Recrap Tuesdays: Season Finale!

The City
As Recapped by Chris

Welp I never thought this time would come, but it’s finally here. The season finale of The City. And how fitting that the last thing I see from this season is the production company name: Done and Done. Which is exactly how I feel about this show. While I have thoroughly enjoyed writing these recaps for you fine people, I’m sure you will agree when I say sometimes more happened on The Shitty than what happened on the actual show. I will say, however, that I thoroughly enjoyed this season finale.

So Meg had asked since it’s the season finale, will I be switching things up, and I figure, Hell, might as well go big or go home. And I sure as shit don’t want to go home yet. So after the season finale of The Shitty, I’m going to make a few predictions for next season, which I may or may not recap. Let’s get to it shall we?

The Shitty

[scene: DVF]

Alixe: Blah blah Fashion Week blah blah London blah blah Isn’t my name so weird? Go pull some looks for something or other. Gosh, don’t you feel like all I ever tell you to do is pull looks.

Later.

Olivia: Alixe really does kind of tell us to pull looks all the time. What’s wrong? The producers tell me to ask you why you look sad.

Whit: It’s just Jay and everything going on in my life is really overwhelming. And…

Liv: Whoa there. It was a pity question, and I’m pretty sure it was rhetorical. I don’t care, I never will care, and I think the fact that you fell for it is pretty amateur. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got your job to sabotage.

Whit: ….What pah fuck?

[scene: One Mgmt.]

Erin on GChat but pretending to be working. Enter Adam stage left.

Adam: Psst. Erin.

Erin: Hi Adam, what’s up? How did you get in here? Isn’t there a security guard downstairs? Is it National No One Do Their Job Day today?

Adam: I smiled at him. He let me in. Regardless, do you mind if we go stand in that vacant room, I have something I want to yell, I mean say to you.

Erin: Sure, what’s going on?

Adam: Listen stay the eff out of my life. You don’t know me, you don’t know what I do. I’ve had Allie fooled for all of this time and then all of a sudden you come waltzing into our lives and suddenly she suspects something is up. And who are you to talk about morality, since you are currently sleeping with the entire bartending staff of Brother Jimmy’s.

Erin: Wow. You raise excellent and accurate points. However, for the sake of arguing, I’m going to get defensive and mad at you in return.

Adam: Fine!

Erin. Fine!

[scene: Whit’s apt]

Whit calls LC who is offstage

LC: Hello? I have no idea who is calling me since my usual camera crew has been replaced with guys wearing hats that say The City on them.

Whit: Hey LC, it’s me.

LC: Are you ok? You sound sick?

Whit: No, I’m not sick. Are you ok? You sound like you have a moustache. Things aren’t working out here and I think moving to the city was a mistake. I figured having MTV film and finance my move out here things would be easier.

LC: It’s not a mistake. You signed a contract. You can’t come back here. Oh and also: boys…ergh. Who needs em, right? Oo that’s my call waiting; Doug’s calling. Laterzzzzz.

[scene: Erin’s apt]

Erin: So WTF Allie, Adam yelled at me at work. I mean, he said some valid things, like not to meddle but I’m going to anyway.

Allie: Hmm…good point. You’re right. I should go talk to him.

Erin: That is in no way what I was saying. Hello? He yelled at me.

[scene: DVF show at Fashion Week]

London rep whose name I forget: Hello non-important people I was told to speak to. Say, which one of you pulled the –

Olivia: It was me! I did! Me! I also used to live in London!

Whit: ::under breath:: OMG get over yourself.

Later.

Whit: So..about the Elle cover..

Olivia: Yea, we did a great job working together. You’re really doing mediocre here! You should be proud.

Whit: Whoa, I pulled that look.

Olivia: Right. That’s what I said, you chose the shorts no one could see because the jacket I picked was covering them.

Whit: No, I picked the look. The whole look. And you took credit for it. You’re a bitch.

Olivia: Silly me, I thought I picked the look. No seriously, I’ll go tell someone right now…that it was my idea and I should go to London.

Whit: What was that?

