Twilight makes me feel old. And confused. And high.

For the fist time in my life I feel old and out of the loop. And I’m having none of it. Becca has this theory that once you graduate college, you continue to wear what was trendy at that time, despite how fashion has changed. This theory explains why tapered jeans, sleeveless knit turtlenecks, graphic tees, khaki pants of all styles and jean jackets litter your morning commute.

To ensure that I never fall victim to this frightening theory, I work hard to make sure I’m in the fashion know. But I’d like to think I’m in the general know as well. I’m hip! I’m cool! I read the blogs! I watch the "Gossip Girl!" I know what “OMFG” stands for and I’m not offended! I totally know what’s up, you guys. However, what is this Twilight the young kids speak of?

The first Twilight rumblings I heard were on perezhilton.com in the form of “yummy” pictures of Robert Pattson dramatically sliding down a wall with his shirt open. I didn’t get who this kid was or why Perez Hilton was busting a nut over him, but I’m not partial to pale, skinny, effeminate guys who look like KD Lang at age 16, so I didn’t think much of it. (Seriously, I can't not see KD Lang when I look at him. Am I right, or am I right?):

However, this Twilight shit is all anyone is talking about, specifically the ‘youngins. After asking several friend’s little brothers and sisters and a couple random children I found on the street, I’ve ascertained that Twilight is a movie based on a series of books about vampires. Got it. Now I loves me a good vampire movie, I watch "True Blood" religiously and read the Interview with a Vampire series, so I get it; vampires are entertaining. But I still feel like I’m missing something. Why are these kids going ape shit over this movie? I heard it was God-awful and yet it still made bank this weekend at the box office and a sequel has been approved. What’s the secret?! I NEED TO KNOW SO I CAN FEEL YOUNG AND HIP AND JIGGY AGAIN DAMNIT!!!! This must be how my mom feels when she tries to use her cell phone and ends up calling 911 and breaking a finger.

So presuming I’m not missing anything and teenagers really are just psyched about this vampire movie—does anyone else agree it’s all a little emo and gay? I think the paramount movie of my teen years was Titanic, and I’m not saying that movie was the straightest of all films (God knows Celine didn’t help) but it’s slightly more butch than a vampire based Hot Topic love story.

And does this mean that goth kids are cool now? Lord knows I love fishnets and have always had a penchant for black eyeliner, so I wouldn’t be mad, but have we fully thought about the social ramifications of vampire-fan culture becoming mainstream in the halls of our schools? Imagine the movie Mean Girls but the Plastics are wearing crushed velvet Ren Fest dresses instead of mini skirts. And instead of going to house parties they get together in Wicca circles in someone’s basement. And they make over Cady to look like Emily the Strange instead of a total regulation hottie. And the Burn Book is replaced by anime! AND AARON SAMUELS LOOKS LIKE THIS KID:

(“Cady will you please tell him his gelled bang spikes look sexy pushed back?”
::sigh:: "Your gelled bang spikes look sexy pushed back.")

And if goth is cool, what becomes of Janis Ian, the school’s token goth loser? Is she automatically the new Queen Bee OR does she end up looking like Rachel McAdams, which is considered ugly because ugly is considered pretty like in that "Twilight Zone" episode? HOLY SHIT, the actress who played Janis Ian also played Amy on "True Blood"! FULL CIRCLE (SORT OF, NOT REALLY)!!!

My world just collapsed in upon itself.