Recrap Wednesday: Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin. Still half-true.

(It's really vital to me that you play the provided musical accompaniment while reading this recap. I promise it'll enrich the experience exponentially. Kthnx.)

Last night's episode of More to Love wasn't just any old waffle-lovin' episode of More to Love. Nope. It was...

OHHHHHH YEEEEAHHHH!!!!11

Actually, the location change didn't really affect the episode that much. It was still your standard munchie-filled, PolyBlend, bottle-groin-popping, yacht-cruising, cry-fest. Everyone was just slightly more sweaty than usual.

Our ladies arrive on the Big Island (BHAHAHA, GET IT?! BIG ISLAND?) and meet Luke at a luau where they each get leid. For what I can only assume is the first time. Luke informs the girls that this will be their last group date and each girl will then get to go on a nice, long juicy date with him. It's at this point that that I have an epiphany. This entire season, I've been trying to put my finger on who Mandy looks like. Originally I thought I'd nailed it down with Huckleberry Hound, but I was wrong. Well, no, I was right, she does have the same sad, down-turned eyes and ric-rac skimmer, but more specifically, she also looks like a poor man's Maggie Gyllenhaall:

And thus, I shall call her Mandy Gyllenhog.

Luke goes on his first one-on-one date with with ex-skinny-girl Malissa. Their date was what I call a "boomerang date." Every time it got boring and I started to zone out, Malissa would say something ridiculous and my attention would boomerang right back to the show. Luke takes Malissa to a Sea Life Park where they hold hands and coo at penguins and blah blah blah my interest starts to dwindle until Malissa says, "You trying to make out or what?" Upon hearing this, my head (which had begun to doze off) snapped right back up just in time to see them kiss. Huh? Did she really say you trying to make out or what? If so, that's fucking ballsy of her and frankly, I respect the hell out of her. Romance is all good and fun, but sometimes a bro can take a little too long to bust a move and you have to expedite the process a bit. I didn't come over at 11 o'clock at night to watch an entire disc of Entourage with you for the pithy dialogue, a-thank-you-very-much.

Anyho, Luke and Malissa make out a little, get in the water and ride some dolphins around. Again, I zoned out a bit until I heard Malissa tell Luke, "I'm surprised the dolphins can support us!" Aaaaaaand I zoned right back in. Excuse me, what was that? I guess this isn't a completely ridiculous statement considering this is the couple who's weight broke a tandem bicycle. God, what I wouldn't have given to see their fat asses break a dolphin into two equal pieces...

After their jaunty little day at the Sea Life Park, Luke and Malissa have themselves a picnic lunch and discuss the issue of marriage. Because as we've established, Luke needs two things in life—a sportive, yet masculine, sports bra and a wife. Malissa, however, is "still trying to figure it all out" which makes Luke scared that she's going to "mislead his intent," whatever the shit that means.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you. At this point in the show I got really antsy and bored, so I went into my closet to pick out an outfit to wear to work today. When I came back, More to Love was no longer on TV. Instead, Representative Steny Hoyer was on talking about God knows what. Because I'm not the crispiest fritter in the fryer, I thought More to Love had been interrupted by a national address or something and was totally bummed out. About a minute later, I realized I must have been sitting on the remote earlier and when I got up my ass accidentally changed the channel to C-SPAN. Sooooo...there's that.

Although I missed a chunk of this scene due to the unruliness of my own ass, here's what I caught: 1.) They go to a sushi restaurant and holy god do I want to go-Saki bombing. 2.) Luke tells Malissa that he feels like he could propose to her and Malissa says they're "on the same page." 3.) They go back to Luke's room and totally DO IT, prompting me to amend my earlier statement: holy god do I want to go Saki-bombing holy god do I want to go Saki-bombing and have sex and go Saki-bombing again.

The next day, Luke goes on a one-on-one date with The Tranny. The producers Luke plans an aquatic dream-date on an outrigger complete with snorkeling! And that's when the Tranny loses it. Why? Because water is her biggest fear. "I haven't been in the ocean since I was 12," she cries to Luke, "I just don't put myself in that kind of situation." And I call SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS A-PLENTY! Because The Tranny used to be in the god damn Navy. How can you say you don't put yourself in aquatic situations when you joined and served in the Navy?! That's like me saying I don't put myself in athletic situations and then I join a soccer team. (I can't decide which is more unlikely: me joining the Navy, or me joining a soccer team.)

