I prefer the term 'Sexually Challenged'"

There’s a lot of things in this world that scare me: plane crashes, the Thriller music video, global warming, Kimberly’s scar on Melrose Place, falling down stairs, fupas, violent ghosts, episodes of SVU based on a true story, testicular twisting, Mickey Rourke’s new face, cancer, and eHarmony. Just to name a few (what can I say, I’ve got nerves of cardboard). But I’d be hard pressed to name one thing that scares me more than STIs.

Seriously. That shit is scary. Because you never know who has one until it’s too late and you go to the doctor and whoops, someone’s got a lifelong case of herpes. No thank you. We all know how those things go. The itching and the burning. The swelling and the oozing. Might as well just slap a “Caution Biohazard” belt on, because your genitals are unsightly and hazardous to e’eryone’s health. Kthnx keep your diseases in your pants, not mine.

What could be worse than an STI? Until now, you probably thought nothing. Welp, have you ever thought about sexually transmitted syndromes (STSs, if you will). I’m sure you haven’t, because I just made that name up. But if you’re familiar with 30 Rock (how would I live without Tina Fey/Liz Lemon), then you’ve heard of sexually transmitted Crazy Mouth (CraM, as I intend to call it) a sexually transmitted syndrome where sex leads you to spout crazy nonsense about one’s partner. But that’s not the only STS we’re all susceptible to. Just take a look at this pamphlet I recently made up found on the internet a respectable medical website.

STSs and their Treatment

Ynocall (Pronounced “why no call”).This can be contracted at any time, by anyone, although it is most prevalent after one night stands. Symptoms can present themselves as early as the inevitable walk of shame home and can persist up to several weeks after the incident. Symptoms include: constant presence of cell phone on or near person, vocalization about lack of phone calls, and irritability. Luckily, this affliction will fade in time, but for a quick remedy one can: nut up and be the first one to make a move or move on to another one-night stand. The latter option, however, has the added risk of perpetuating the cycle of illness.

Crazy Finger Syndrome. On the opposite end of the spectrum from Ynocall, one can contract CFS, or Crazy Finger Syndrome. This STS is the most common and usually occurs in relationship for the first few months, but can reappear much later in these same relationships. Symptoms include: strained/sprained finger joints from overtexting, anxiety over price of phone bills, and verbal diarrhea. A famous recent case of CFS involves two amorous twenty-somethings who sent a whopping 2,000 text messages back and forth to each other in a matter of 2 weeks, most of which consisted of an “I love you more” battle (which remains unresolved, as each claims to love the other more). Treatment can be self-administered, one need to simply put down the cell phone, turn off the Gchat and wait to talk in person. If this proves too difficult, seek professional help immediately.

Communicable Miscommunication (Comisco). Similar to ynocall, everyone is susceptible to this syndrome and its symptoms can become apparent at anytime. However, this syndrome does not limit itself to any one type of sexual encounter. Symptoms of this include: confusion regarding the meaning of once familiar words (“He just said ‘you too’ after I said ‘I love you’, what does that mean?”), disorientation especially regarding one’s relationship, anger, and erratic behavior. Can co-present with Ynocall. Direct treatment is the best solution for this: use your knowledge of letters to form words which convey your confusion and talk it out. If that does not work, a Mad Max style Thunderdome can be made available to you for a reasonable fee to “work out” your differences.

Psychosomatic Visual Impairment (PVI). This syndrome is most common in long-term relationships and is known more familiarly as being “dickmatized” or “pussy-whipped.” Subjects presenting this illness possess adequate visual and logical capacities, but lack the ability to combine these two processes. In layman’s terms, the sex is too good that you ignore obvious shortcomings in your partner. Symptoms include: loss of common sense and proper decision making skills, inability to remain vertical in the presence of partner, and loss of sense of self. Doctors will generally only give out prescriptions to the afflicted party’s close friends, which can be filled at the local bar/strip club/watering hole. Treatment must include alcohol and a heavy dose of solid facts. If all else fails, a Saving Silverman approach is preferred.

Amorous Fallacious. This is not to be confused with the non-STS “Amorous Phallus” which is an overwhelming love of the male reproductive organ. Amorous Fallacious is a serious STS that many virgins are prone to immediately following their first sexual encounter. Symptoms include: clouded field of vision regarding the person of interest, appearance of birds when person is near, affinity for sappy love songs, and loss of anything of interest to say to others. After many years of extensive research, scientists have concluded that the rushing of blood in the body can be responsible for many false perceptions, such as sensation of pins and needles or vertigo. Recently, love has been added to this list, as those afflicted with AF mistake the rushing of blood to their genitals during their first sexual encounter as overwhelming feelings of love. While these two events are not mutually exclusive, one must always remember being physically inside of someone is different than being emotionally inside of someone. However, doctors have yet to develop an acceptable litmus test for true love versus AF.

Munchausen’s Conjoinment. Unlike many other STSs, this syndrome is only present in persons in a steady relationship. Symptoms have been presented as follows: isolation from other friends, penchant for similar clothing options, abandonment of individual ideals and goals, and in extreme cases, multiple personalities. This STS also unlike other STSs, in that it is present in both parties, similar to an STI. Most often, both persons in a relationship will be reported to display Munchausen’s Conjoinment Syndrome. This is not so with other STSs discussed herein. Unfortunately, a proper treatment for this ailment has yet to be determined. Often, it is best to allow this syndrome run its natural course, as mortality rates for forced separation of Munchausen’s conjoined couples are similar to those seen in the separation of conjoined twins. However, this syndrome may have deleterious effects on one’s other relationships, if left untreated.

If one is capable of practicing safe sex and preventing the contraction of an STI, then one can very well be capable of avoiding an equally devastating STS as well. As G.I. Joe would say, knowing is half the battle. Be as aware of one’s symptoms as possible, and if you feel you may be displaying the early warning signs of any of the above, seek help as soon as possible. Be safe out there.