Sibling Rivalry: The Slanket (aka Snuggie)

Becca and I got into an oddly heated argument at Thanksgiving dinner over the merit of the Slanket (or Snuggie). If you are unfamiliar with the Slanket please watch the following video to educate yourself immediately.

And now I present to you the 2birds1blog point-counter-point on the Slanket.

BECCA: PRO SLANKET
I am not usually a cold person. I am not petite, I don’t wear long underwear on a regular basis, I do not always have cold hands. However, I have been turned into a cold person by the BF. The BF is a hot person – a shorts-in-the-middle-of-winter person. As such, he keeps his house freezing. In the summer the AC is cranked to 50 degrees and there is a fan in every room. In the winter, all available windows are wide open, the window units are on full blast, and the fans hum away, oblivious to the fact that they should be stuffed in a closet to enjoy a well-deserved break. So when I stay at the BF’s house I am reduced to shivering silently while wearing some oversized sweatshirt, huddled under a tiny blanket that can cover my shoulders OR my feet, but not both. Plus my hands are trapped underneath – how can I enjoy a beer on the couch if I have to keep a blanket covering me up to my nose lest I freeze to death where I sit? I can’t.

So imagine my total surprise when the commercial for the Snuggie came on! Are you there God? It’s me, Becca – and you’ve answered all my prayers! This thing looks AWESOME! Can you imagine how warm and, well, snuggie it is!?! As the commercial listed all the pitfalls of blankets – mostly that they slip and fall and that you can’t use your hands – I nodded in agreement. They commercial didn’t mention drinking while freezing cold as another impossible task to accomplish whilst huddling under a blanket but I know they were thinking it. The commercial went to say that with a Snuggie I CAN use my hands! And unlike that pesky satin throw blanket we all have at home it WON’T slip and fall! Plus I am free to work the remote, use my laptop, or read in total comfort. TOTAL COMFORT! How often is that promised to you? And for $19.95 no less!?

Lets be honest here, the Snuggie (or Slanket) is definitely a bit of a novelty item. That is not to say that it isn’t useful –other novelty items such as Orange Glow, the Magic Shammy, and the Ped-Egg are all useful – but it’s still being marketed via infomercial. When Billy Mays yells at me about something I immediately think less of it. Plus we have to call in and but wait there’s more and … you get my drift. But people, let’s see beyond the cheeseball infomercial crap and look at the product for what it is. Why do we think those “As Seen on TV” stores are so prevalent (Lake Forest Mall, whatup?!)? Because people truly do want these random, funky, ingenious products and if we can buy it in a store the product seems more legitimate. If we don’t have to call to talk to an operator who is standing by we are in control of the sale, and we haven’t been “had” by some company who probably operates out of someone’s den in an Arizona subdivision (you know I’m right) and is selling us pieces of crap. Don’t be such snobs, embrace the operator standing by. Call her, give her your credit card number, thank Dean and Cindy in Arizon for taking the time to create the Snuggie and then share their vision with the world.

The positive points of the Snuggie are simply not arguable. It is made of fleece. Fleece is an undeniably good thing. How many people do you know have spent upwards of $200 on a fleece jacket? Yeah, lots. And they wear them all the time ‘cause they’re so warm and comfy. Now what would you say if I could provide you with a fleece covering to use at home? Yeah, you’re welcome. Fleece is good.

It comes in a variety of fun colors. Variety is good. You can get the burgundy one and look like a Roman priest. Or you can get crafty and sew a big gold “R” on it and make it a Redskins Snuggie (um, did anyone else see Jesus for a second there? Perfection.) Royal Blue? An American Snuggie! Sage green? The Snuggie for the Pottery Barn fan – it’ll really make the room hang together. No boring old primary colors for you, you Snuggie-fan, you. No sir. Put that Snuggie on, belt it, and get the mail! Pick up the kids at school! And never let anyone say you sacrificed looks for comfort.

It has sleeves. Sleeves are good. More specifically, using your arms is good. Most specifically using your thumbs is good, as it is what makes us superior to the other animals (well that and our uncanny ability to write game shows). So by the transitive property of the whathaveyou having a Snuggie makes you superior to other animals. Just sayin’. Seriously though, you know how hard it is to wriggle into a comfy position with a blanket where all your extremities are covered? And once you get there you don’t ever want to move? Well inevitably you’ll need to use your arms to eat something, drink something, get the phone, turn the page of a book or magazine, change the channel. And when that one arm slips out the side of that blanket all the cold air rushes in and you’re screwed. At principal this really is the best part of the Snuggie. They took a blanket and gave it sleeves, thereby allowing you mobility and therefore functionality while still being cozy. I mean – is there a Nobel Prize for that?

There are some Snuggie detractors who will say things like “but it looks like a backwards bathrobe.” My answer to that is twofold: “no”; “so what?” If it truly looked like a backwards bathrobe it would have a tie around it. But so what? Pants look like a skirt that has been connected in the middle. A tube top looks like a skirt pulled up around your torso. The Washington Monument looks like a straw that’s doesn’t have a hole in the middle of it, has a pointy top, is made of stone, and is really really tall. And your point ….?

