Because you asked

You know when life isn’t exactly going your way and things just build and build until something relatively insignificant happens and you snap like a twig? I snapped like a twig today. I totally lost my shit and I would like to thank the Google Gods from above for the “Save Draft” option on gmail.

This morning I was laying in bed searching through the new job postings on Craigslist feeling a wee bit frustrated with life when I happened upon this ad for a DC area Executive Assistant. Now, I sift through what feels like hundreds of ads for executive assistants everyday, so what made this ad so uniquely enraging, you might ask? You have to answer six obnoxious essay-like questions in addition to sending your resume and cover letter just to be CONSIDERED for a preliminary interview.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FOR SERIOUSES?! How many hoops are you sons-of-bitches going to make me jump through just to answer your phone and alphabetize some files?! I don’t want to offend any executive assistants out there, I mean I’m desperate to join your ranks so mad respek to you and yours, but let’s all admit it’s not brain surgery. My blood boils when I think about the HR person writing this ad; all fat and cocky with his job devising hilarious ways to make this process more difficult. You’re not hiring Jack Bauer asshole, so there’s no need to have a screening process on par with Homeland Security’s.

We all know I consider writing cover letters to be just as inhumane as female circumcision, so you can understand why I lost it when I read this ad’s “short answer” section. I decided that if this jackhole really wants me to waste my time answering their irritating and unnecessary questions, then I was going to waste their time reading my honest and unnecessarily obnoxious answers:

1 - Describe your previous experiences as an EA. What have you enjoyed about being in that role? What negative experiences have you had?
I’ve never officially been an executive assistant but I’ve run my life pretty well up until this point. I also have a lot of experience working for assholes on a power trip. Does that count?

2 - Are you currently employed? If not, why not? If so, why are you looking to change jobs?
I am not currently employed. And are you seriously asking me why not? That’s like when people ask why I don’t have a boyfriend. If I knew what I was doing to prevent that from happening, I would have changed it by now asshole. Likewise on the job front.

3 - What responsibilities do you want, and what expectations do you have for your next job?
I don't want any responsibility. It doesn’t really fit with where I am in my life right now. At least I’m mature enough to realize that. It’s why I think condoms are a good idea; I’m just not ready for the responsibility of a child. If I could use a giant job condom, I would. But only abstinence is100% effective, so maybe I’ll start practicing that in regards to my career too.

4 - What would your previous (and current) boss(es) say about you if I asked them what it was like to have you as their assistant?
Really? You really want to play this game? Now who would really answer this question honestly? Let’s go down my resume, shall we?

• Editor of magazine in NY: “Meghan who?”

• Boss @ Paper Source: “Meg was a pretty good employee for the first year she worked here, but then she only worked Sundays and every time she came in was either still drunk, hung-over, or still drunk and hung-over. She was frequently wearing the outfit from the night before and smelled like Lindsay Lohan. When we had to separate her from various co-workers because all they did was quote A League of Their Own and make 90’s dance-pop mixes called “Now That’s What Paper Source Calls Music!” instead of actually helping customers, she stopped coming in all together out of spite. So did she finally OD or something?”

• Director of the Gallery I interned for: “Meghan was well-dressed, good with computers and kind of snarky. Being an older gay man, I loved her.”

• Editor of AmLit: “I thought Meg and I were totally tight until she hooked up with a friend of my boyfriend’s in the bathroom at my Christmas party last year and when I jokingly called her out on it a few months later never talked to me again because she was so painfully embarrassed. Although socially awkward, she was a good designer.”

• Boss @ 3Citron: “Meg was the best freelance designer we’ve ever had. I am proud and honored to say that she is my sister. She is my reason for living. I strive to be more like her everyday.”

• Boss @ NEST (green/organic home goods store): “Meghan ruined our natural cork floors by walking on them in 5” stilettos one day. Her carbon footprint was also astronomical. Bitch.”

5 - What are your salary requirements/expectations?
Enough to move into my sister’s apartment so I can move out of my parent’s house and live like an adult again and she can go live in sin with her boyfriend.

6 - Tell me a bit about yourself (non work related info) so that I can get a feel for your personality. (Hobbies, interests, background, etc. - anything goes!)
My name is Meghan. People have called me Meg ever since third grade when there were three Meghan’s in my class and Mrs. Dougherty told me to think of a nickname to make things less confusing. I don’t have any real goals or serious aspirations at the moment. I like thinking of harebrain schemes to avoid facing the real world, brunch is my favorite meal, I’ve never broken a bone, I’m awkward, I’m an Aires, I’ll do anything if I get a free commemorative t-shirt at the end, the only shots I’ll take are Jägermeisteror or Goldschläger, I want a Shina Ibu dog named Steve and a red-eared sliding turtle named Stanley, I’m agnostic, if it turns out there is a God, I wouldn’t be totally shocked if it’s Tim Gunn, I never answer my cell phone, I think I have ADD and/or it’s hyperactive cousin ADHD and every time I bring this up with my mom she says “probably” and then nothing ever happens about it, every time there’s an MTV "True Life" marathon on, I watch even though I’ve seen them all, if I could be reincarnated into anything it would be a house cat, the fact that I a.) went to Hawaii and hated it b.) don’t like burritos and c.) don’t watch Lost makes me feel like less of an American, I’m horrible at math, my go-to karaoke song is “Brandy” by Looking Glass, when I see a couple on the street I can’t help but think of them having sex later, I’m afraid of heights, I taught myself how to swim, my favorite champagne is Andre extra dry, the only movie I ever walked out of was The Brothers Grimm, Mr. Burns is my favorite Simpson’s character, I’m oddly good at kayaking, I need to get my tonsils and wisdom teeth out but won’t because I’m scared and I quit tennis camp when I was six because Shannon Mertz made fun of my volley.

So now that I've bared my soul and we’re best buddies, will you please let me organize your mail, allow you to talk down to me and silently resent you until I find a better job?