An Annotated Anthology of Awkward

One of my defining characteristics has always been that I'm "charmingly awkward." Charmingly awkward just means that means I've come to terms with the fact that I'm awkward and frequently find myself in awkward situations, but said awkwardness doesn't interfere with being able to function in society on a daily basis (for the most part). Well, tonight I was feeling a bit nostalgic and decided to read the LiveJournal I kept in college. I thought my emo little Internet journal would be full of rich and compelling entries about growing up, finding myself, discovering what I wanted to do with my life and the like. Instead, my journal is basically an anthology of awkwardness. I feel like at least 70% of my entries end with one of the following: "God I'm so awkward," "God my life is awkward," or "I am so painfully awkward."

Here are some choice excerpts:

• In college writing this morning we had a round table discussion that I was not having. Instead I decided to fantasize about watching Golden Girls and eating a delicious bagel with Helena, Caitlin and Allie after class...because the only reason I go to college writing is to get a bagel on the way back. Anyways, apparently I was thinking about how sweet my bagel would be when people started counting off 1 through 5 as a means of assigning groups for some activity we had to do. So then all of a sudden I'm hearing "1,2,3,4" and then everyone is looking at me and I had to be like "uhhh...how high are we counting here?" and my professor was like ".....5. You are 5." God I'm awkward.

• Yesterday I had a total Tommy Boy moment. I got out of Religion early because we had a test, so I was going to jet over to Hurst to drop a paper off that was due in a half an hour. So I walk up the marble stairs to the old doors and I was tugging on them and it wouldn't open and I was like "SHIT! THEY LOCKED 'EM!" I was pacing back and forth wondering what I was going to do. Finally I just walked away and then these construction workers were like "MISS, YOU JUST HAVE TO PUSH THE DOOR NOT PULL!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!" I was like "oh...hah...thanks." Awkward.

• I was so tired this morning. When I was getting coffee before class, instead of pouring the cream into my coffee and throwing the empty container in the trashcan, I poured the cream in the trashcan and then dropped the container into my coffee. A janitor laughed at me. God I'm awkward...

• I fell asleep in class today but snapped back awake when my head did that dozing off thing. I went to chug some coffee and didn't realize my mouth was no where near the opening...so I just put the cup up to my mouth and leaned back and poured coffee all over myself. Ugh, awkward.

• Today I was writing my paper and listening to my itunes and I double clicked the song "Bootylicious" and a window popped up that said "WARNING: YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT AUTHORIZED TO PLAY "BOOTYLICIOUS" I died laughing because all I could think of was "Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? Meg's computer, can you handle this? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE AUTHORIZED TO HANDLE THIS, WOOOOOOOO!" ...Sorry. That was awkward. [note: It's a whole other level of special when you can make it awkward with yourself in your own personal journal.]

• My dorm phone has been broken for a really long time [note: dorm phones?! How archaic!] Some old guy was just banging on my door. I freaked out thinking it's the guy that's going around harassing girls on my floor, but it turns out he's here to fix our phone. Finally! The only problem is that I have Golden Girls on and he keeps stopping to watch it for extended periods of time. He's like openly laughing out loud at it. I really have to take a shower now, but I don't want to prance around in my robe for him.Ugh, I don't want to awkwardly ask him to stop watching Golden Girls and fix my phone and get out of my dorm....This sucks.

• I forgot to bring a jewel case for the CD that my design project is on. So what do I use to protect my CD? A ZIPLOCK BAG WITH LITTLE BITS OF CRUNCHED GOLDFISH CRACKERS AT THE BOTTOM I FOUND IN MY MESSENGER BAG FROM GOD ONLY KNOWS WHEN. Who the fuck does that? And then to compensate, I wrote "sorry about the bag" on it, but I forgot the "y" in the word sorry. So I had to draw a little carrot and a y, making myself look like an even bigger asshole. So now I'm that girl who came into class 20 minutes late the first day, who's computer is never connected to the server and who presented her first project in a ziplock bag with bits of goldfish crackers and "sorr about the bag" scrawled on it. I am so fucking awkward. [note: I damn near had a panic attack remembering this incident. The next time our class met, the professor (whom I had such a huge crush on) held up the bag in front of the entire class and delivered a five-minute lecture on how disrespectful I was and how designers who don't take pride in their deliverable should change their major. I have never felt so stupid in my entire life. I went back to my dorm room and cried my fucking eyes out. Oh my God.]

• This morning I remembered that I was freak dancing with Danielle's Big's boyfriend at formal Saturday night and he randomly asked me what my favorite letter is. Regrettably, I answered with "DUH, it's R" He asked why, to which I responded "because RRRRRrrrraaaaaaarrrrarrrrr" whilst doing a sexual cheetah-clawing motion at him...awkward.

