At the risk of sounding like a misanthrope and alienating all of you fine people, I’m going make a bold statement: I hate people. Whether on my daily walk to work, slogging through 9 to 5, or relaxing at the bar with friend, I am hard pressed to not get irritated with my fellow man. That is not to say I’m an unfriendly person; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. But I continue to run across people who make me scratch my head and wonder how they managed to make it so far in life without getting bludgeoned to death with a candlestick.
Currently, the most hated people on my list are people who don’t follow the rules. I just got back from my first ever trip to the West Coast to visit some friends in San Francisco. The trip was great while I was in San Fran with my friends. It was the getting there and back that really got me riled up.
I knew this was going to be a unique flight when I was waiting to board my flight. The ticket taker announces that we are going to board by zones. I think that’s logical, they probably have it set up so that people in the rear of the plane board first to keep the aisles clear and speed up the boarding process. I hear “At this time we are now boarding zones 1 and 2,” and suddenly half of the plane is in line to board. Considering I am zone 5, I’m fairly positive there are not 300 people in zones 1 and 2. You may think, “Haha I’m going to board early, take 30 minutes to cram my clearly oversized ‘carry-on’ bag in the overhead compartment and make everyone else so jealous that I’ve been on the plane for an extra 2 minutes.” But really, everyone HATES you. That is why this rule is in place: to keep me from breaking you in half and shoving YOU in the overhead.
After I got to my seat and simmered down (watching several people open the same overhead compartment to see if it’s full, after an announcement has been made twice saying that any closed compartment is full) we finally take off. Now, for some reason, there were several people traveling together who couldn’t get seats together. However, a plane is not a cocktail party, and you shouldn’t stand in the aisle and hover over me, talking about God-only-knows-what-but-I’m-sure-it-can-wait. Especially until after the fasten seatbelt sign has been removed. Once again, this is a rule put in place for a very good reason. The plane is currently ascending at a 45 degree angle, so you should stay in your seat to prevent being thrown backwards into a metal cart of free peanuts and biscotti. Or we are currently going through a patch of turbulence, so please remain seated so as to keep from being tossed into a neighbor’s lap causing an awkward erection and minor bruising.
One woman on this flight took the cake, blatantly disregarding the rules of aviation. She decided that 10,000 feet is the perfect altitude for some bikram yoga action. I kid you not, this woman ignored the flight crew, stood in the aisle, and did some light yoga. I’m perfectly fine with in-flight exercises because nothing scares me more than death by a rogue embolism. But first and foremost, the flight attendants are trying to get by to give me my complimentary snacks. Secondly, we have been on the plane for less an hour. Thirdly, no one is impressed that you can put your palms flat on the ground. This probably makes me sound like a stickler for rules, but if there is a solid reason for them, I’m going to do what I’m told. What makes other people think they are above that? You just can’t wait to get on the plane because the time you are going to spend sitting in the boarding area is taking away from the time you could be spending on the plane? Newsflash: we’re going to be on that damn plane for at least 5 hours, I think you’ll survive to be away from it for a bit. So you think now would be a good time to get your YoYo Ma CD out of your Jansport even though the pilot has asked everyone to remain seated? I hope the plane lurches suddenly and your CD cracks in half AND imbeds itself in your arm. Now you have no concert violnist and a flesh wound. That’d teach you. And to my yoga-practitioner, you are one cumulonimbus cloud away from breaking your neck. Then you’ll be a permanent Downward Facing Dog. I’m not saying I want you people to get hurt so you’ll learn your friggin’ lesson, but I’m also not NOT saying that.
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24 comments:
As I said to Chris the first time I read this post, "Awkward Erection & Minor Bruising" is the name of my new erotic metal band.
Did you hear that a lady who didnt follow the rules, went to the rest room during descent and they hit turbulance and she hit her head on the ceiling and is paralyzed "from hernipples to her ankles" This happened yesterday I think!!! They told her she needed to beinher seat with a seatbelt on and she said she couldnt wait!
My hatred for ridiculous flyers is like no other. I have to fly a lot and doing so, I've managed to run across just about every type of annoying person you can run into.
I too have witnessed the in flight yoga master. I wanted to kick this lady in the c-unit when she went into her downward dog pose. Who does that? I can understand standing up to stretch your legs but going all the way into downward dog during a flight?
We get it, you're a 55 year old lady who is extremely proud of her body and you think the rest of the world should love your body as much as you do.
Also, I'm gonna go ahead and say when I get on a plane, I hate fat people. I usually don't mind my slightly overweight counterparts, but when I have to basically hug myself for 2+ hours, I hate you. Plus, I can hear you breathing. That is a problem. Maybe you should be doing yoga mid flight instead of Grissle Mcthornbody up there.
