My legs were crossed the entire time I wrote this.

So yesterday my friend Justine forwarded me a Daily Candy article about The Tinge razor/vibrator. Take a look:

i don't know why i thought you would enjoy this/ want it
xxoo

j

Have you ever been in the shower, shaving your legs, when you started to get turned on? Didn’t you wish that trusty razor of yours could satisfy more sensual needs?

Now it can with the Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator! Yes. Really.

The Tinge may look like an ordinary shaver, but just throw on the cap and voila — party time! Finally, you can remove unwanted stubble and get off with a single device.

But wait, there’s more: The Tinge has a whopping 32 different speed/mode combinations for your pleasure, and it’s water resistant, so you can get freaky in the bathtub.

That’s not all. The gadget comes with two blade cartridges and a bottle of pleasure gel — all for the low price of just $99.

Ok. First and foremost Justine, whatever I did to make you think that I would ever want a razor slash vibrator, I'm sorry. Whatever I said, just pretend I said the exact opposite and I think we'll be able to move on with our friendship.

The Tinge makes me uncomfortable on so, so many levels. First let's talk about the name: The Tinge. Tinge: (noun) A slight added element, property, or influence. I'm guessing the most literal definition of the word "tinge" has nothing to do with anything, and this is more some minge word play (which is heinous in it's own right,) but less obvious is the origin of the T. Where does it come from? Tantalizing? Tough hair? Trusty? Tingle? Is it Tingle? TINGLE MINGE?! I'm going to vomit everywhere.

Now, of all of the shower products to choose from that could possibly be designed to double as a vibrator, what genius settled on the razor? A razor is sharp. It cuts. People use it to take their own lives. I don't associate pleasure with my razor. I associate small cuts that take over an hour to stop bleeding. No matter how careful I am when shaving, my shower always ends up looking like a god damn scene from Sweeney Todd. Ergo, maybe a vibrating bar of soap would have been more appropriate.

On a purely functional level, you just have to be fucking kidding me. "Throw on the cap and voila — party time!" I don't know what kind of female circumcision party you're trying to drag me to, but the thought of a rickety piece of plastic standing between my clit and a razor blade pretty much makes me want to buy a chastity belt and never leave my house again. And I won't be "throwing" anything on, thank you very much. I'll be securely fastening at the very least. And I mean, honestly, what are the chances of that cap flying off mid "party"? I think I would have to see some concrete design plans and take a guided tour of the plastic cap factory in China before that thing comes within six inches of seeing inside my pantaloons.

The Tinge also offends me for one of the same reasons that The Snuggie offends me—someone is making a million dollars off it. Why, oh why, do we insist on rewarding such stupidity?? A shammy cloth sold by a trick-beating Scientologist?! LORD KNOWS I HAVE ONE! A backwards robe marketed as a hands-free blanket?! SOLID GOLD! A vibrating razor blade for the sexual adventurous girl-on-the-go?! HERE, TAKE MY WALLET!!!

I think part of the reason I'm so bitter (besides not wanting my genitals sliced and diced,) is that I once had a great invention idea once, but not a single soul supported. I called it The Slammock. I created The Slammock by combining the two places I find most comfortable to sleep—a sleeping bag and a hammock. My design specifically called for a fleece-lined sleeping bag tied onto (not sewn into, that would be too tight and constricting,) a traditional cord hammock. I genuinely think this is an amazing idea and I still wish everyday that I had one. I actually pitched The Slammock to my parents while we were bed shopping for my first apartment. I argued that The Slammock beats a traditional bed, as it is comfortable, financially sound and space efficient. And yet, I was met with negativity by everyone I proposed the idea to. Suddenly everyone was a bed critic—is there enough back support? What if a prankster flips you over while sleeping? How can you have sex on it? What about motion sickness? Will the cords make an imprint on your face? What happens when it starts to sag?! Yes, I'm the idiot, yet slap a sticker that sex "sex toy" on a vibrating razor blade and we're in business!!!??????!?!?

God I hate life.