Drink everytime Chris says "Umbrella"

I don’t think talking about the weather is a particularly exciting topic of conversation, but holy hades, it has been raining forever. New York City has up and turned itself into Seattle. I’ve practically forgotten what the sun looks like. I think it’s yellow, but I can’t be sure. All this grey weather has turned me into an emo kid. I recently dyed my hair black, cut myself some severe angled bangs, and took self photos in sepia to post to my Myspace account.

But seriously, I think I’m getting seasonal affective disorder. But instead of getting depressed, I just get pissed off at people. Oh who am I kidding, I get pissed off at people no matter what the weather is. But can we briefly discuss something? I understand the purpose of umbrellas; we use them to prevent ourselves from getting sopping wet when Mother Nature is bawling her eyes out because she can't remember who El Nino’s baby daddy is. But if walking outside is the equivalent of diving into a pool, you are going to get wet and a comically oversized umbrella is not going to help your cause. Nothing makes me more crotchety than some douchebag, middle-aged power broker strutting around carrying a giant golf umbrella, taking up half the goddamn sidewalk, leaving a path of pedestrians in his wake clutching their eyes.


Look at that guy. Sure he’s dry—but he’s a total asshole. There’s not need for an umbrella-Hummer equivalent; a normal sized umbrella will suit you just fine, especially when you’re on a crowded sidewalk in a busy city, dickhead. I can probably think of 10 people who are in greater need of a gigantic umbrella than you on your two block walk from the subway to your office.

1.) Considering it’s called a golf umbrella, I think the most obvious choice are the spectators at a golf tournament.

While they are using them individually, it’s not out of place. Everyone is walking in one direction, so no one has to worry about losing an eye on their way to work.

2.) Jon & Kate plus 8. Scratch that, just Jon plus 8, because I sort of hate Kate and that hairdo deserves to get sopping wet.

If you have 8 children and you want to keep them all dry at once, a giant umbrella makes sense. If you are one person, even if you have an 8 inch penis that you want to keep all dry at once, you don’t need a giant umbrella. You need to put on pants, and then you need to call Meg. [Editor's Note: HOLLER!]

3.) If water is lethal to you like The Wicked Witch, you could use a huge umbrella.

This bitch has a reason to tote around a giant umbrella and not look like a jackass. She’s just trying to stay alive. Even the Bee Gees would support that.

4.)
A herd of mogwai would benefit more from a 62 inch umbrella than a disgruntled businessman. In fact, this would benefit everyone, since I’m not trying to get killed by a gremlin on my way to/from work.

5.) I’m not sure it rains in fairytales but if it did, I’d let The Gingerbread Man use this gigantic umbrella.

I'll cut this guy a break, because while he is extremely tiny, he is made out of baked goods. And he’s apt to go the way of the Wicked Witch if caught in a torrential downpour.

6.) Donna Summer might have been able to avoid that whole MacArthur Park fiasco if the man above would lend her his umbrella.

And she’ll never have that recipe again. Agaiiiiiin.

7.) If your job is to transport the Dead Sea Scrolls from one location to another in the pouring rain, then you have a worse job than anyone reading this article.

I can’t imagine they stand up to much of anything. And if your job is to keep those things safe, then by all means, have a continent sized umbrella.

8.) Or if you’re a continent sized person, like Hagrid, and your umbrella is proportional, then it makes sense.

Big guy, big umbrella. Giving Hagrid a regular umbrella, you’d end up with a fat guy in a little coat scenario.

9.) Say you are this kid, just your everyday aspiring bandleader.

And it’s your first parade. And your baton is missing. Do you: have a super sweet 16 (super nerdy) shit fit and punch the tuba player OR do you grab your giant umbrella and John Phillip Sousa the shit out of it?

10.) And last but not least, Mary Poppins.

Sure, she gets by with that regular-sized, albeit magical umbrella, but think of how much further she can soar with a HUGE umbrella. Lift or some other physics property is sure to be at work here.

I think, in the future, people should refer to this list. If you aren’t made of sugary sweets or allergic to water, are not unhumanly in size or a magical nanny, then put the giant golf umbrella away. Their need is greater than yours, and you are just an asshole.