The Moustache Manifesto

Hey folks, it’s Becca, Meg's sister. She emailed me after her post on Thursday, alerting me to the fact that the public responded quite vocally to her mention of moustache season, and that response was a hearty "yes" and "please." I'm with you. But she herself doesn't understand the appeal so she's asked me to explain it to her, here on the blog.

One word & two letters: Magnum, P.I. Hot man, hot 'stache.

Does anyone watch Magnum P.I. on A&E?? It’s on at noon or something so I haven't watched it since college but back in the day I was a huge fan. Oh Tom Selleck. You. You and your tan and your bootie shorts and your huge luxurious 'stache. You solve crime, you live in Hawaii, and you look damn good doing it. I am not sure if Magnum P.I. started my obsession or just merely reawakened a feeling I didn't even know I had. A feeling of love towards the moustache. This is truly one of the great 'staches in the world of modern 'stache history. A landmark, if you will. Tom Selleck himself has always sported a spectacular 'stache and I like to think that he refused to play Magnum P.I. if they wouldn't let him keep it.

We didn’t know many moustaches growing up so I think that Meg maybe just suffers from a lack of exposure. Mr. Meehan the elementary school gym teacher had one (“down doobie doo, sorry about you” anyone?):

And so did our neighbor Ned. Ned’s moustache terrified Meghan. Literally, screaming crying anytime it came near her. She was probably under 5 at the time and I remember thinking “what's all the fuss about??” I believe the best answer she can come up with now is that it was “large and bristly and coming near her” which sounds so wrong on so many levels. And I know what you're all thinking, that the ‘stache is the common facial adornment of creepy child molesters, ergo …. But no. We just think she really didn’t like the moustache.

I think more people would like the ‘stache if they separated it from its bad reputation. Sure, rednecks have moustaches, child molesters have moustaches, the unibomber’s police sketch had a moustache, cops have moustaches—generally people you don’t want to mess with. But come on! Be open minded! Every character in every Western ever has a moustache. Tombstone alone has the following glorious moustaches: Kurt Russell; Val Kilmer; Bill Paxton; Sam Elliott; Powers Boothe; Jason Priestly; Thomas Haden Church. I mean wow—a shining team of attractive, non-molester moustache-bearers. Ditto for Lonesome Dove—even freakin’ Ricky Schroeder has a (sort of) moustache in that! I can think of nothing more harmless than Ricky Shroeder’s sweet pre-pubescent attempt at a moustache. I want to hug it.

Lets just address it—the ‘70s porn star aspect.

I get it. The image of a guy in nothing but gym socks and puffy hair with a moustache … sure. I totally get it. Ron Jeremy. Right. But isn’t there some kind of charm to that? Doesn’t that say “Hey ladies (or gentleman) I am here and I got a blow-out and I meticulously groomed my facial hair and I put on these clean gym socks all in an attempt to ravish you. And ravish you I will. Rarrrr!” Thanks for the effort, porn star. I can’t speak for the rest of world but I happen to like it when my sexual partners make efforts to look attractive and are into things like grooming.

As you all know I’ve hereby officially anointed “Moustache Season” – this season falls between Labor Day and Memorial Day. Official motto: “When the White Pants Go Away, the Moustaches Come Out to Play.” This started because I – as we’ve clearly established – like me some moustache. My bf was willing to oblige. To be fair he has a full beard. But he did shave it into a moustache for my birthday. True story. Anyway, he always said that it’s too warm for facial hair of any sort in the summer, hence the seasonality of the situation. Most guys will agree with this, though I think the full beard is a bit warmer than the solo moustache. I do not in any way want to discourage anyone from sporting the ‘stache year round. Please, by all means. The “no white pants after Labor Day” rule doesn’t apply in all situations (tropical locations, hospitals, Cheesecake Factory) therefore the moustache rule has its own exceptions and I encourage you to get creative.

Speaking of beards, I am also a fan of the beard. But I felt that beards get enough love (or at least not as much hate) so they don’t really need a season. If beards had a motto it would be “Beards—Widely Accepted Since 1864.” And a word about goatees—horrible. Seriously truly horrible. Commit, man—commit to the full beard or the moustache. This Comic Book Guy from Simpsons thing you have going on is not doing you any favors. We can still tell you’re fat. Sorry.

In summation, I leave you with this final thought: A moustache is like the hot sauce of the facial hair world—its always appropriate and it goes great with beer.

Yours in Moustachery,

-Becca