5 Reasons to join Twitter

My friend Helena is one of those innately hip people that I strive to be more like on a daily basis. She knows about obscure bands and has really good taste in movies and books. I met Helena my freshman year of college when we lived on the all-girls floor of Hughes Hall together (affectionately dubbed "The Virgin Vault"). I was scared shitless of her. I was all, "oh god, her hair is naturally blond! And she grew up in New York City! And she looks super disinterested!" When original ex-co-blogger Eddie and I planned a ~gIrLs MoViE/bOnDinG nIgHt!~ for our floor the first week of school, Helena skipped it and went to a show at the Black Cat. The next day in cinema class when our professor called her "Hell-len-uh" (as in of Troy) instead of "Hell-lay-nuh" (how you actually pronounce her name,) I was all, "BAHAHAHA! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR SKIPPING MY GIRLY MOVIE NIGHT, BITCH!!!1"

Then one day Helena stopped by my room to drop off a mix CD that she had made for my roommate. I had just won a vintage salmon-colored blazer on ebay (that to this day I've never worn, but feel slightly better knowing is in my closet,) that I was perhaps a bit too excited about. Helena knocked on my door and asked for my roommate. Excited from my recent victory, I responded with, "SHE'S NOT HERE, BUT I NOTICE THAT YOU'RE WEARING A HANDSOME STRIPPED BLAZER I JUST WON A SALMON-COLORED BLAZER ON EBAY GET INSIDE AND LOOK AT IT CUZ YOU'RE MY NEW BFF BITCH!!!!!" And thank god, she did.

My point here is that Helena is hip and interesting. Over the years she's introduced me to a lot of cool stuff and I totally appreciate it. Her views and opinions on everything and anything also just plain fascinate me. Thus, my new life's goal is to get Helena on Twitter.

However, translating this real world friendship into a Twitter friendship has proven to be a difficult task. Obviously, Helena is too cool for Twitter. Officially, she won't join because "it confuses her." I call bullshit. If you can spread cream cheese on a bagel, you are officially smart enough to operate Twitter. But sorry toots, I'm not giving up. You of all people should know that once I get my little heart set on something dumb and pointless, I don't give up. Thus, I present to you with my 5 reasons to join Twitter:

5.) You can stalk celebrities in a totally socially acceptable and non-threatening way! Seriously, it's awesome! For example, I feel like Kim Kardashian and I are best friends. When she fell asleep in Mexico and got a vicious sunburn in the shape of her sunglasses, I was like "OH KIM GIRL! YOU SO CRAZY!" Oh, what was that? You didn't know Kim Kardashian fell asleep in Mexico with her sunglasses on? Welp, maybe you would if you followed her on Twitter. Do you know what Lauren Conrad had for dinner last night? Lord knows I do. She sent me a picture of the chopped ingredients. Because we're best friends. Via Twitter.

4.) Instant Tech Support! One time I could not for the life of me figure how to set something up for my boss in Outlook and was five minutes away from bursting into tears. I twittered about how Outlook was slowly trying to kill me and within five minutes I had a private message from someone with step-by-step instructions on how to fix my problem. It. Was. Awesome. Had I called my actual tech support guy, I would have wasted half my day listening to him struggle to breathe while craming Cheetos down his gullet and patronizing me for not knowing Outlook like the back of my light saber. I'll never forget you @hdesign.

3.) It's the best procrastination tool ever! Do you know what I do all day at work? I watch old episodes of Dynasty online and twitter screenshots of my favorite ridiculous 80's outfitts and 'staches. That's all I do. If I were just watching Dynasty, I'd probably feel pretty sad about my lot in life. But because Twitter enables me to share with others, I feel like I'm doing something productive with my day. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

2.) Resolves deep seated emotional crises! You know how I'm convinced that if Michael Showalter and I were to talk once, he would instantly fall in love with me? And I missed my opportunity and I've been beating myself up ever since? Well it turns out I was wrong! I followed Michael Showalter on Twitter and sent him that entry and all I got back were crickets! Not even a courtesy follow-back for his #1 fan! And you know what? That's fine. Because now I can sleep at night knowing that if Michael Showalter and I were to talk, he would not fall in love with me. Rather, he would probably shove me and my vat of gumbo into oncoming traffic and have Michael Ian Black kick me while I'm down. And frankly, that is good to know.

1.) Twitter got me laid! Yea, that's right. I got some this past weekend in New York as a direct result of Twitter. And if getting laid isn't a reason to give in to a social fad, then I don't know what is. You see, I was followed by and subsequently followed a gent on Twitter who I thought was totally dreamy sex-bomb hot. And one night after happy hour, via Twitter, I told him as much. He was a pretty good sport about my creepily coming onto him and pretty soon tweets became emails, emails became text messages and text messages became sex. Sorry, but once the shackles of 140 characters of less are broken, things move pretty fast.

So in conclusion: Helena, you need to join Twitter. Because that means I'll probably have sex with you. twitter.com/2birds1blog