Where's My Federal Bailout?

I don't know about you, but I continue to find myself strapped for cash. This might be my own fault for having basic needs. My financial problems could be easily remedied if I gave up drinking (but once it hits your lips, it's just so good), eating (I have got to stop ordering the Lover’s Delight at Plunder), clothing myself, existing, etc. Aside from an extreme hunger strike to boost my bank account, I’ve been toying with idea of getting a second job.

This thought is usually beaten into submission by my social life because bars don’t have "disgruntled hours" for those working multiple jobs. But the closer I get to having my own apartment and becoming an actual adult, the more I realize my current salary is not nearly as much money as I had previously thought. Since Amy Winehouse's mental state is in better shape than our economy, I probably won’t be seeing a raise in the near future. So I’ve got to think about alternative ways to put dollars into my starving bank account. However, if I'm going to sacrifice my free time that I spend working on my night cheese or smiling with my eyes (10 points to whomever gets those references), it's got to be worth it. Retail jobs are like waterboarding without the water, and they don't believe in weekends or holidays. So no thank you, as I've got plans for Memorial Day Weekend that don't include hawking a Banana Republic credit card with your purchase of argyle socks. What I need is a supplementary source of income off the beaten path.

What got me started thinking about this was an email I received at work. When I’m not blogging my face off, I work as a professional nerd in a science lab curing cancer, replete with beakers and Bunsen burners, et al. No joke, I’m looking at a test tube right now. Anyway, this email was from the Psychology department looking for volunteers for a research study. Normally, I can these emails faster than you can say “I am a Nigerian prince”, but I noticed they were offering compensation for volunteers, so I thought to myself “Free money? Yes please!” So naturally, my first thought is to become a semi-professional guinea pig. I'll just keep my eyes peeled for more mass emails from work and ads posted on the subway or other reputable sources. Are you between the ages of 18-45? Yes, go on. Do you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and cough? That has happened to be before, so this still applies to me. Do you frequently use large doses of herion? Dammit, you lost me on that one. On the upside of this "career", you get paid a decent hourly rate for essentially doing nothing. $10/hour might not sound like much, but when you consider the fact that you're being paid to sleep/learn a foreign language/put together a puzzle/take an unnamed drug with unknown side effects, it's not a bad wage at all. On the downside, you could be taking a drug with unknown side effects and wind up like this infant (slightly NSFW).

As Napoleon Dynamite taught me, you need to have good skills. Nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills and the like. Although I might be whiter than an albino polar bear in a snowstorm, I've got some moves. (Yours truly was a member of a hip hop dance group in college, FACT!) That being said, a posting on Craigslist is advertising for a male go-go dancer. Upside: I would be getting paid to shake my moneymaker like somebody's bout to pay me, AND it's a night job, so it wouldn't interfere with my daily 9-5. Downside: Heavily tattooed?...That could be a problem. Also, I'm not fond of glitter.

Luckily for me, go-go dancing isn't the only opportunity Craigslist turned up. If you're familiar with my 2birds intro, you would know I've got mad game when it comes to rapping. Well lookie here! Professional beat dropping! And I played the drums in high school! I'm perfect for this! Upside: I could make it big as a rappercussionist. Bring the word "rappercussionist" into more common usage. Downside: Oh wait, they are serious about this. And our first gigs would probably be on the F train. Next!

Realistically, if I get a second job, I'm going to need it to be a job with bountiful night shifts. I've considered bartending, as (I like to think) I've got personality coming out of my ears and could charm the pants onto a nudist. However, I'm also pretty klutzy and while it was endearing when Jersey dropped bottles of top shelf liquor in a montage in Coyote Ugly, something tells me it wouldn't be quite as cute if I were to do that in real life. Even if I do sing "One Way or Another" immediately afterwards.

I guess I'm just going to have keep on doing what I do and hope to win the lottery sometime soon. Unless someone is in need of a trophy husband. Or my rappercussionist career takes off.


(Sidebar: After much cajoling from various friends, I've made the plunge and joined Twitter. You can follow me at www.twitter.com/misterlizlemon, because if you think I'm funny here, I'm even funnier in 140 characters or less. Fact!)