Yoga on a plane?! Seriously?
hahahha! jansport.
I'd like to see a cage match to the death between bad fliers and bad drivers. Then the rest of us could go about our days in peace.
another group of rule breakers to add to your 'people to punch' list: people who blatantly ignore the giant red hand symbol and cross the street when it's not their turn.
please excuse my rudeness for continuing through a GREEN EFFING LIGHT..by all means PLEASE continue walking across the street. oh and please continue at your own pace! no, no rush sir..continue with your thuggish ruggish, pimp walk...I can wait.
People flying with pets often feel like they are also immune to in-flight rules. I recently sat behind a man with a small annoying dog who he refused to zip into his carrier and place under the seat in front of him during the takeoff and landing.
It blew my mind that the very polite flight attendent had to come over 7 times and repeatedly explain what "fully zipped and underneath the seat in front of you" meant.
Wait, you can fly with your animals in the cabin? I thought they go into steerage or something? What if I have a severe dog allergy and someone sitting next to me has their dog?
Like that disgusting recycled air isn't bad enough! Let's add pet dander!
I've had the, "Lady flying with her cute little dog" experience as well. She held on to her little Chihuahua the entire flight and it barked THE ENTIRE FUCKING FLIGHT.
At least this lady actually purchased the seat next to her so no one would be too close to her "preeciioussss." For real though, why do people like to put their dogs in clothes that match what they're wearing? I don't get it.
I'd like to add another "rule breaker" to the list. People who don't use a turn signal when turning. If I'm waiting for you to speed past me and you instead turn into the same place I'm going at the last second, I hope you die a slow and painful death possibly involving the snuggie and/or tinge.
omg. i haaaaaaaate traveling and have been having the worst experiences on planes recently, but they do not involve my fellow passengers as much as the nimrods who work at the airlines. My flight from DC to NYC a few weekends ago ended up turning into 12 hours of traveling. Fucking trains, planes and automobiles. I can only HOPE for better luck on my travels this weekend.
Anyway, I'm a huge fan of your blog. I'd love for you guys to check mine out: BradySpewingNonsense.blogspot.com
Regarding animals wearing outfits, I only have to say this:
http://popwatch.ew.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/11/30/pugs_l.jpg
Try. Try not to squeal in delight; I dare you.
I am just happy to know that there are other fulling functioning people who are as chock full of hate as me. We should form a club.
I know I've been on this same flight (minus the awkward erection part) but I also know that can't really be true if for no other reason than the fact that I already live in San Francisco so I don't have much occasion to fly there for a visit.
Its like you took all the free-floating, schizophrenic thoughts in my head, filtered out the threats, epithats, and deeply, deeply disturbing violent fantasies, and codified them into a cohesive, well written, constructive, and most importantly, FUNNY entry. It's practically a PSA. It probably should be one. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Speaking of animals in inappropriate places, what's up with dogs in department stores?? And I don't mean those yappy little suckers that you can throw in a handbag & call it a day, I mean DOGS. Like, dogs that you would have trouble putting in a trash bag and carrying around. Who do people think they are? At what point did these people get Lord & Taylor's animal visitation policy confused with Petco's??
Vulcan mind-link! I seriously, seriously hate people. I say it all the time. I say it to my fiance, who nods and says back to me, "They're the worst." I hate people the most when they're in crowds on the sidewalk. It's like everyone is figuring out the perfect moment to veer into my path. The widettes and their strollers form impenetrable lines across my path and I'm stuck breathing down their necks as they slowly waddle to the next stop light, then take 10 minutes to realize we've got a walk sign.
I feel like my hatred of people stems from their complete self-centeredness. Often the worst people are the ones who are in their own little worlds and can't be bothered with what color the traffic light is, or what cripple is trying to go through the door behind them. In general these people have trouble dealing with their surroundings such that they are 95% of the time in my effing way.
hilarious
i used to fly to and from canada often to see an ex, and one trip i had his bday present with me, which for some reason they wouldn't check with the baggage. so i had this big-ass, fully-wrapped, guitar hero box in the overhead... only to relaize when i got off the flight that my fellow passengers had ripped the wrapping paper completely off whilst stuffing their obviously more important belongings up there. when i gave it to my bf, it was a bare guitar hero box with like one random shred of wrapping paper on it. worst-bday-present-giving-situation EVER.
Can I just say... I LOVE this sentence: "I’m not saying I want you people to get hurt so you’ll learn your friggin’ lesson, but I’m also not NOT saying that." Awesome.
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