Washington DC to Meghan McCain: "Bitch, please!"

God that title hurt to type. As you may recall, I previously fancied myself a bit of a Meghan McCain enthusiast. She was actually the #2 reason why I wished I could have voted for John McCain. We're just so similar: we're both named Meghan; we're both bloggers; she hates Ann Coulter, I hate Ann Coulter; she likes John McCain, I like John McCain; she went to Columbia, I took an informational tour of Columbia—where will the similarities end??

But Meghan McCain is on my shit list. In a big way. And I want an apology. Take a look at the following tweets from Meghan McCain's twitter account:




Ok. So you don't like DC. That's fine; plenty of people don't like DC. I mean, I can't help but think maybe the reason people want to talk to you about politics is because you're campaigning to be the new face of the Republican party and fancy yourself something of a pundit, which means talking to people about politics is literally your job, but whatevs. Lord knows I hate when people expect me to do my job, so I'm just going to take that as one more thing we have in common.

But then you had to go and tweet this:


Bitch, please.

Because guess what? I am from DC. And on behalf of DC; go fuck yourself.

Here is what I've ascertained Meghan McCain believes about DC area natives:
1.) We do not wear makeup. Who has two thumbs, a Sephora insider card and wears more makeup than a drag queen in competition? This girl.
2.) We do not wear sparkles. This is correct. I also do not stuff my bra, make out with my pillow or shop at Claire's boutique, as I am not 12 years old.
3.) We wear very little fabric. Again: bitch, please. It is humid as fuck here and we're in the middle of a recession. You cut corners where it makes sense.
4.) We have flat, lifeless hair. Yea. Well. Personally that is true, but you don't have to rub it in. In 4-6 weeks, I'll be in possession of a BumpIt and then who'll be laughing??
5.) We do not like glamour.

This last statement is enraging on so many levels. Let's break it down, shall we?

First of all, we get it Meghan McCain. DC is full of ugly people. We're all brunette and boring and homely and plain and we've never kissed a boy and we're still waiting to get our period and we all know we're never going to get asked to the dance this weekend so we might as well just tell Mrs. Friedenberg that, yes, we are free to babysit Saturday night. We get it. Ugly.

But, you know what? This is sort of an exciting time to live in DC. King Obama is in office and his army of hipster followers are slowly starting to infiltrate the city. Finally, it's kind of cool to live here; even if you don't give two shits about politics (which, by the way, can be said about many DC residents, including this gal.) We're finally figuring out that culottes might not be the trendiest pant option and we're slowly learning that we look better if we run a comb through our hair. Let us have this moment, Meghan McCain. Stop reminding us what nerds we really are deep down inside. You're like the jealous sister who keeps showing old family photo albums to our hot new boyfriend all, "Aww! Look at this picture of DC when she had braces and a unibrow! Poor DC...Middle School was such a tough time for her."

Remember when Laura Ingraham went on Fox News to talk about your political qualifications and said that you couldn't even "get a role in the Real World" because they "don't like plus-size models"? That sucked. Because 1.) you're not plus-size at all, you just have giant hooters. And the plight of the giant hootered girl is one that I know all too well; and 2.) your physical appearance has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to speak intelligently about politics, and Laura Ingraham looked embarrassingly stupid for inferring otherwise. You really came out on top of that one, homegirl, and I was happy for you. You said on the View, "I speak my mind about politics and I want to have a political discussion about the ideological future of the Republican party and the answer is, 'She's fat. She shouldn't have an opinion." Valid point. Laura Ingraham is a dumb cunt and more power to you, sister.

But you know what doesn't help your case? When you complain about how people in DC talk too much about politics and tweet things like, "Sticking out like a sore thumb n dc cuz im a raging hottie n this town is BEAT! ;)"

Because, really? I thought you wanted to have a political discussion about the ideological future of the Republican party and not about your physical appearance? So why flaunt the fact that you're glamorous, bedazzled ass is 50 times hotter than ours? Or is hypocrisy the new black? Sorry, I'm from DC, I don't know what dat dem der fashion trends be. If only I had been raised in the hot bed of cutting-edge fashion and glamor that is...Arizona?

I'm disappointed Meggles. After Saturday's tweet, not only do you seem pretty fuckin' obnoxious, but you also come off just as vapid and catty as Laura Ingraham. And that sucks, because how hard does Laura Ingraham blow? (Answer: So hard.)

So Meghan McCain, you're too good for us ugly DC folk. Well then, we invite you to pack up your haute couture dream catchers, turquoise jewelry and pan flute and get the fuck out. Our "vanilla" town clearly can't handle your spicy chipotle flavor.


XOXO,
Washington, DC