Seriously, Snuggie. Behave yourself.

Although I've already expressed the burning hatred I harbor for the Snuggie and all those who deem it "funny" or "good" idea, I'm going to address it again. During my first anti-Snuggie tirade at Thanksgiving dinner (when I dropped f-bombs left and right and called my sister less of a human being for wanting one,) I was reacting solely to the stupidity of the concept of a Snuggie. Four months later, I'm offended by so much more than just the concept. It has become this incredibly complex metaphor for why I hate society and why I will always be unsuccessful in life.

Why I Hate the Snuggie: An Analytical Essay

• On the primary level, the Snuggie basically offends me because it's just a genuinely fucking stupid idea. If I could go on a college lecture tour discussing and dissecting the various (and valid) points I could make about why it's a genuinely fucking stupid idea, I would quit my job and do so. Because I've expanded on why I think it's a genuinely fucking stupid idea before, I'll nutshell it for you: The act of snuggling involves grasping a blanket with two hands, pulling the blanket over you resulting in a "fortress of warmth" created over and around your body; sleeves break said barrier and negate the need for the action of cuddling into the blanket, which is what makes snuggling snuggling in the first place. As a corollary, if you eliminate these subtle nuances of snuggling, you eliminate all elements of romanticism as well. At it's very core, the Snuggie is just unnecessary, unflattering and serves as an example of our country's corporate predatory mindset which takes advantage and exploits our economical fears by marketing frivolous expenses as helpful, if not necessary, purchases to gain fiscal responsibility.

• On the secondary level, I'm offended that people are beginning to publicly wear the Snuggie. New York Times reporter Allen Salken recently wrote an article about his experience wearing a Snuggie out and around New York City because the Snuggie commercial says it's "great for the outdoors." You, sir, are a fucking moron and this article was a flagrant waste of ink, paper and pixels. As even Salken recognizes, the Snuggie commercial shows a family wearing Snuggies at an outdoor sporting event as well as camping to illustrate that the product is "great for the outdoors." They clearly meant that the Snuggie is a great blanket alternative for the outdoors. So in instances where it would be appropriate for one to wear a blanket outdoors, the Snuggie suggests that you instead wear a Snuggie. If this is the case, then why are people trying to wear Snuggies publicly when a blanket would not be appropriate? This isn't the Snuggie people's fault, it's society's fault (New York Times reporters included) for being dumb as fuck. Salken walked around the city streets, rode the subway, went ice skating and went to a bar all while wearing the Snuggie. Now I ask you sir, when in any of those instances would it be appropriate to wear a full blanket? "Oh, well, I mean you get cold ice skating, I can understand wanting to wrap something warm around yourself!" Congratulations, you just invented the pashmina, scarf and wrap. Need sleeves? Put on a jacket, asshole.

But Salken isn't the only person idiotic enough to take the Snuggie's claims literally and step out in one, idiots are gathering in masses to go on Snuggie pub crawls! What in the fuckity fuck is going on here?! I would love for someone to explain the point behind this one to me. Why would someone (who's not homeless) ever wear a blanket at a bar? They wouldn't. So why are you wearing a Snuggie? And likewise, why would you walk to and fro the bars in a blanket? You wouldn't. You'd wear a jacket. So why are you fucking wearing a god damn Snuggie? Now, I love me a good pub crawl, please don't get me wrong. And I've worn some interesting things on said crawls in my day including, but not limited to, a slutty pirate costume, so please don't think I'm too pretentious to "get it." I get it. "It's" just fucking stupid. I can only justify the Snuggie pub crawl phenomena as an easy way for douche bags to meet other douche bags in their area. It's like the 20-something equivalent to the lame frat at your school having a mixer with the fat chick sorority. And it wasn't cool then and it's not cool now.

• Finally, on a tertiary level, I am offended by what the Snuggie phenomena says about our society. Our society rewards stupidity, and the Snuggie is just another brick in the wall. Jessica Simpson can't figure out if she's eating chicken or tuna, so her career is reborn? Paris Hilton is essentially a human blow-up doll and she doubles her inheritance? A couple of stoners are sitting around high as cats, too lazy to take their arms out from underneath their blanket to grab the bong and, what, a couple of millionaires are made and the Snuggie phenomenon born?! It's infuriating! Why do we reward such stupidity?! And on a selfish personal note, this whole Snuggie situation is just a microcosm for why I will always be unsuccessful. Look at this blog. I stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning five times a week to produce substantial content on a daily basis. Where has this gotten me? Tired! But slap some in "Engrish" on a picture of a cat stuck ass backwards in a fridge or create a blog for stupid spoiled whores to vent about not getting a new handbag for sucking cock and BADA-BING-BADA-BOOM----INSTANT BOOK DEAL! That's not hard work, that's stupidity, and why oh why do we reward such stupidity? Did you know that my sister has both a Snuggie and a Slanket? What in the fuckity fuck is going on in this world!?!!

...I feel like my T-cells are on fire from writing this entry. I'll be curled up in a little ball on the floor rocking gently if you need me.