Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 3: Recapped by Chris
Last night’s episode of The City was all about “The L Word” and while I’m sure all of your faithful 2b1b readers want to see Whitney get hot and steamy with Olivia (Whivia? Olitney?), unfortunately that “L word” is not lesbians. I’ll give you three guesses but you’ll probably only need one. Clearly we’re talking here about love; mainly whether Whitney and Jay do or ever will have that. Compared to Erin and her new Toronto boyfriend Duncan, our girl Whit is feeling less than stellar about her relationship with Jay. Since Erin and Duncan are canoodling and playing the guitar (oooo steamy!), they must be in love. Poor Whitney is all “OMG I’m so third wheel. Laterz.” Can you really blame her? Sure cuddling is innocent enough, but Whit’s been sleeping on Erin’s couch so I’m sure she hears other aspects of Erin’s relay. Hint: it’s not more guitar lessons.

So Whitney is on the hunt for an apartment. Or rather she roped Jay into hunting for her. That shit must be love, because New York apartment hunting is a bitch and I don’t want to have to do that for myself, let alone for someone I’m only sort of seeing. Regardless, at the DVF online catalog shoot, Whitney fills Olivia in on her apartment search plans, and Olivia offers the quintessential apartment search advice “Don’t settle on the first one you see.” But Whitney probs missed that comment when Jay called her to tell her he found an apartment for her. Whitney bounces early to see this amazing apt Jay found. And it is pretty amaymay: corner unit, floor to ceiling windows, hardwood floors, balcony, 30^th floor. There are few things I wouldn’t do for an apartment like that. The leasing agent, who may be the L word after all, judging by that pants suit, tells Whitney there is competition for this apt. No shit, this is NYC, and apartments last about as long as Tyra Banks’ singing career. Lucky for Whit, MTV worked their magic for the apartment (and Whitney’s legs worked some magic on the leasing agent) and she finds out she got the apt the next day at work.

But back to “the L word.” Erin and Duncan had such a great time at Brass Monkey that they each dropped the L bomb. However, when Erin tells Whitney and Jay about it, we find that there are two camps of love here: Erin thinks you should say it when you feel it, even if you’ve been dating for all of 2 seconds and your bfry lives in Toronto, and Jay doesn’t want to throw that word around lightly. Whitney must be thinking “Dammit Jay! I’m hot! You like me! Now put a ring on it!” But she just smiles and nods, because she not contractually obligated to punch a wall until at least season two.

Our brief Nevia cameo (seriously guys, get real friends) of the episode is kind of sad, as the two have nothing better to talk about than some lame anecdote about Nevan’s life and Whitney’s apartment hunt and how pissed Olivia is that Whitney didn’t take her advice. However, Nevan did say that NY girls are cutthroat and evil and who would know better than Olivia. I do hope this is some intense foreshadowing, because the boredom of Heidi Waldorf and art boy cousin are taking years off my life.

We close on Whitney and Jay having the dreaded relationship talk. Whitney is all “I don’t want to call you my bfry…unless that’s what you want.” which is just clever speak for “Please let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend and skip through Central Park together!” But Jay counters with the long version of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” He does assures her however that he wants to get to know her better. Real reassuring, Justin Bobby Jay. So Jay diffuses the situation with a smile and a “We’re on the right page then?” All Whitney wants is to be in a relationship on Facebook with you, Jay. I guess she’ll have to settle for “It’s Complicated with Jay Lyon.”

Take me out, Beyonce.

Bromance
Episode 2: Bro-Athon
First and foremost I want to state for the record that the way Brody Jenner says his "l's" makes me uncomfortable. There's sort of this dainty Latino touch. Everytime he says "L.A." I have a flashback of watching Selena in my seventh grade Spanish class.

I digress. The second episode of Bromance begins with a call from Brody telling the boys to put on a pair of tennis shoes and get ready to have some fun. It's time for a Bro-Athon! The overall objective of the Bro-Athon is for Brody to see how competitive these boys are, but also to see if they can have fun with whatever he throws at them. I get that. Sometimes I drop my friends off in a bad neighborhood blindfolded and wait for them to make it home, just to keep them sharp. And if they don't return with a smile and a good story...consequences.

