Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 6: Recapped by Chris
Remember 10 years ago how idealistically you thought about what your adult life would be like? How you’d be living in the fabulous city of your choosing, with an amazing job, a hot boyfriend/girlfriend who loved you and you had amazing sex with, and a social life that never stopped? Unfortunately, as anyone reading this blog is well aware, life post-college is hardly ever what you expected. That’s why God created “the twenty-something years,” a time for us all to figure out how to get from awkward teenagers to well-adjusted thirty-somethings who can function in society.

Normally, when I recap The City for you, I think “Wow, that’s what my life in The City is supposed to be like? Man, I am doing this all wrong.” But last night’s was refreshing, because it seemed to me as though our cast of beautiful people was having some growing pains of their own. So in order to help them, and by proxy, help you, I’ve come up with this incredibly complex and intelligent formula to determine precisely what age Leggy McBlonde and friends are at in their lives currently.
The City is So High School It Makes The Breakfast Club Look Like a Knitting Circle

• Allie Eyebrows and Adam’s fight in the street reeks of a fight you would have with your boyfriend/girlfriend in the hallway outside of the gym at your Spring Fling because he/she found out you circled “Maybe” on the “Do you like me?” note that cute guy/girl passed you in Alegbra.

• Whitney and Jay fighting because of Adam and Allie’s fight. Because your friends actions are a direct reflection of your own? Only in high school pregnancy pacts, Whitney.

• Adam’s forgiveness plea to Allie? “I’ll never lie to you” is something you say when you’re naive and don’t realize how long never actually is.

• As much as I hate agreeing with Olivia, did Whitney really need to fill her in on her friends’ drama before H.Waldorf actually meets them?

• Deciding to tell Eyebrows “the truth.” This does not make things better. Everyone ideally “would want to know” if it happened to them, but in practice, ignorance is bliss.

• Then the way shit went down. Cat slowly gravitated over, then stood with her back to Allie, until Brows got the balls (read: booze) enough to talk. Meanwhile, every other girl who knows what’s up is studying their shoes in silence.

• Also, could MTV’s editors be more gossipy without actually saying anything? For instance, the cutting of Bro-Talk with Adam and Jay where Jay asks Adam if anything actually happened. Instead of a yes or no response, we get 10 seconds of silence and Adam and Jay avoiding each other’s eyes.

Who Said Graduation Meant College Was Over?

• Best exchange of the episode:


Erin: “Wait..Sammy and Cat and then Adam and Allie are gonna be there?”
Whit: “Yup.”
Erin: “Is it open bar?”

• Erin, I love you more each episode.

• I don’t think tequila is the preferred beverage at a gallery opening, Jay.

• Cat and Sam, who are giving Jay a run for his money on the I’m-only-semi-attractive-when-the-sun-goes-down front, thinking that Cat’s gigantic nose is going to come between the power couple. I think these two are in that special period of their life before you realize what beer goggles are.

If I Am Drinking Wine at a Bar, That Means I’m an Adult, Right?

• Seriously, Adam is always ordering wine at bars. Is this a quirk that all male models have?

• Adam’s hair also deserves mention. First, he’s an 80s powerbroker, then a sleazy car salesman. How about you keep a haircut that’s age-appropriate?

• When Olivia shows her true colors (finally!!) and flat out tells Whitney she doesn’t want to hear about her friends’ bullshit. Nothing like some honesty about who you are as a person.

• Nevan also had a special moment when he exposes the yellowed underarm of his T-shirt to the world. I believe he represents that point in your life where you just stop caring what you look like.

• On a personal note, Nevia reminded me of Statler and Waldorf of the Muppets fame. They always have shit to say, none of which is positive, on stuff they barely participate in.

Based on highly intensive calculations and logic, Whit and friends are in their first semester, where you can’t quite shake those old high school habits, but you desperately want more Busch Lite, even if you hooked up with a cave creature whilst under the influence last week. Except for Adam, who could very well be Benjamin Button, a 75-year-old man with the body of a 23-year old.


Bromance
Episode 5: "Little Jeans, Big Hearts"
I'm going to put something out there. You can pick it up and take it with you, or you can leave it on the table and walk away. It really doesn't matter to me. Tonight's episode of Bromance was...legitimately funny television. And I say that without a hint of irony. Not even a teaspoon of snark. I laughed out loud numerous times and didn't write any show notes while watching because I was honest-to-God too busy enjoying myself. Hell! I might watch this episode online again sometime in the near future should I need a good laugh.

Mr. Jenner; hats off to you sir. I was unsure about this show in the beginning, but your masterpiece approaches the fine line between moronic, vapid, self-promotion and substantive comedic television and dances on it. And that dance is a beautiful Viennese Waltz, sir. You are a King among men, Samuel Brody Jenner.

Tonight's episode is all about finding out which Bro can cut through the bullshit of Hollywood and be a true friend to Brody. In order to do this, the Bros will have to rock the red carpet "all up in his" new line of "ugly ass jeans" that Brody has told them is part of the new Jenner Jeans collection. (I like how I'm using quotation marks so liberally to make myself feel intellectually superior to Brody Jenner, when in reality this is exactly how I talk everyday.)

Of course this whole Jenner Jeans nonsense is just a big prank to see if anyone will have the balls to tell Brody that he looks like a flaming jackass and should ditch the Jenner Jeans. It's pretty hilarious. The jeans themselves look like a sixth grade girl's Lisa Frank binder threw up all over them. They're heavily bedazzled, ultra-lowrise, insanely tight and feature a glittery "BJ" prominently on the butt. But before they can hit the red carpet, the Bros go to a spa for some manscaping. Alex gets his chest waxed because, well, as Brody points out, it's just really funny to watch a guy get his chest waxed.

Later, Femi is the only Bro to confront Brody about how horrible his jeans are, but then decides to be there for his homie and wear them on the red carpet anyway. The Bros whore out the jeans pretty well, striking kung-fu poses and talking to the press about how much they just lahhv their BJ's! At one point, E!'s Ted Casablanca asks to see Femi's butt to which Femi swivels around, sticks out his booty and shouts to Ted, "CRACK ISN'T WHACK, SON!" Seriously...amazing.

The next night's challenge is to have a one-on-one chat with Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole (who Brody is actually dating). I like this challenge because it's basically Brody Jenner being like, "let's see who can talk to my girlfriend for five minutes without busting a load in his pants." Little Chris, the Token Asian, ends up winning the challenge and gets to hang in a hot tub with Jayde and Playboy's Miss October. Remember that scene in Sixteen Candles when Ted gets to drive Jake Ryan's dad's Rolls Royce around with the Homecoming Queen passed out in the front seat? It was kind of like that, but in water.

Later over a sushi dinner, Brody has to decide between eliminating Alex or Luke. I don't know why this is such a big deal because they're basically the same person, one's Boston accent is just slightly thicker than the other. Brody likes them both a lot (thus proposing that Pip should come back just to kick him off again,) but has to choose between them because Alex and Luke have a very strong Bromance going on themselves. Brody decides to eliminate Alex (with the less offensive Boston accent) and the show closes with a montage of Alex and Luke's most bromantic moments. ACES TEN!