First you took my people's land and now you take my Facebook profile?!

God damnit! After I harassed you all to be my BFF on Facebook, old Mark "The Shnozz" Zuckerberg deleted my account:

Come on Zuckerberg...what did I ever do to you? You have billions of dollars and I have...dozens of dollars.

Facebook deleted my account because I "misrepresented myself" by using a fake name, which violates the terms of agreement. In my defense: oh-pshh-ah! That giant box of six-point-circus-type could have said I do hereby decree to wear a onesie and carry one of those ye-old-timey lollipops around for the rest of my life and I wouldn't have a fucking clue. If there is actually anybody out there who seriously reads the entirety of internet terms of agreement, I will give you a thousand dollars in cash and a solid high-five. It's seriously laughable to me that the act of checking a little box, while wearing my Jack Daniel's pajama pants, laying in bed, using my little laptop with my Seth Meyers Gap ad wallpaper can be considered a binding legal contract. It's on par with the contract in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Whatever happened to the days of signing in blood? Back when contracts were a gentleman's sport and a signature meant something.

I didn't even know Facebook took fake names so seriously...what with being Facebook friends with Zack Morris and Carl Winslowe and all. And where were the Facebook gestapo sophomore year when Helena made a fake profile for Ted Kennedy with the AIM screen name "iKilledAhooker"? Nothing about that profile tipped you off, Zuckerberg? Were you slightly surprised when you didn't get a news feed update on inauguration day saying, "Ted Kennedy is totes seizin' up to the geezin' up"? (Oh my God I'm so sorry. I love that silver fox water buffalo until the day I die! Although the day he dies will probably come first. Gah! I'm sorry, it just keeps coming! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! God Damnit!!!)

Oh, and let's not pretend you're too good to be used for promotional purposes, Facebook. You sunk that ship the day you decided to let any Tom, Dick or Mark the Molester join sans college email address, free to hide behind their shadowy blue silhouette default picture. (The question mark had more class.)

Because it's in my nature to find the sneaky and slightly dishonorable way out of a sticky situation (oh me! I'm a wily one!), I decided to send the following sternly worded email to Facebook's disabled profiles department to appeal:

To Whom it May Concern:

I am curious why my Facebook page was flagged and deleted. I did not have any offensive material, nor is my Native American name, Twobirds, a "fake name" which "misrepresents my affiliation."

I would like to think that in this day and age, people would be more sensitive to Native Americans and our everyday plight.

- Twobirds O-neblog

I then got an auto-response saying that the Facebook team thanks me for my inquiry and will get back to me soon...which they never did. I guess I deserve that.

So, my super-networking-seriously-trying-to-grow-my-readership thing lasted a whole weekend, which given my attention span is pretty impressive. Oh wellz. Back to strategizing how I'm going to bring back pogs!