• I seriously am the most awkward person alive. I should not be allowed to interact with people. For one of my rolls of film, I took a picture of these two puppets my dad brought back from Thailand. I had just made a test of the contact sheet with those pictures on it when in swoops the fabulous Iwan [legendary hip photo professor at AU] with his fabulous Gucci shoes and matching belt all- "Darling, let me see that." So I hand him my contact sheet all nervous like. He sees the picture of the Thai dolls and goes: "Ohh! You have Asian parents?? You were adopted, that's FAHHHBULOUS!" My response: "...Yes. Yes I have Asian parents." Iwan: "That is fabulous!" Me: "...Yea, adoptions not bad." WHAT THE HELL?! Who does that?? So he can never meet my parents and/or I'll have to hire Asian actors to be my parents if he ever needs to meet them.

• This morning in Gender in Society, we were discussing "The Glass Escalator" which is when men enter "women's fields" like teaching and get promoted quickly to administrative positions because they are men...patriarchy...matrix of domination...blah blah blah. Anyway, all I could think of was Mr. Feeny from "Boy Meets World" and how he was first their middle school teacher and then followed them to high school and finally was promoted to became a college professor. Mr. Feeny like owned the Glass Escalator. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how hot Eric Mathews was. And how comical Rider Strong's name is, and how odd it is that he's gay. Who knew?! Then I realized why I have an A in the class and a D in participation. So when I was walking to Art of the Renaissance, I was still thinking about my Mr. Feeny-Glass-Escalator-Theory and blatantly tripped and fell flat on my face in the quad, producing a giant cut on my leg, which was bleeding during class. So there I am, bleeding-out in the middle of class trying to take notes and maintain consciousness. Why is my life so awkward?

• [This is a story about doing a design project with a senior designer who I had a crush on when I was a freshman] It was one of those situations where in your head you're thinking, "OMG WHY ARE YOU BEING SO AWKWARD?! THIS IS NOT YOU! SAY SOMETHING BACK TO HIM, HE JUST ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" and all that comes out is "Uhh, yea. Good stuff." I think I said "good stuff" like 80 times. And of all the lame things to say, why "good stuff"?? We later had to relocate to the design lab in McKinley. Once we got there, he used this random-ass back entrance that I didn't know existed. I didn't want him to think that I was some amateur 19 year-old design girl, so I was like err yea I know where I'm going. So we walk in and I head for the left hall and he heads right. Hot Design Boy: "Oh...you go that way?" Me (trying not to star in amateur hour): "Oh yea...all the time. But let's go your way!" Hot Design Boy: "Oh no, I want to see your way, I didn't even know you could go this way." Me (thinking 'oh shit I have no fucking clue where I’m going, this building is a maze'): "Umm okay...follow me!" So I lead him around the building for like 5 minutes not knowing where the hell I'm going. At every intersection he'd go one way and I'd go another and he'd be like "Oh...you can go that way?" until finally he was like "...you don't know where you're going, do you?" ::Meg hangs head in shame:: "That's correct, sir." So. painfully. awkward.

• I awkwardly outed Andrew to our entire comm class today. We were sitting in class at the conference table and Andrew informed everyone that the British Navy is apparently trying to recruit gay men. So I slapped Andrew on the back and said, "HAHA! Looks like you're going to sea Andrew!" He was not thrilled. But that just gets him back for the time we were having lunch with a bunch of people that I didn't know and he chose to break a lull in conversation with "Hey, did you guys know that Meg invented the blow job and now calls it a "Row Job?"

• This morning when I was walking back to my apartment, Scott Kalman (better known as "Sweater Vest Scott") was approaching. We proceeded to (and in COMPLETE synchronization) do the meeting of eyes and slow head-nod to acknowledge each other. However, we did this social ritual faaarr too early. So after we did the head-nod, we were still walking towards each other for about 10 more seconds. And we were both listening to ipods, so we couldn't really do the "How are you?" courtesy conversation to pass the time, so we both just kind of awkwardly kept nodding our heads. It was intensely awkward. And I couldn't help but laugh. Which added to the awkwardasity of the situation. It reminded me of the time over the summer where I ran into Jeremy and we hugged, but he added the courtesy cheek kiss to the mix. I hadn't taken him for the kind of guy who busts out the courtesy cheek kiss, so I didn't reciprocate, instead I thought about how I really didn't take him for a courtesy cheek kisser and then I was like shit, COURTESY CHEEK KISS BACK ASAP! So, a delayed five seconds after our hug was over I was like.......MWAAAA, and kissed him on the cheek, which at that point just seemed like a random and oddly affectionate thing to do to someone I'm not that great of friends with. Awkward.

There's a fine line between quirky and Asperger's. And apparently in college I was flirting with that line. A lot.