Boss #2 stopped by the office the other day briefly and asked me for a tampon. Which is completely normal. I said, "yep," gave her one, and that should have been the end of that transaction. BUT NO! She leans in and whispers, "Ugh man. I'm in such a way. I was driving up here and it was just like gushing and gushing out! You know when it's just like, gushing?" WOAH WOAH WOAH lady...first of all, please don't stand so close to me when you're talking about your gushing period. Second of all, thanks for ruining the word "gushing." And finally, apparently I haven't said it enough, but—I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!!!! Me knowing about the State of Your Vagina's Union will not increase my ability to do my job one single iota. In fact, it will probably make my job harder. As I now have to worry about not vomiting for the rest of the afternoon while thinking about The Gushing every time you walk by, a-thank you very much.
But, back to today's What The Fuckity Fuck Fuck?! moment. So, I have to go to the gynecologist this afternoon. It happens. I just made the appointment this morning, so I'm going to have to leave work a few hours early this afternoon to make it on time. It's a little last minute, I know, but shit happens. I called Boss #1 this morning and left her the following voicemail: "Hey Liza, it's Meg. I'm going to need to leave work early today to make it to a 2:45 gynecologist appointment. I'm sorry this is so last minute, but it's important and we don't have any appointments scheduled this afternoon. Please give me a call back and let me know if this will be alright. Thanks!"
Now, there were two key words in that voicemail I wanted Boss #1 to pick up on: 1.) "Gynecologist" and 2.) "Important." Normally when a boss hears that combination of words, they give you an automatic, "You go do what you gotta do" pass and don't ask questions. BUT I DON'T HAVE JUST ANY BOSS FOR A BOSS. I have Boss #1. And I swear to everything and anything, this is the conversation that went down when she returned my call:
B1: Hey girl! So what's going on with you?!
Me: Ugh, yea I have to go to the gyno. I'm sorry it's so last minute, but is it OK?
B1: Well what's going on? *ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!* What the fuck do you think is going on?! Something with my reproductive organs. We cool or do I need to be more specific? *TIME IN!*
Me: Uh...nothing major, just kind of what to get something checked out.
B1: Oh, like a UTI?
Me: Um, no.
B1: Ugh, it's not a yeast infection, is it? *ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!* First of all, no it's not, but more importantly—do we really have to play 21 Questions about why I'm going to the gynecologist?! You are my boss. I do not want to talk about my vagina with you! There are only five people privy to that information: my mom, my sister, my close girlfriends, Co-Blogger Chris and my gynecologist. THAT'S THE BALLGAME. I'm just here to do as little work as possible and still get a paycheck. I in no way want to break out the cheesecake and talk about my period and emotions with you. I'm sorry. Christ. *TIME IN!*
Me: Uh, no it's not. Anyway, is it Ok if I leave early?
B1: Girl are you ok?? What's going on with you? Are you in trouble? *ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!* Ok. I'm 99.9% sure that the phrase "are you in trouble" means "are you leaving work early to get an abortion?" In retrospect, I wish I had said I was getting an abortion, because I probably could have squeezed some extra time off for emotional pain and suffering, but alas, you have to have sex to have an abortion. That rules me out. *TIME IN!*
Me: No. No I am not in trouble. I'm fine, really, I just need to leave early, is that ok?
B1: .............................It's not an STD, is it? *ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!* On one hand, again, bless her heart for thinking I'm gettin' some, but on the other, what on god's green earth makes her think I'd be willing to tell her about my hypothetical STD ?! I don't even open up about asinine things like how my weekend was, but sure, let me tell you all about how much it burns when I pee after that anonymous, rough sex I had. *TIME IN!*
Me: Ummmm...haha...I don't think I'm very comfortable talking about this with you.
B1: Oh................................Well. Yes, you can take the afternoon off. Have a nice weekend Meghan. CLICK.
Ok, so let me get this straight—Now I'm the asshole because I won't divulge the intimate details of what's going on with my vagina to the entire office?! And that makes me the weirdo? I just...I just can't...I just can't do it anymore. I quit. I'm officially resigning from society. Me and my vagina resign. Goodnight and good luck.
But before I resign, here's your Friday drinking game! What with all the vagina talk, I guess a drinking game for The Vagina Monologues would be appropriate. However, I only saw it once like five years ago and spent the entire time trying not to crawl out of my own skin in sheer uncomfortableness. Thus, I'll give you the next best thing: The 2birds1blog Soft-Core Porn Drinking Game!
An oldie, but a goodie.
The Rules
Any soft-core porn movie will do, but I reiterate, it has to be soft-core, it won’t work as well with hardcore porn.
1.) Drink (don’t chug, don’t take a shot, just a standard swallow (that’s what she said) will suffice) when a saxophone is playing.
2.) Drink when a tattoo is in plain sight during sex.