Olivia: Oh nothing. Mr. London Rep!!

Later at the after-party.

Whitney sits forlornly on sofa. Enter DVF from Heaven stage right.

DVF: Aren’t I amazing? And so wise? It’s a good thing MTV pays me well to pretend like I know or care what’s going on in your life? Now talk to me.

Whit: Well, things suck basically.

DVF: Pish posh. None of that. (Ed. note: At this juncture DVF gives Whitney some of the most sound advice I have ever heard out of a human being and I love her even more for that. There is nothing I can say about it except that I am considering getting it tattooed up and down my arm in Olde English.)

[scene: Il Bastardo]

Allie: Yo, you show to my friend’s work. I show up at yours. That’s how I roll. What do you love?

Adam: You. I’ve only ever loved you. You’re my penguin. I want to grow old with you and take you to bingo night and I’ll never ever again do anything to hurt you. Ever. I love you honey.

Allie: Oh. Ok. Done.

Meanwhile back at the DVF party.

Alixe: Olivia, we decided to give you the London position as this show needs some more dramatic tension between you and Whitney. Congrats!

Olivia: Great! Thanks! Let me go rub this in Whitney’s face…I mean let her down gently. Yo Whit, get over here you dumb blonde bitch. I got the job. Sucker. I’m leaving for London. Oh is this a bad time?

Whitney: Yup. Whitney sucker punches Olivia. Jay calls Whitney, she leaves to speak with him.

Jay: I went on tour, and I realized that without your show to promote my band, I haven’t got a snowball’s chance in Hell at doing anything. So…I love you?

Whit: That sucks. I did love you. But then I looked at you in broad daylight and I realized that you’re pretty much a scumbag. And I can do better. Also, the Great DVF appeared to me and made me realize that I have to work on my relationship with myself, so peace.

The End?

All in all, I’m happy with it. Whitney did the right thing I feel, because it would have been supes easy getting sucked back into a relay with Jay just because he said those magic words.

So what is going to happen on next season of The City. Well, if you’ve become as adept as I have at reading the signs (read: you watched the show once and realized how predictable it can be) I think we can pretty much map out the next season

1. Olivia and Whitney’s beef was not resolved. This means that it will come back to haunt Olivia, causing her to completely fuck up the London job. She’ll then come back to New York bitter, take it out on Whitney at work, get drunk at a dive bar in the Village with Nevan, where they will “accidentally” make out. (Come on, he’s just her first cousin. First you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins…)

2. Adam used the phrase “never, ever” re: his past actions. Clearly, he and Jay will go out to get Jay drunk enough to forget he let Whitney slip through his greasy hair fingers. Adam will make eyes at a go-go dancer, bring her home, only later to realize that she is a he. Erin has this all on camera, plays the tape for Allie, thereby destroying their relationship.

3. Erin made a friend at work her first day, who has yet to resurface. At the office St. Patrick’s Day party, after one too many sips of sizzyrup (we all know how Erin loves her tequila), when he is completely black out and she realizes he has a pulse and a penis, they will make out furiously for two hours, until he remembers he’s gayer than Ugly Betty’s little brother. Erin is inordinately crushed by this and quits One Management to go back to unofficially styling.

4. Olivia goes to London. Clearly a new social climbing bitch is needed for Olivia’s absence, so MTV, in a strange fiction/non-fiction crossover casts Blair Waldorf, as many viewers won’t be able to tell the difference.

5. Jay’s broken heart. Jay’s heart will remain broken for about three minutes post the season finale, until ex-gf Danielle starts to reappear in NYC mysteriously at every bar or club Jay patronizes.

6. Whitney. Contractually obligated to stay in NYC, Whitney decides to reconnect with male model Alex. They date for a few months, until Whitney realizes that Alex is a total douchebag. She meets with Kelly Cutrone for advice, who delivers on the advice front, but then sets her up with another model. At work, with Olivia out of the picture, Whitney gets more responsibility and Alixe and Emese realize they have ridiculous names they chose the wrong girl for the London job, and compensate by making better use of Whitney’s talents.