If you took my right to vote away, I would kind of understand.

I'm going to go ahead and ask you to watch the following clip entitled once entitled "Paul Begala Schools Meghan McCain on Bill Maher's 'Real Time":


First of all, Joel Stein was also a guest on this episode, and to him I say: 1.) Me-ow 2.) I'm single and very much looking to mingle and 3.) I haven't asked her, but I'm 99.9% sure that your wife would be fine with you leaving her for me. Kthnx.

Next order of business: Meghan McCain makes me want to set things on fire. She makes me want to set things on fire and watch 'em burn to the ground. And then Country Line Dance on the ashes. That is how much she enrages me.

I could write a book on the many reasons why Meghan McCain enrages me (a book I call, "Meghan on Meghan: Did I Forget to Take My Pills This Morning, Or Do You Really Exist?") but the above clip illustrates one of the primary reasons why I hate the broad so much: whenever she gets busted for being dumb as a box of hair, she makes it all about how "the big, bad political pundit is beating me up because I've got blond hair and jugs-a-plenty! Poor me!" And I say fuck that noise! Because Paul Begala wasn't ripping Meghan McCain a new asshole because she's got giant hooters and pretty hair; he was ripping her a new asshole because she has no idea what the fuck she's talking about. There is a huge difference. I mean, honestly! She said she couldn't talk about the Reagan administration because she wasn't alive then! That statement is so mind-bogglingly stupid it's almost smart again! And frankly, I think Paul Begala went easy on her. If it were me sitting across from her, I'd run off stage, return with a roll of duct tape, tape her mouth shut and sucker punch her square in the ovaries so she can no longer procreate. YOU'RE WELCOME, PLANET EARTH.

And me wanting to punch Meghan McCain in the ovaries has nothing to do with how hot she is. However, it does have everything to do with how dumb she is. There is no correlation between looks and the ability to talk about politics, and for Meghan McCain to keep insinuating that there is brings us all down as a people and a nation. It's just such a cop-out. I also like how in that clip she's all "I'm just the blond at the table, so everyone is being mean to me!" Um. Hi. Kitty Kay is sitting across from you. What is she, chopped liver? No! She's got a nice little shape to her and—GASP!—blond hair! Funny how everyone treats her like an intellectual equal and you like a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot.

Also, Meghan McCain, you are not badass. I'm so sick of hearing her be like, "The Republican party doesn't like me because I've got a tattoo and listen to The Clash and use curse words! They can't handle how punk I am!" You, madam, are the Avril Lavigne of politics. You're about as badass as taking your Grandma to see Rent. Maybe the reason the Republican party doesn't like you is because you can't open your mouth without Swedish Chef-style nonsense flying out.

Stop trying to distract us from the matter at hand: you're not that smart.

I've decided that tonight I'm going to go on The O'Reilley Factor with a hook for a hand. And then when I can't keep up with the conversation and make the Democratic party look bad, I'm going to be like, "GAWD YOU GUYS! Everyone is being so mean to me just because I have a hook for hand! Why do you guys assume I can't talk about politics just because I have a hook! I know I'm just 'The Hook Girl,' but I know about politics too! God, can't we keep this conversation about politics and not make it all about my hook?! If you don't like me, you can KISS MY HOOK!" Then I'll become a "young political pundit," verbally assault a security guard or two at the White House Correspondent's dinner and write a book about my dad. FINALLY!