Recrap Wednesdays: Fatties Need Love Too (or at least a sandwhich)

Last night's episode of More to Love was mediocre at best. Like a bowl of Fettuccine Alfredo you'd get at a restaurant that serves primarily Mexican food. It's a giant bowl of pasta and cheese so you can't go wrong and yet...it just doesn't hit the spot. That was last night's episode.

Episode 4 of More to Love opens with Luke kvetching that he needs a woman's perspective on things, so Emme rounds up the cattle and each girl is given a sign with "good wife" on one side and "bad wife" on the other. Each girl then takes turns standing before the others as they each decide whether she'd be a good wife or bad wife for Luke. This scene was really all about establishing Lauren as the new bitch in town. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren...what are we gonna do with you? Lauren is on the wrong reality show. Lauren belongs on Bridezillas with the rest of the homely mean girls. This show is for homely low-self esteem girls, not homely mean girls. Walk past Fox, take a left at Oxygen, follow the signs for WE and go straight on 'til morning.

I do give Lauren some credit though for calling out old Krazyface Kristian for being a wee bit too Misery for my liking. She sits Kristian down and tells her she's a nice girl and all, but she would be a bad wife because she's "emotionally unstable." Then Kristian bursts into tears. Yep. Stable as a table...

In the end, Melissa B is voted worst wife and Heather wins best wife. And of course she does! Because how cute is she?! (Although she was definitely wearing a skin-tight t-shirt with slashes cut about the bosom in this scene:

...It's hard for me to be on your team when you make conscious fashion decisions to look like you just got felt up by Freddy Krueger. I'm going to let this go with a warning. Kindly remember you're not Kat Von D in the future.)

As the winner, Heather gets a solo date with Luke, but! so does Melissa B., lest we not forget this show is all about "celebrating losers." Lauren basically throws a shit fit that Heather won, screaming, "They only voted her best wife cuz she's fun! FUN, FUN, FUN! I'm just sitting there being like, everybody voted you best wife cuz you're fun? What the fuck does being fun have to do with being a good wife?!" Yes Lauren. Because I know if I had the option, I'd take the mean fattie with a boob tattoo over the fun girl any day of the week.

Melissa B is the first to go on a date with Luke. They go to a Moroccan restaurant and she is super shy, which is super boring. Although at one point, Luke offers Mel B a legit pearl of wisdom: "You know, it's possible to by shy and confident." Hmm...good point. Too good a point. In fact, things are getting too comfortable in here. I haven't wanted to crawl out of my skin in a solid 30 seconds...Send in the belly dancers! Yyyyep! Right when Melissa was starting to feel good about herself, two skinny Moroccan bitches show up to teach her how to move that giant roll of hers in sync with the beat. Basically to take part in this "belly dancing lesson," Melissa simply has to sway a handkerchief in the air and shimmy back and forth a little bit. Which is obviously too much for her to handle. White men can't jump and fat girls can't dance. At one point she literally shrieks, "I can't do this! My hips don't move like that!!!" Oh Melissa. I bet you're a tiger in the sack.

Heather's solo date goes considerably better than Melissa's. Luke decides to give Heather "The Royal Treatment." In this case, The Royal Treatment means putting Heather in another spangly prom dress and taking her to the lawn of what looks like the set of a porno movie set in a castle . A porno I shall call, "Medieval Hog Fuckers IV". Luke ushers Heather to a gazebo and they gaze out at the view together. "I can't get over this view," he says. "I know. It's so pretty," our fair maiden replies. "...I was talking about you." And then I vomited mead and mutton all over ye olde sofa and pissed thy pantaloons laughing, for that shit doth be lolzfactor^maxpower.

Things then get downright awkward when Luke grills Heather about whether or not she wants to continue working when she has children. She says she does and you can tell Luke isn't tickled about it. Because his mom was a stay-at-home mom, dontcha know. Then Luke drops a bomb on Heather—he has three children. Heather's face drops and you can tell she's eyeing the exits and figuring out the quickest way to get over the moat. Luke looks at Heather. Heather looks at Luke. And then SIKE! Bahahaha, Luke's just kidding. He doesn't have any kids. He just thought the conversation was getting too tense. Isn't he a doll? Then the most hardcore post-prank make out session that you will ever see happens. And I'm talking hardcore. I'm talkin' about an open-mouth, closed eyes, cheek-grazing, bicep clutching, legs touching, filthy, disgusting, all-American make-out session. I'd tell you more, but I'm a Christian woman. As they're making out, Luke pops a champagne bottle he's clutching between his thighs and Heather craaaacks up. Because even fat people love a good ejaculation joke.

The next day the rest of the girls go on their group date to the spa at the St. Regis Hotel. Luke just wants the girls to "let go of the stress and anxiety of being a plus size woman." PSHHH! I'll cram a few sandwiches in my mouth if it means I get a spa day! I got stress! I got anxiety! It's has little to do with my weight and more to do with my boss, but still! This was the worst group date yet. Last week was a cock tease; there was no below-the-belt hook-up. There was, however, a lot of sensual rubbing. Shudder, shudder. Mandy gets all offended that Luke keeps making out with everyone and she doesn't feel special. Mandy, have you ever seen a reality dating competition before? I suggest you rent Rock of Love seasons 1 and 2 and be prepared to take a lot of notes. There's no real classy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it: if other girls are getting more play than you and you aren't feeling special, I suggest you getsta blowin'. You gotta step up your game. She already blew him? It's time to put out. She already banged him? Welp! Then I suggest you turn around and get creative. Love is a battlefield and you gotta explore all the weapons available to you. Don't just whine about how you don't feel special. You're fat; we know you have feelings. Give us something new and exciting. Christ.

My only notes for the pre-elimination mixer are: "This is boring. Emotions. Emotions. Emotions."

In the end, two must go home. Heather gets called first because she's my homegirl. The Tranny gets called second because she's just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania. It comes down to Melissa B, Anna and Lauren. I predicted Lauren and Anna would go home; Lauren because she's about as pleasant as a pap smear and Anna because she never got any face time. BUT NO! Luke sends home Lauren and Melissa B! I was shocked you guys, shocked! Then I had to sit through Melissa B crying her face off because she thought this was her one and only shot at love and now she just might as well jump off a cliff and retire her genitals. Not necessarily in that order.

Cry Count: 14

Next Week: Nobody feels special (WAMP, WAMP!), Kristian goes off the krazy train and the Tranny might walk!