But if there's anything Sarah Jessica Parker taught me in Failure to Launch, it's that the key to getting a guy to bond with you is to have him teach you something. And apparently The Tranny wasted an hour and a half of her life on this movie too. As Luke holds Tranny's hand and coaches her through the trauma of snorkeling, it's clear the two have bonded like Na to Cl. (...Did I just make a science joke? Who am I, Co-Blogger Chris?) Our gentleman head back to the outrigger for lunch and Luke tells The Tranny that he thinks this date was "life changing" and he can tell Tranny must really trust him to conquer her fears like that. And then they make out. Point to Sarah Jessica Parker.

AND THINGS WITH THE TRANNY ONLY GET BETTER! Later that night, Tranny shows up to dinner looking Dynasty-tastic! Everything about her look (from the ruffle-neck silk number to the gaudy crystal earrings to the dramatic makeup and high bun) screams Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan gone seducin' at the St. Dennis club. And Lord knows that's the quickest way to my heart!

Even the dialogue was pure Dynasty:
Tranny: "I'm falling for you...but you never said you were falling for me..." [Tranny looks down as her eyes well with tears]
Luke: [Dramatic pause] Look at me. [Tranny slowly looks back up and deep into Luke's eyes] I am falling for you. [Tranny gives a playful smile and the two lean in for a passionate kiss]

AND SCENE.

And like Malissa, The Tranny ends up getting the invitation to stay the night with Luke. Damn. You, madam, are good.

The next day, Luke goes on his last one-on-one date with Mandy Gyllenhog. Luke confesses he thinks Mandy is "still the most guarded," so it's important that she be herself and he figure out what's really going on in her head. Thus, they go ATV riding. Their entire date was like watching paint dry until they climb a case of wooden stairs and Luke says, "I hope we don't exceed the weight limit on these stairs." Um. Hi there. If my date ever verbally expresses concern that we, as a team, might exceed the weight limit of something, it better be a rickity-ass Indiana Jones style rope bridge that's one second away from snapping in half, not a solid set of wooden stairs. Don't make me bust out my salad fork again...

I'm not going to lie, the rest of the ATV date was pretty standard and boring, so I'll skip ahead to dinner. As per any other More to Love date, dinner took place on a twinkle-lit party boat called the Vida Mia. Luke and Mandy talked about their emotions (again) and it was terribly boring (again). Then, they move the party upstairs where there's basically a mattress thrown on the roof with a few candles lit around it. Apparently Vida Mia means Date Rape in Italian. Luke dusts off the used condoms and hypodermic needles and lays Mandy down on the mattress. "Do you see yourself getting married to me?" he asks Mandy. "Yes," she says confidentially. "Do you wanna stay out here with me tonight and enjoy the stars?" "Yes," she replies. Then Luke leans in, whispers "no regrets" and the camera fades out. Which is terribly confusing to me. Of all of the things to creepily whisper to the girl you got on the mattress atop your party boat, why "no regrets"? Not only are you implying this might not go so well, you're taking way the option of regretting it later. Next time I have sex with someone, I'm gonna climb on top and be like, "NO TAKE-BACKS!!!!!" and go to town.

But like all good things, our Hawaiian episode must come to an end. Luke has to eliminate one girl and MAN he's having a hard time deciding. This leads to lots of hilarious shots of Luke wistfully staring into the ocean, skipping stones and just generally doing a lot of soul searching. The Soul Searching Montage might be my second favorite montage behind the Dress Montage.

Given that the eliminations on this show never make any fuckin' sense, I predicted Luke would give Mandy the heave-ho, seeing how Mandy seems to be the most psyched about marriage. AND GOD DAMN I'M GOOD! Tali gets picked first, Malissa second and Mandy is outta there. Which, of course, is sad. The camera also spends way too much time in the limo with her afterwards filming her ramble and cry. I felt horribly uncomfortable and my ass starting to wonder what's on C-SPAN...

Cry Count: 4

Next Week: THE GRAND FINALE! Tranny and Malissa meet Luke's parents and Luke pops the question—BUT TO WHO?!