Elle Magazine to see who could be the bitchiest. Then gave them a tight-fitting black dress, an angled bitch haircut (see Tabitha of Shear Genius fame), and an empowering song to strut down the hallway to. Blanyway, more on that in just a sec.

Back to L.E.I., I mean Roxy. Somehow, in the course of brunch with Whitney, the two go from catching up “I haven’t seen you in so long!” to being roommates faster than you can say “Roxy, look into colors.” This all happens because Mudd Jeans flatout asks Whitney “Can I sleep on your couch?” Talk about balls. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week we find out Roxy is a post-op tranny. In case you were wondering, Whitney obviously caves and agrees to let Roxy stay. No one is surprised when Roxy ends up throwing a huge party, even after Whitney explicitly warned her against this. But Roxy just wants to have fun/wants more guys around who aren’t wearing offensive red shorts/wants to drink more jungle juice. Unfortunately for both Roxy and Whitney, the cops show up because Manhattan is just like college. On the plus side, Whitney tells Roxy that she got the job at People’s Revolution.

While Whit and Roxy are becoming BFF to the max power over a tour of Whit’s apartment/roof deck, Erin and Olivia are duking it out over Olivia’s first assignment: find two outfits for the everyday woman to wear for under $75 and $25, respectively. Fact: getting a socialite to stay under budget is never going to happen, especially when that budget is $25. And when that socialite is Olivia Palermo/dumb as a box of rocks. Erin is appalled, though not surprised, that Olivia cannot perform the simplest of tasks, and the first fight of the season ensues. In my notes, I wrote “Fake?” but the way Olivia storms off and pulls her microphone off makes me think that maybe people stopped being polite and started getting real. When the two present the outfits on the Morning Show, Anne Slowey, Elle’s poor man’s Anna Wintour, makes a crack about dressing the everywoman and not dressing oneself. Cut to Olivia slinking away in some terrible, over-sized formal shorts.

So there it is. Episode one. Will Roxy and Whitney reach an agreement or will Whitney eventually brain Roxy with her bedazzled potted plant? Will Olivia and Erin ever become friends and rule the offices of Elle with their dual bitchery, or will Olivia call Nevan up and cry for hours because she’s no longer the big fish in a little pond? Will Kelly Cutrone wear a color other than black? Who will drink tequila with me? All these questions and more this season on The Shitty.