Recrap Thursday got the Clamp

This past Tuesday’s episode of The City was the ultimate cocktease. If you are going to title an episode “Working Girls,” at least have the decency to showcase one or two hookers. Putting Olivia in a leather get-up and sending her to Canal Street just isn’t going to cut it. Besides, the fear in Olivia’s face would never fly in the dog-eat-dog world of Chinatown prostitutes.

If you are at all interested in what actually happened this week, then in short: Olivia was given another assignment by Erin, who is still somehow her boss. Obviously she half-asses the jobs and then tells anyone who will listen how it was impossible to do. I even believe she told Erin again that she could do it herself if she was unsatisfied. (Olivia’s gotta suck in bed. If you don’t like the way she doesn’t get you off, then you can just do it yourself, because she’s done.) Meanwhile, on Roxy’s first day of work, she and Whitney have a photoshoot with Kelly. Whitney biffs it by forgetting clamps to make size 00 jeans even more form fitting, whereas Roxy takes initiative to go over Kelly’s head and make a suggestion to the client about the final look. Kelly then proceeds to confusingly compliment and chew them both out the next day. Of lesser importance, Whitney’s friend Samantha from last season shows up briefly and she has gotten both a new nose and a personality. Weird!

But enough about the actual events of last night, let’s re-examine this episode and see what the characters were really trying to say. I give you:

The Shitty

[Scene 1: Elle Magazine]

Joe Zee: So how has Olivia been doing? ::wink::

Erin: Oh come on Joe, you can’t be that dumb. You know that she doesn’t know her ass from her elbow when it comes to actually working. Why is she even here? And are you having a stroke?

Joe Zee: No, I’m just saying ::wink:: that I’m in no way contractually obligated ::wink:: to support Olivia’s presence here. ::wink:: Just give her another shot.

Erin: Are you being serious? Another shot? She basically told me to do the job myself. Is that something you think is acceptable for your first day on the job? And quit it with the winking, everyone watching this knows that you in no way believe in Olivia.

[Scene 2: People’s Revolution]

[Whitney and other PR employees are dutifully at work, when Roxy comes in for her first day.]

Roxy: Hey girl! What’s up! Whoa, what is this weird 80’s, long-sleeve shoulder padded, shirted one piece outfit you are wearing, Whit?

Whit: ….Hey Roxy. Are you being serious? It’s your first day and you’re already late. That is not going to fly here. Kelly expects a lot from us, so you better recognize.

Roxy: So we’re just pretending your outfit isn’t hideous? Fine, I can play that game. And as far as Kelly Cutrone is concerned, she’s a pussycat. Me, on the other hand, I’m going to shake this place up. Watch as I loudly announce my presence to the girl sitting no more than 5 feet away from us and can hear this whole conversation. Hey you! You there! I’m Roxy! Oh, you’re name is Michelle? Whit, her name is Michelle! How trite!

[Kelly Cutrone enters wearing all black]

Roxy: Hey Kelly, sweet Grim Reaper costume, but you need one of those hook things.

Kelly: What did you just say to me?

Roxy: I’m psyched to be working here.

Kelly: Yea whatever, we’ve got a photo shoot coming up. Clamps clamps clamps. Clamps. Oh did I mention you should bring clamps? And new girl, take my car to the shoot. I don’t know you to long to have any sort of trust in you, but this seems sensible to me. Clamps.

[Scene 3: Elle]

Joe Zee: Any ideas what we can do to impress Posh Spice?

Olivia: Oh I have an idea. There’s this great vintage store I shop at, which totally means Posh would love it, I can check it out and..

Joe: No.

Olivia: But wait, what if…

Joe: No, I don’t think so.

Olivia: But...

Joe: Olivia, we’ve already established you can’t past the end of your surgically altered nose, so your ideas just aren’t any good, even though that idea wasn’t half bad. Now I think Erin has another task for you. Don’t screw this one up. ::wink::

Olivia: Did you just wink at someone?