Event 1 of the Bro-Athon is the Lazy Boy Slalom. This consists of strapping oneself into a Lazy Boy recliner and rolling down a steep hill while trying to grab a remote control, a drink and a pizza box placed in the middle of the road. Most of the Bros fall over and hurt themselves. I guess it's funny. Femi compares his performance to that of a tiger. That morning he had already compared himself to Sammy Davis Jr. and a lion. 50 bucks says next he compares himself to Frank Sinatra and a unicorn.

After Luke is crowned the Lazy Boy Slalom winner, Brody asks Gary (aka Pip from Lord of the Rings) what kind of dance he teaches. Upon hearing that he teaches hip-hop, Brody proposes a dance-off between Pip and Femi. Femi stars talking some whack shit about Pip and the Asian kid comes to Pip's defense and talks some shit back. Brody has a private temper tantrum because he's not into this "fighting crap." Then he gets all zen on us and says, "the real loser, is the one with the bad attitude." Wax on, wax off.

Round 2 is a little something called Bro Your Boat. Brody watches the Bros work in groups of two to create a raft out of blow-up dolls tied together by lingerie to see how well they can work together. Again, that's completely normal. One time I made my friends construct a mini-golf putter out of vibrators held together with scrunchies to watch their beautiful friendship synergy in action. And to improve my mini-golf game.

Luke and Jered win.

The Bro-Athon concludes with the Bro-MX. The Bros have to ride bikes built for small girls over BMX hills and do a five barrel jump. The Bro who jumps the most barrels wins. This is all obviously because Brody is looking for a friend with balls. A friend who is willing to do something even if it's kind of dangerous. This is my favorite segment thanks to Chris F. the nerdy Asian kid. Chris F. wipes out in a big way and only makes it one foot and three inches across the barrel jump. "You wanna know what else is one foot, three inches?" the Asian asks the camera, "MAH DICK!" If I were Brody Jenner, I would have stopped the competition right then and there and rode off into the sunset with that bottle-cap-glasses-wearing-Asian. Oh and Alex wins.

Later that night, Brody has the Bros over for some one-on-one time, Bachelor style. I'm not kidding. There's a fire pit, candles, drinks, soft music in the background and lots of heart wipes to transition from scene to scene. Apparently fire pit + candles + Brody Jenner = CRY FEST '09!

Femi and Brody's one-on-one was the absolute most confusing thing I have ever seen. Brody asks Femi "what he's been through in life" and all of a sudden there are tears rolling down Femi's face as he begins to explain some traumatic life experience. But Femi's voice sounds like he's talking about buying toilet paper, not like he's talking about something single-tear-down-cheek-worthy. Femi goes on to tell some asinine story about how he once got suspended from school. The tears continue to stream down his cheeks and neither Brody nor Femi react to these tears. I'm so confused. 1.) Femi's not even blinking let alone talking like he's choked up, is he aware that he's crying? 2.) I can't believe his Boyz in da Hood story is about getting suspended from school and having to go to a hearing. That's not cry worthy. Maybe he wasn't crying? Were his eyes sweating? WTF?

Later, Pip admits to Femi that he told Brody that Femi isn't being true to himself. Femi flips out (specifically screaming "You contradicted yourself. YOU ARE FEMALE! THAT IS A FEMALE TRAIT!...L0Lz) and Pip feels so badly that he has himself a good cry alone on the balcony.

Chris P. cries because he 100% fucked up his one-on-one time with Brody when he brings up Brody's bad relationship with his father, admits he's here to meet LC, tries to recover and ends up calling LC a ho and then accidentally spills his drink all over Brody. Standing ovation, sir.

Jared cries because he moved to Orlando and his family hasn't visited him yet.

I cry because I can't believe there's still 20 minutes left in this show.

Some drama, yelling, getting drunk, hangovers, puking, squashing of beef all occur. Blah, blah, blah, I want to hear the Asian kid talk about his dick again.

This episode's elimination takes place on a party boat. DAMNIT! I was really feeding off of the awkward energy from last week's hot tub! In the end Chris P. gets kicked off because he can't open up to Brody. He has to sail a little dingy back to Kentucky. This episode was weak and Brody Jenner and I are in a fight because I can't believe I stayed up this late to watch that horseshit. Thank God for the Asian kid...that was this episode's only saving grace.