Shitty Shitty Bang Bang: it's Recrap Tuesday!

The City
As recapped by Chris

Spoiler alert: Whitney finally realizes she can do better than a dirty, hairy Australian in a Bananarama cover band.

Ok, so maybe that’s not exactly the way things played out on last night’s episode of The City, but I think in time, Whitney Port will agree with me. Whether she realizes it or not, she came out on top on all fronts in this episode. In short: last night, Olivia got her comeuppance for being a total bitch by being a total bitch (how meta is that?), and Jay decides that Whitney isn’t worth the truckloads of woman who will be throwing themselves at him on tour. Newsflash for Jay: You are not Tom Jones; no one is going to be throwing their panties at you on stage.

But enough about The City. I know the only reason you and I are here is to find out what happened this week on:

The Shitty

[scene: the movies. Bro-Talk with Adam and Jay]

Adam: Is it weird that we’re going to the movies together? No, right?

Jay: Of course not. We’re going to see the Watchmen. So it’s normal.

Adam: You mean this isn’t He’s Just Not That Into You?

::pointed stare from Jay::

Adam: …I mean, yea. Watchmen. Cool. So I hear Bananarama’s going on tour, that’s pretty cool. Have you told Whitney?

Jay: No. Is that shady? I’m trying to go about this in the shadiest way possible. How do you think I’m doing?

Adam: Great, but honestly, even I think you should tell Whitney, and you’ve seen how my relationship is going.

[scene: DVF]

Alixe: Just a reminder, Whitney and Olivia do actually work here. And we’re giving you another project to do. Anyone else with a weird name like mine care to chime in?

Emese: Sure. My parents hated me as a kid. Anyway, Whit and Liv, since you worked together so well last week, we’re putting you in charge of handbags.

Whit, thinking to self: Oh great, is Olivia going to steal my ideas again?

Olivia, thinking to self: Oh great, another opportunity to rip off Whitney’s ideas.

Later.

Whit: Ok, so these handbags…what are they trying to say?

Olivia: OMG check out this Nikon Coolpix camera I just got. Ashton has one too.

Whit: Are you not listening to me?

Olivia: What did you say? Look at this picture I just took. This camera is so easy to use.

Whit: Right. Well, fuck you, douchebag.

[scene: Felix]

Whitney: Uh oh.

Jay: What?

Whit: You shaved. You never shave. You must have something serious to talk about.

Jay: Yea, well I’ve got good news and bad news. First let me chug my liquid courage. Now, the good news is: I’m going on tour because getting this exposure from dating you has launched my band onto the Z-list. The bad news: I’ve known for a while and didn’t tell you.

Whit: So you’re leaving in what? 5 days? That gives me no time to be upset about this. Thanks for telling me btdubs.

Jay: What? You don’t trust me?! Fine! Like I need this! I’m just getting really angry as a defense mechanism!

Whit: I’m outtie. Maybe you should call Danielle.

[scene: Whit’s apt]

Whit: ..and OMG I just don’t know if I can trust him, you know? I’ve like given him so much. Like my sense of self-worth, you know? I mean, my hair has gotten less shiny since seeing Jay, am I right?

Erin: No. Totally. That’s legit. I don’t have much else to say except for “OMG” and “You’re so right”. By the way, do you like my Native American inspired earrings?

Whit: Let’s go out to dinner tonight with Allie and that other girl and I’ll tell you this story again.

Erin: Ok great! Will there be tequila?

Whit: No, but my hair will look like I just woke up and it’s Sunday and I’m in my jammies.

Later at Fig & Olive.

…so Jay is like I’m going on tour and I’m so pissed. This is just the worst.

Allie: You haven’t really been single in New York. It is the place to be single.

(Ed. note: Scoff.)

Sam: I’m so glad I have one line this episode.

Erin: Totally. You need to get out there, Whit, and get your freak on.

[scene: DVF]

Whit: OMG, I’m so nervous. Aren’t you nerv?

Liv: No. Last time we did this, I did nothing at got all the credit. I’m just trying to think of it as a project that we were given and there are a lot of people.

Whit: ….So you’re coping strategy is to think of it as exactly what it is? Yea, good luck with that.

Later.

Whit: So this line is really the focal point of our collection. Versatility without being cumbersome. Basically, this is the best presentation ever, so suck on that everyone. And now here’s Olivia.

Olivia: Right. So..there are a multiplitude of things I want to say, but I’m just going to stutter and then smile. Strategery.

[scene. Whit’s apt]

Jay: You haven’t talked to me since you left me at dinner.

Whit: Yea, maybe there’s a reason for that jackass.

Jay: I don’t want to feel like I’m always doing something wrong. Or at least that you know I’m always doing something wrong. Blah blah I’m getting angry at you again to deflect your problems.

Whit: Listen, I’m not dumb. That’s why I’m growing out my blond hair. I don’t want to be a burden to you.

Jay: ::cutting onions:: I just need to be by myself…and with any girls that throw themselves at me on tour.

Whit: Ugh, can I get you a tissue? You’re so ugly when you cry.

Jay: Welp, I’m gonna go.

Whit: Finally. I mean, aw shucks. Welp, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I mean, I’m sad about this.

Fin.