Perhaps the saddest anti-Snuggie comment is this “just put on a sweater and then get under a normal blanket.” Excuse me, Sir. When little Jimmy wanted a shaved ice treat flavored with syrup did his mom hand him am ice pick and a bag of ice and say “try not to kill yourself”? No – she bought him the Snoopy Sno-Cone machine and was the best mom ever. When Joan had a party and needed to make potato chips, a julienned salad, and taco toppings did she break out her cutting board and knife and get to chopping. No- she bought the Magic Dicer and did it all in minutes! Just because something can be accomplished a farily simply way doesn’t mean the pure novelty of accomplishing it another, totally different way, isn’t valid. In fact, I would argue, that’s what this country is all about.

So if you’re like me and you love being warm and cozy and using your arms (and thumbs) and you can appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit of our fellow Americans stand up. Stand up with me, and walk to your phone, and order a Snuggie. In fact, give someone you love a Snuggie, and a book – because if you act now you’ll get two Snuggies for the price of one PLUS this mini reading light ABSOLUTELY FREE! (while supplies last). Amen.


MEG: ANTI-SLANKET
I would first like to apologize to Becca for my heated words during our Thanksgiving dinner argument about the Slanket. Maybe I got too heated, maybe I attacked her, maybe I even threw around a few swear words that weren’t too Puritan making things at the dinner table a little tense and uncomfortable—whatever, I’m sorry. It’s just that Becca’s always been like a sister to me (wait…?) and I’ve looked up to her as the pinnacle of cool for literally my entire life. She’s the Fonz to my Richie Cunningham. Therefore it’s very scary to me when she makes crucial missteps in judgment like this and I tend to freak out. Kind of like the time she asked me if Nickelback was cool.

Now, onto the Slanket: this is the dumbest fucking thing on the planet and we as a race and people are worse for having it exist. For every Slanket that is sold, a kitten dies. I want the following people to choke on a piece of steak immediately: 1.) the person who thought, “OH MAN! I’m going to wear a robe backwards and market it as the Slanket! 2.) the friends and loved ones of that person who encouraged said person to move forward with the idea 3.) the manufacturer who agreed to make the Slanket 4.) the factory workers who didn’t turn of the machines the second they realized what they were making and finally 5.) any and everyone who actually purchases this abomination.

I’m going to dissect why I find the Slanket so offensive point-by-point because I get emotional and easily overwhelmed about this subject:

I think it’s stupid. I just feel like that should speak loudly on it’s own. I am the laziest, most easily impressed, gullible, irresponsible dumb-fuck shopper on the planet. I own the following: Mighty Putty, multiple Sham Wows, Therm-O-Seal, Air Climber Stair Stepper and the Shake It Flashlight. Need I remind everyone that I got the Gopher Grabber and used it so much it broke and it felt weird to pick up things with my hands again? The Slanket people are basically marketing to old people and me. And I say no thank you sirs. Even I think this is a horrible fucking waste of money.

It’s just a robe on backwards. AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO REALIZES THAT? Isn’t that a crucial design flaw?! I don’t understand why ONE person during the Slanket’s entire inception didn’t call Bullshit on that. I essentially already have two Slankets hanging on the back of my bathroom door right now. I’m going to take a fork, turn it upside down, call it as a cuticle pusher with decorative tongs on top and make a billion dollars.

It’s insulting. The Slanket offends me for the same reason why dickeys offend me: why do you think I can’t handle layers? If you’re under a blanket and your top is cold, how hard is it to put on a sweatshirt? If your feet are cold, put on socks. I also can’t believe the Slanket people sell you a backwards robe for $20 and have the gall to tell you it will cut down your heating bills. It’s almost impressive. Almost.

It’s not condusive to snggling. When you snuggle under a blanket, a crucial part of that act is pulling the blanket up and over your body and then snuggling into it. I like the feeling of clutching onto the blanket when I snuggle. You can’t do that with a Slanket. To snuggle in a Slanket you just hug and snuggle yourself. It’s like snuggle masturbation. Which proves that anyone who wears a Slanket is a real jerk-off.

The Fortress of Warmth is a Myth. During the Great Thanksgiving Slanket Fight of ’08, Becca’s big argument was that a Slanket allows you to have your hands free while you’re in the fortress of cozy warmth that being under a blanket creates. That is complete and utter horseshit. The fortress of cozy warmth is created because you’re under the blanket. It’s draped over you and creates a dome of trapped cozy warmth. You can’t wear the fortress of cozy warmth, and that is exactly what the Slanket and Becca ask you to believe. Can you honestly tell me that you feel the same magical sensation of being cozy under a blanket every time you wear a robe? I think not.

Decreases Your Chances of Hooking Up. Do you know how many hook ups I’ve had that started with snuggling under a blanket while watching a movie with someone? 100 billion. That’s how many. Two human beings can’t be under the same blanket and not hook up, it’s just science. Read a book. Imagine you take a special someone home, you turn off the lights, turn on the TV and then both put your respective Slankets on. No hookup is ever going to result from that. The word Slanket itself is like a form of birth control. “One second baby, I’m just gong to put my Slanket on.” You could argue that the whole hands-free thing could have its benefits, but where are your hands going buddy? I’m wearing a chastity belt of the highest quality fleece from head to toe!

You look like a purple Klansman. I think that says it all. My work here is done.