Touched for the very first time...in a long time

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been all about nostalgia these days. First, it was a reminiscence of my days on AIM; next, I took a look back at Facebook through the years. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the most nerve-wracking period in my entire life thus far. Back when I was a virgin. Everyone remember those days? When you’d get a boner (or lady-boner) from watching paint dry. Or you masturbated so much your hand started to chafe? No? Only me out there? Please, don’t act like you didn’t dry hump any and every inanimate object in your room. Or take 30-minute showers and tell your parents you just wanted to make sure you were “really clean”. We all did it. A lot. It’s an awkward time for everyone, knowing what sex is and being equal parts terrified and excited by it. Which is probably part of why tearing your V-card up has always been so hyped up.

Anyone who tells you they weren’t nervous when they lost their virginity is either lying through their teeth or had gotten themselves way drunk specifically so they wouldn’t be nervous. I fall into the first category but it was nothing remarkable. After hooking up with this guy pretty heavily the summer before senior year of high school, we eventually reached that point where I was just like “So are we doing this or what?” It sounds like I was cool, calm, and collected, but I was shaking more than a hairless Chihuahua in a bucket of ice. I know, cool, right? Anyway, turns out the answer was yes, but I was wholly unprepared, in fact, I believe flavored condoms were used as well as some hand lotion I had kicking around my room. To this day, the smell of eucalyptus and melon always brings me back to that afternoon. Ah, memories.

But, unlike Pringles, once you pop sexually, sometimes the fun does stop. For a really long time. Or maybe it just feels like a really long time. Either way, you’re not getting any and suddenly you revert to your adolescent self. Re-virginization, if you will, which might sound a little crazy, but hear me out. Obviously, I’m not talking physically (for you ladies), because that hymen is not coming back without expensive plastic surgery. But after not having sex for…I’d put it at about six months…you start regressing to your previous virgin mindset.

Remember back in the day, when all your friends started to lose their virginity and you were there wondering “When is this going to happen to me? Am I that much of a loser? Am I going to be a virgin forever?” (Unless you were the first of your friends to do it, in which case, you’re a filthy slut.) Well, as your drought wears on, the same familiar thoughts start crossing through you mind. Maybe just a bit more bitterness, as now you have pubic hair. But you laugh along when friends tell you stories of their sexual escapades, like you have a doozie to contribute, and when it’s your turn to share, you conveniently have to go to the bathroom. Word of advice: when you are in the middle of a drought period, never play “Never Have I Ever.”

Just like your adolescent self, who found anyone with a pulse and a full set of teeth attractive, re-virgins also start finding even the most repulsive people sexually attractive. Got a mullet? No big deal, just don’t hit it from the back. Wonky-eye? Only do it from the back. We have an uncanny ability to rationalize any person who walks past as attractive when we are hard up for some sexy fun times. You know you’ve got it REAL bad when gender stops being an issue and you’re thinking of playing for the other team just to get some. After years of being a virgin, how many of you have said, either to yourself or aloud, “I will sleep with the next person who looks at me. I just want to get this over with.” Likewise, the longer a drought wears on, the lower your standards get, until before you know it, you’ve popped your cherry with your friendly, local 7-11 clerk in the back room on his 15-minute break.

In a similar vein, flicking your own bean is only exciting for approximately 30 seconds, and that’s when you’re oh-facing. I think everyone can agree that it’s just so damned boring to get yourself off day in and day out. No, sitting on one hand until it goes numb or using your left hand doesn’t cut it, it’s still just a one-man show. But when you aren’t knee deep in sexual partners, you are kind of out of options. So you start doing things to make masturbating just a little more exciting. Maybe you keep one sock on (fact: I knew a guy who admitted to this in college. Beer + Truth or Dare = hilarity), or maybe you keep all your clothes on. You could jerk it in different locations: your bed, the shower, in the kitchen, the bathroom at work, at your desk at work, the grocery store, waiting for the subway, in jail because you probably got arrested jerking off in so many public places. Or you could introduce new sex toys into your repertoire. Deep thought: why, when people are too cheap/embarrassed to go out and purchase a sex toy, do they always turn to fruits and vegetables? I’ve never once looked at a watermelon and though “Damn, I cannot wait to take that home and bang it.” Either way, you start trying to jazz up the act of self-love, but it will still always be like tofu when you really want a filet mignon.

But the worst part about becoming a re-virgin is all of the anxiety you have when your hypothetical cherry is popped again. If anyone tell you “Oh, don’t worry. It’s just like riding a bike,” a) what weird ass bike did they ride as a child? and b) there is pretty much one way to ride a bike, but there are eleventy-billion ways to be good and/or bad in bed. So the first thing you’re probably thinking when the clothes come off is “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! HOORAY!!” but also “Damn, I hope I remember how to do everything.” And then you get down to it and you’re thinking “This is a pretty big moment for me. Can we put on some soft music? Maybe light some candles? Melon and eucalyptus if you have them.” And while you’re definitely enjoying things, a little piece of you is thinking “God, I hope I’m not horrible at this. I hope they don’t go back to their friends and tell them what a horrible lay I am. Am I doing that right? Does that feel good for them? This is too much pressure!” And then you realize what you realized the first time you lost your virginity: sex really isn’t that terrifying. In fact, it’s kind of awesome. And you want to do this as much as possible for the rest of your life. But like all good things, your new sex life is probably going to come to an end a lot sooner than you would hope. Thus, you’re well on your way to re-re-virginization. (For further discussion of that topic, please reread this blog post.)