Recrap Wednesdays: Fatties Need Luv 2

Before I recap last night's second episode of More to Love, let's all just take a moment to agree that as I've discussed ad nauseam, this show is degrading and sick and disgusting and mocking overweight people is absolutely despicable and blickity blah blah blah. So any and all fatty jokes I make from here on out should be taken with a pinch of salt and heaping tablespoon of understanding. Okay? Okay. Let's begin.

FATTIES ON PARADE YOU GUYS! Fatties on motherfucking parade! (Bahaha, just kidding.) So our second episode opens with the ladies hanging out in the house, cooking foods (obviously.) It's at this point that it's officially established that Christina is the bitch of the house. Christina is that girl in your middle school who overcompensated for being a few pounds overweight by being a giant cuntbag to everyone and handed out BJ's like Greenpeace pamphlets to make herself feel wanted. So Christina = bitch. You with me? Ok good, moving on. Emme comes in and informs the gals that they will be split into two groups for the first round of group dating. Anna and Malissa are arbitrarily named team captains and get to pick their teams. This begins a whole slew of "OMG I always hated picking teams for sports as a kid because I was so fat and nobody wanted me on their team and cry cry cry!" confessionals. (Don't worry, I kept a cry tally for the episode. I'll give you a final count at the end.) Christina whines about how she was always picked last as a kid for Red Rover and was always insecure it was because she's fat. Frankly, in a game where the objective is to hurl yourself at a bunch of children's little chicken arms, I think being a larger person might actually be an advantage. Something tells me she was picked last due to the cuntbag factor. And I was right! For Christina was picked last in this situation too, because, "she's a bitch." (From Anna's mouth to god's ears.) When Christina realizes she's been picked last, she looks around all sad like and whines, "I thought you guys liked me!" The rest of the girls all awkwardly look down at the ground as a tumble weed rolls by.

CURVEBALL ALERT! Emme says, and I quote, "All of you know how upsetting it is to be picked last," (which is a little presumptuous of her...) "so today, we're celebrating the person who gets picked last." YEP! Because Christina was picked last, she gets the only solo date with Luke. But not before Group 1 goes on their first date...

A lovely midnight cruise on a yacht called "The Dream Maker"! I was genuinely hoping the yacht would be called "The Chutney Monger," but we can't always get what we want, can we? After the girls board the yacht, Luke begins a champagne toast, and I swear to god, Heather gets so nervous she runs below deck and pukes off the side of the boat. And like a lot of puke too. Like, whole legs of lamb come up. Luke and the girls just kind of awkwardly stand there, champagne glasses still in the air listening to Heather make "HUUUUUUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHH" noises below deck and offer an occasional "...ohh no..." After she's done puking, Heather crawls into a little ball on the couch and cries herself to sleep. Which is odd, because I did the exact same thing after watching this scene.

But the show must go on! Luke makes another toast (which, hand to god, includes the line, "May all of our dreams come true on...The Dream Maker") and the awkward group dating begins. It's established that Malissa is the bitch of the group. I don't like Malissa. First of all, her name is Malissa. Second of all, she freaks me out because she has a skinny person head on a fat person body. She's like the centaur of fatties:

Later, Luke goes below deck to check on Pukes where he repeatedly refers to her as "precious."

Things I Find Precious: kitties; fat babies; Evie; this video of a pug pushing a stroller.

Things I Do Not Find Precious: Nazis; highway wrecks; shoe horns; fat girls who just puked.

Later at dinner, Kristian dishes to the camera that Malissa hasn't always been fat―she got fat after high school, which totally explains her mix 'n match body! Ooooo gurrrl...we got some resentment going on in the house about that...INTRIGUE.

The next night, Christina goes out on her solo date with Luke. On said date, Christina wears a very short, very tight and very, very spangly bubble dress. As my notes say: "a spangly bubble dress never did anyone any favors." Luke whisks Christina and her bubble dress away to Vegas for the night on a private jet. Christina cries (of course) and sniffles about how because she's a bigger girl, she's never been on a date like this. To which I say, well neither have I bitch! And I don't think it has anything to do with my weight. I think it has more to do with the fact that most people don't go on dates sponsored by Fox. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and buy some extra yardage for your dress.

Back at the house, Bonnie (of "I LOVE SKEWERED MEATS!" fame) refers to Christina as the smelly kid in class you always get paired with and have to stand next to in class pictures. To which I say to Bonnie: if Luke doesn't marry you, I will.

The next day, the girls are all hangin' around the house, eatin' ho-hos and the like when they get a note from Luke. (By the way, every note the girls get from Luke is attached to a comically over-sized engagement ring the size of a steering wheel. There's something about that that's so...fucked up.) Group #2 is informed that they'll be going to the pool on their date, so wear your swimsuits! This causes a river's worth of tears to be shed for obvious reasons. Fifty boxes of tissues later, they all cram themselves into their suits and head to the pool where Luke gets them liquored up to calm their nerves. Good move on his part. The rest of this date was pretty boring. They do some cannon balls, cry about their childhood and then a few lucky ones get to make out with him in a jacuzzi. There really is a difference between watching attractive people and ugly people make out. It's the same reason I can't watch Xtube or youporn. Mediocre and realistic just doesn't get the job done.

The next night, there's a pre-elimination mixer. Basically this is more time Luke spends making out with the girls. I think I've officially decided that Luke is creepy. Here's why: you know at the end of a Saturday night when you've been boozing pretty hard all night and you're about T-minus one hour to pass out and you're starting to get a little sloppy, but then you meet a hot guy and you're like, "Come on body! Just hold out for one more hour so we can keep talking to this guy and maybe get a little make out sesh out of this! Don't start stumbling and slurring yet! Keep those eyes open! Get your game up!"? Well that's what Luke is like all the time. It always seems like he just took two ambien and is fighting the urge to fall asleep. But then he's making out with these chicks like he's so into them. I don't really get it...and I don't think I want to.

At the mixer, Lauren gets some face time with Luke and partakes in one of the oldest traditions of reality dating competition shows in the book: throwing someone under the bus. She dishes to Luke that Arianne doesn't want kids and is old enough to be his mother. OOOOO! Bitch! She goes on to list the other women she deems to be "old" and explains that older women aren't fun because they're past the "bungee jumping phase of their lives." Oh, come on Lauren...how often are you strapping your fat ass into a harness and hurling yourself off a cliff? Also, the oldest chick she mentions is 32! Who are you? Me?

In the end, two random chicks and Arianne end up going home. Wamp, wamp.

Final cry tally: 16

Next week: THE FAT PROM! The teaser was just shots of them struggling to zip up their dresses...I'm not kidding. Get excited. And then get sad. But then get excited again!