Ludacris's "Fantasy" is full of it

Porn is ruining lives.

Now, I’ve seen my fair share of pornographic videos (have I written this before? I’m having serious blogja vu right now), but it seriously warps your idea of what good sex should be. What you forget is that porn is all about the visual, more for self-love than making love. Try any position you see in porn, and it’s immediately uncomfortable, because while it looks hot as hell, your leg is not supposed to bend that way, and penises should not make obtuse angles with your torso.

But one of porn’s worst side effect of porn, by far, is the different locales these movies are set in. To illustrate my point, I present to you the 7 Most Overrated Places to Have Sex. (May I say that I am in no way an expert on this matter. Merely my opinion. If you’ve done it in any and every one of these places and it’s been spectacular, then a tip of the hat to you, and I’d love to hear your tales of wonderment. If I’ve omitted an overrated boning location, please let me know.)

7 Most Overrated Places to Have Sex

1. The beach. I think this might be one of the most common sex fantasy locations.
In theory: Get a blanket, settle down on a starry night, and get busy with the sounds of waves crashing as your aphrodisiac. Nothing could be more romantic than that.
In practice: Sand. Everywhere. You soon realize you have more nooks and crannies than an Thomas’ English muffins because every single one of yours has sand in it. And you seriously underestimated how cool the ocean breeze was. Goosebumps are sexy when they happen once or twice, not when they are constant. God forbid the tide come in mid-coitus.

2. The woods. This is a personal favorite of mine. I’ve always thought that getting your freak on in a nice wooded glen would be the ultimate.
In theory: Birds chirp as the leaves’ shadow dance playfully across your lover’s skin.
In practice: Leaning up against a tree hurts. That bark is not a comfortable body pillow. It is scratchy and there are ants crawling all over it. Likewise, you lay down in the grass, and who knows what creatures/insects are going to interrupt the mood. Nothing says sex less than bug bites. Except maybe a rash, sexually transmitted or otherwise. In the woods you are at least 600 times more likely to contract poison ivy. On your taint.

3. The kitchen. This might be one of the first place people go in their own home when they leave the boudoir because it’s so far removed from the bedroom.
In theory: All that counter space can lend itself to some interesting positions, and while you’re in the kitchen, why not grab some whipped cream and strawberries.
In practice: Let me stop you right there. Whipped cream = a sticky mess, even after you’ve licked the majority of it off of someone’s nether regions. But the food aside, there really aren’t a whole lot of places you can maneuver yourself in the kitchen. Leaning over a counter maybe but all that thrusting and you’re bound to concuss yourself on a cabinet. Same goes for sitting on the counter. And let’s face facts, you prepare/eat food in there. Unsanitary.

4. The stairs. This one might be a little less common, but I’ve seen it in a film or two and thought it looked hot.
In theory: You are on different levels, so it’d be easier for certain positions. And maybe you’re up for the challenge.
In practice: First and foremost, stairs are pretty narrow, so trying to find a comfortable way to kneel or sit on them is going to be difficult. Have you ever tripped up the stairs and banged your shin? Hurts donut? Imagine doing that repeatedly over and over again. Not pleasant. Also, god forbid one or both of you lose your balance, because you’re going to break an arm, or at least hurt your pride.

5. Car. I had a friend tonight tell me he’s done this. In traffic, no less. I say “Kudos, but good god what kind of yoga do you know how to do?” Most people just park their jalopy on Lover’s Lane and fog up some windows.
In theory: It’s sort of the quintessential place for teenagers to fool around, so I’m sure everyone’s done it at one point or another. Plus, even non-porn movies romanticize boning in cars. Or in the beds of trucks. Or the backs of vans.
In practice: In short, that’s not what cars are made for. You can’t fully enjoy yourself when you’re getting a face full of door handle. And in my experience as a passenger in cars, most backseats have pretty low head room. Sex is supposed to be mind blowing, not brain bashing. Also, police knocking on your steamed up windows can shrink a boner in 5 seconds flat. Fact! (Fun story: I had a friend who was fooling around with her boyfriend in a parked car when the policeman knocked on the window and shined a light on her topless…the policeman being her friend’s father.)

6. In front of a fireplace. Another romanticized location, as seen in many Skinemax flicks.
In theory: Firelight. Bearskin rug. Passionate sex. Maybe some candles. How many romance novels are centered around exactly this?
In practice: This might be a personal negative for me, but does anyone else think this would be the sweatiest, least sexy thing ever. Everything about that says hot to me, literally and not figuratively. I’m not going to be in the moment when I’m thinking about how much sweat is pouring from my forehead.

7. Pool/Jacuzzi. Like Will Ferrel and Rachel Dratch at the Welshley Arms “although the waters above appear calm, below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.”

In theory: Hot. Nothing is better than relaxing, enjoying spiced meats, and getting some.
In practice: Three words. Urinary Tract Infection.