Erin: He’s been doing that. Anyway, I’m going to need you to go get a bunch of accessories for this segment. We need to show everyone that buying knockoffs is a crime. A crime against fashion AND humanity. So if you could scamper down to Canal Street and…

Olivia: (barely disguised fear in her voice) Canal Street? I…I…well, I live near there and I know that it’s closed down a lot and I just don’t….

Erin: No, I think you’ll be ok. Just do it. And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Olivia: (aside) Oh god, I’m so scared.

[Scene 4: PR photo shoot]

Kelly: Oh good, you guys made it…20 minutes late. Why bother showing up at all? Tell me you at least brought the clamps.

[Whitney looks at ground and kicks can]

Kelly: Well great. Look at that model. She is like a toothpick, and those skintight jeans are far too baggy. This shoot is ruined. You know what Whitney, for your general incompetence, just stand there with this reflector and look discouraged. And if you try and say anything I’m only going to mention the clamps.

(5 mins later)

Whit: The jeans look great!

Kelly: Whitney. Clamps. Zip it.

Roxy: Hey Whit, I feel like having been on the job as long as I have, I have the right to dictate photo shoots. I mean if Jay Manuel can do it, it can’t be that hard, right?

Whitney: I don’t know about this…just make sure you clear this with Kelly.

Roxy: Yea, and I’ll ask her if I can use the bathroom and chew my food and all of that. Give me a break. Hey important guy! Take her top off, it’d be so much better.

Kelly: Pardon? What’s this idea? (If looks could kill, Kelly gives Roxy the facial equivalent of a push off the Empire State Building) Yea, good idea on my photo shoot.

[Scene 5: Canal Street]

I really cannot improve on this scene any more than it already was. If you want to see what someone looks like doing a drug deal for the first time, but instead of drugs, she is buying knockoff designer handbags, then you must watch the original of this scene. Basically it consists of Olivia encountering a handbag salesman singing an ethnic hymn listing all of the handbags he has. She then urgently says cliché drug deal things like “Walk with me!” “Cross the street!” “Stop! One at a time!” all the while looking over her shoulder for the police to arrest her slumming ass.

[Scene 6: PR]

[Once again, Roxy strolls in after everyone else is there.]

Roxy: Whattup playas? Whit, when did you leave, I didn’t hear you.

Whit: Roxy, it’s almost noon. I left for work at 8:30 like normal people do. Are you being serious right now? And by the way, just because Kelly was “cool” yesterday, get ready for a shitstorm today.

Roxy: Come on, Whit! Really? I told you! She’s a pussycat!

[Enter Kelly]

Kelly: Alright listen up you two stupid bitches. Whitney, I told you to bring the fucking clamps so much that now I can’t even hear the word clamp anymore, and you forgot them. Do you know how fucking bad that makes me look? And Roxy, you harlot, it’s my shoot, my client, so run your ideas by me. Good idea. But I’m the Mama Wolf around here, and if you act up, I will literally eat you. That's what wolves do in the wild. And fashion is a wild industry. But good job.

Whit: What the…

Roxy: Told you. Pussycat.

[Scene 7: Elle]

Erin: You’re kidding right? How did you manage to fuck this up again? There’s literally nothing here but handbags.

Olivia: But look at these handbags! They are awesome! Plus there wasn’t really anything there. I found the only handbags and watches and rings in Chinatown. Everything else down there was crap.

Erin: Of course it’s crap, that’s the point of this segment. To show people how shitty knockoffs are. Are you really that stupid?

Olivia: Well you can go do it yourself. I know that I certainly don’t shop with those plebes.

Erin: Joe! Are you hearing this?

Joe: Wow, I’m really impressed, this is all great.

Erin: Are you serious?!

Joe: Yea, I think for what you asked her to do, she did a mediocre job. ::wink::

Erin: I hope that really is a neurological disorder, you big queen. She sucks and you know it and when you finally admit it, I’m going to shove your words so far down your throat you’ll be shitting War and Peace.

Fin