3.) Drink when a woman is wearing jewelry during sex (studs and minor jewelry like a ring doesn’t count. I’m talking gaudy necklaces etc.)
4.) Drink once for a pierced navel and twice for a pierced nipple.
5.) Chug if a guy is wearing shitty jewelry (i.e. “a shitty ring,” as Co-Blogger Chris calls them).
6.) Drink once if we’re talking fully shaved, drink twice for a landing strip and chug for a bush. My roommates and I struggled over when the rule is for a half-bush situation. I say drink whatever quantity you want.
7.) Drink twice if there’s sex not on a bed.
8.) Take a drink for a masturbation scene.
9.) Chug if there’s a three-way.
10.) Chug if an unexpected visitor leads to sex.
11.) Chug if there’s sex in a public place.
12.) Chug for girl/girl sex.
13.) Finish your drink if there’s a shitty ring half-bush combo.
Alright, hope you all have a fabulous weekend. I'll be farming rutabagas on a hippie commune in New Hampshire, not taking part in society, if you need me. Laterz!
Posts
39 comments:
omg, SO funny to me, obviously not to you. Hope your ok! If you need some matzah ball soup, call me!
I'm getting hammered at work today, so I can't leave my lengthy comment. But after today's post, I can only strongly recommend this album for you (seriously):
http://tinyurl.com/yew8qon
Singer described it as "music to fuck to," which, ya know, someday you could maybe use. :P
Also I JUST posted that and I mean hammered like a ton of shitty work, not hammered like oh hey its DGF at work. Sigh.
Yeah, I was like holy shit, what kind of amazing job does James have that he's fucking wasted at 1:00 in the afternoon??
Yeah, I like James' original version better. Sigh.
And Meg, don't worry, I don't give a shit about what's going on in your lady regions nor why you need to get a tune-up. As far as I can tell as a frequent reader, you're lonely, and desparately trying to get some action up in those dusty parts. And gyno attention will, apparently, do.
Enjoy your Vagina Vacation/early day!
As far as I can tell as a frequent reader, you're lonely, and desparately trying to get some action up in those dusty parts. And gyno attention will, apparently, do.
Jesus fucking Christ that was rough for a Friday afternoon.
poelondon: WHO SAYS THAT?! shame on you.
meg, call me later!
Woah whoa whoa holdonjustaminutethere Poelondon, for the record, a visit to the vagologist does. not. "do". I mean, no, no, it doesn't do.
Loney, desperate, and dusty all in the same sentence? Sheesh!
Anyway, I'm sure you meant no offense.
what, really? i always feel really lame after i read about meg's social life--you get out way more than me! not lonely.
Poelondon- wtf man.
I got bored one afternoon while at my girlfriend's place (GF is now DW and mom to our DD and DS). She had the Vagina Monologues on the shelf. I read it (took an hour or so), and I must say that my favorite euphemism for teh vaj is now "coochie snorcher."
DD is only now acquiring language, and her only current compound word is "awesome-sauce", but hopefully "coochie snorcher" will be #2.
Ugh. Since laughing at your reaction to my comment I've been thinking about drinking ALL day. Instead I'm hunched over a commissions report. Shoot me.
Also poelondon, thanks? But that was kind of a twat thing to say to Meg...
I was joking! I totally, totally, totally was joking! I'm so sorry if anyone got offended! I thought my sick sense of humor had found a home and I got carried away.
A good soft-core porn, (I guess) is "Poison Ivy III: The New Seduction" with a (decently hot) young Jamie Pressly! Recommended for this drinking game, and more than one chuckle at unintentional humor.
Don't you hate getting Paps? I think your bosses wanted to vaginally connect and they're older they've seen it, felt it all and are Ok being open with their vaginas. Poe, I know you meant no harm. I gotcha.
Sorry man. Going through some shit, being super sensitive. I'll toughen up.
Poelondon, it's cool, it's just certain things are acceptable and certain things aren't. I've never met Meg, but I'm perfectly comfortable saying she's hopelessly awkward, a spaz, and at least partially crazy. And I'm sure she'd be cool w/ me saying that (pretty sure at least). But lonely and desperate sounds awful no matter HOW much you're joking. But we got ya, it's cool homes.
Meg, cheer up, dear. Hope your weekend away from home helps!
The best soft core is the Bikini series. I recommend Bikini Pirates.
"Hoist yer legs, matey. Let me bury mah treasure!"
No shit.
I've seen them on Cinemax. Not sure where you could rent/buy them.
I just stumbled onto your blog, and I very much enjoyed reading this post.
It's like my old roommate-turned-lesbian always says, "Vaginas. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."
While the snark was high, I did get that it was a joke. The "vagina vacay" sorta gave it away.
Odd...I don't have a problem with women discussing their vaginas.
You're forgetting the best rule of all: Improbable Angle.
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