Recrap Tuesdays takes on...THE HILLS!

Although I loved Chris' recaps, I wasn't in love with The City. I didn't hate it. I just wasn't in love with it. I begrudgingly went on a series of mediocre dates with it, mainly to get a free meal and see if I'd get drunk enough to let The City come home with me. But that kind of magic never translates in the sobering light of the morning. I only stuck with The City for so long because I didn't have The Hills and figured it was better than being alone. And I know that's no reason to stay with a reality show but, what can I say? I'm young and vulnerable.

The reason I could never fully get behind The City was because, well, I kinda like Whitney. She seems nice and normal enough. Privileged, yes, but normal enough. However, if I wanted to watch a privileged girl with problems, I'd just stare into a mirror for an hour every Monday night. Which I already do. It's called "eyebrow maintenance time," and MTV sure as shit isn't paying me $40K a week to do it.

So, sorry if I can't get a sympathy boner up for you, Whit. Your stunningly hot Australian boyfriend doesn't want to define your relationship? Boo-hoo! There's a mean girl at your fabulously glamorous job that I would sell my body on the street for? Cry me a river! I mean, you get your life advice from Dian Von Furstenberg, for Christ's sake! Wanna know who I get my life advice from? A therapist who charges $250 a session and looks like the full-grown version of Vern Troyer aka Mini Me. Sucks.

Unfortunately for Whitney, I like my reality TV shows like I like my men: sloppy and desperate, with a slight hint of a mustache.

And speaking of Lauren Conrad, man I love me some LC. Truthfully, I love the Hills' whack pack as a whole. They're shiny and pretty and tan and fake and come from this distant land they call "Calla-forny." Yes and please! The Hills is so shamefully vapid and fake, I just can't tear my eyes away from it. It's almost pornographic. That's where The City went wrong; it acted like it had more substance than it really did. And what is it that my spirit guide Dre always tells me? Ah yes, "one can not make a ho into housewife. For those hos; they do not akrite."

So, without further ado, I give you the first and second episodes of The Hills!

Episode One opens with Stephanie Pratt and Heidi meeting for a good old fashioned cup of coffee to talk about Stephanie's "fabric class," (read: raging meth addiction.) Distracted by the invisible bugs under her skin, Steph lets it slip that Lo and Audrina are throwing a Boats 'n Ho's surprise party for Lauren. Unable to control her excitement, Heidi pees her pants, hops atop Stephanie's back, slaps her on the ass and shouts, "YEE-HAAAWW! TO LAUREN'S PARTY WE GO, TRUSTY STEAD! HI-HO METH FACE, AWAY!!!!" Stephanie lets out a mighty whinny before galloping off into the sunset that is Heidi's closet to pick out some super spangly outfits for the party.

As the two are in Heidi's closet wondering whether or not Heidis going to get pitched overboard for crashing, 'ole Spencer Pratt and his Beard of Fleshy Colors wander in wondering where the ladies were going for the evening. Heidi replies with an ever-cool, "BLI-I-I DON'T KNOW?! WHO'S GOING ANYWHERE?! WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A BOAT?! I SAID "GOAT," WE'RE GOING TO SACRIFICE A GOAT...IT WAS ALL STEPHANIE'S IDEA I SWEAR, SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME DRINK METH AND BE LAUREN'S BEST FRIEND AND I DON'T WANT TO, OK I SWEAR IT BAY-BEE!!!"

Sensing that Heidi miiiiight be lying, Spencer packs up his beard and goes to a bar with his friend Charlie (who looks mysteriously like a hybrid of Mathew McConaughe circa Dazed and Confused and my uncle Doug,) to drown his sorrows at BoYz NiGhT! However, the only boy present besides uncle Doug McConaughe is Stacie the Bartender's acting coach hiding under the bar feeding her lines, hissing, "PROJECT! PROJECT!" Spencer spends most of his time at BoYz NiGht flirting like a horny boy at summer camp with Stacie the Bartender. In a stroke of completely unscripted luck, Stephanie's ex-boyfriend happens to be sitting across the bar with an MTV producer stroking his balls under the table whispering, "text Stephanie and tell her that Spencer is writhing on the hood of a Corvette to the tune of 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' with Stacie the Bartender!" Done and done.

Meanwhile at Lauren's Boats 'n Lo's Party, everyone was about as happy to see Heidi as a fat kid is to see his gym teacher. Lo steps up to bat and pitches Heidi overboard before lindy-hopping back to the card table to enjoy the rest of the river boat activities.

Back in 1987, Spencer climbs off the hood of his Corvette and confronts Stephanie's ex-boyfriend about texting Stephanie. He's all, "YO YO YO YO YO DAWG, I'MMA GIVE YOU A BEATING, DON'T DISSRESPECK ME DAWG, YO YO YO YO YO" and then his mustache is all "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!" AND THEN! Just when you think this situation can't get any whiter, Spencer bitch slaps Stephanie's ex and a cat fight ensues before they both get kicked out of the bar. As Spencer's mustache hands him an ice pack for his vagina, Heidi calls to confront the alleged flirtations with the bartender. Spencer, between icings, tells Heidi that he just beat up Stephanie's ex and Heidi is so embarrassed she saves Lo the effort and pitches herself overboard this time.

As Heidi climbs back onto the river boat, tears streaming down her face, seaweed stuck in her hair, our heroine Lauren feigns interest and asks Heidi what's wrong. "I think Spencer might be an a*hole like you've been saying all along!" "Well no shit sugar," Lauren responds, picking a crab off Heidi's dress and tossing it to a hungry Lo for dinner. Then, out of nowhere, even though neither of them had any chemistry between them what-so-ever the entire night, Lauren and Heidi have a teary-eyed heart-to-heart about how close they used to be and how they wish it was possible to move on, and oh my gawd I love you and I miss you and maybe if we could just―" Just then, our would-be-reconciliation is interrupted by Lo, who pitches 'em both overboard in a fit of jealousy and mercury poisoning. Sadness. They were so close to being BFFs once more. FIN.

Episode 2 was about as entertaining as court-ordered community service, and I should know. Heidi decides to confront Stacie the Bartender, who confirms that Spencer was hitting on her at the bar, but apologizes for flirting back because she's been under a rock with her fingers stuck in her ears singing "lalalalalalala" at the top of her lungs for the past year and didn't know that this mysterious "Spencer" person even had a girlfriend.

Broken-hearted, Heidi hops on the first moose she sees and goes home to Crested Butte, Colorado to do some soul-searching.

Spencer decides to do some soul-searching of his own and seeks guidance from the man, the legend―Mr. Brody Jenner. The two meet at a vegan cafe to discuss Heidi's abandonment and the conversation goes a little someting like this:
Spencer: Bro, bro, dawg man, like bro, homie I'm telling you dawg, Heidi man, she's like bananas dawg!
Brody: Dawg. Man, dude that is banananas homie. Man you gotta just live your life homie, word, dawg. Man. Dude, just be your own dawg, homie, word?
Spencer: Yo, word dawg. Aight homie. I'm out, dawg.
Brody: Keep it real homie.
Spencer: Yo.
Brody: Dawg.
Spencer's moustache to the camera: This is desperate homes.

Back in Colorado, Heidi goes to a ho down with with her mom and pervy stepdad and partakes in some heavy square-dancing with Colby, a good Christian boy and former high school sweet-heart. As Heidi's mom barters Heidi's hand in marriage for a few buffalo and pitchers of fresh milk, Heidi looks wistfully at the moon and wonders if Spencer might be staring at the moon at that exact same moment....

And as fate would have it, he is! If moon = Stacie the Bartender's breasts. FIN.