Abortions, gay sex and health care for all!

Since you probably haven’t heard this obscure tidbit of political news yet, I’ll fill you in: Barack Obama has been elected as our 44th President of the United States, defeating John McCain in last night’s election. I don’t know about you, but I was pretty fuckin’ relieved when I heard this news. I fear Sarah Palin like people in medieval times feared the plague. You know how certain celebrities said they would leave the country if Bush beat John Kerry in 2004, but then blatantly didn’t and hoped no one would call them out? Well I was very seriously considering bouncing if Palin’s hockey stick came anyway near touching the White House. Ergo, yayyy! Obama!

I really liked Obama’s acceptance speech. I always considered the US to be a bit like Regina George’s character in Mean Girls: beautiful, confident, popular, feared and ultimately hated. Thus, Obama’s acceptance speech reminded me of Cady Herron’s Prom Queen speech. It was humble and hopeful for the future. However, it would have been better if Obama broke his tiara and through the pieces into the crowd….just sayin’.

As Obama’s speech ended and the streets flooded with rioters, I felt a certain sense of loss. I should be happy; Obama won, change is on its way, I can finally stop researching DIY abortions, and yet, I felt genuinely sad. Why you may ask? I have one word for you: Maverick.


Turn your speakers up and click play!



Oh Johnny…I’m gonna miss you man. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Except I’m not sorry because we don’t see eye-to-eye on anything.

I really can’t explain the intense affection I have for John McCain, but my love for him is real (but not real enough to vote for him.) Although it goes against everything I believe and stand for, I sort of wish I had voted for him. Here’s why:

- His acceptance speech. While everyone was getting choked up at Obama’s touching acceptance speech, I was a shaky hot mess, seconds away from bursting into tears during McCain’s concession speech. It was so humble and eloquent! My Johnny Boy seemed genuinely concerned when the rednecks in the audience started to boo Obama (and speaking of scary republican antics, did anyone else notice when the camera panned to what looked like a Neo-Nazi with one hell of a handle bar moustache for an uncomfortably long amount of time?) J McC loves our country and doesn’t want it to be divided! It was very “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” of him.
- The Torture Factor. Now, I knew that McCain was a POW, but was unaware that he was tortured on a daily basis. This knowledge breaks my cold, jaded, little heart. After five seconds of torture, I’d tell you whatever the fuck you want to know and then some. He’s so gentle! How could you torture him?! My List of People I Want a Big Hug From has been officially amended to include: Tim Gunn, Bob Villa, Clinton Kelly and John McCain. Welcome to the club, sir.
- His Smokin’ Hot Family. Those McCains are mighty easy on the eyes (except for the adopted one.) Obama’s ears distract me, Michelle looks like she’s got a stick up her ass and might kick me out of college for smoking pot in my dorm at any moment and it’s just plain creepy to refer to two little girls as “smokin’ hot.” (Or so I’ve been told.)
- The Death Factor. The man was captured and tortured, served in office for a babillion years and is about to meet his maker. Can’t we just throw him a bone and let him be president for a little bit? He earned it. We can get the Make a Wish Foundation involved. Except in this case it’s not a terminally ill kid going to Disney World; it’s John McCain running our country. It’s not his fault that he dreamed bigger Timmy…
- Sarah Palin. GOD DAMNIT I HATE YOU, YOU BITCH! My boy was doing just fine until he introduced you as his running-mate (and you know it wasn’t his idea.) Maybe you could have let the man know you have a few skeletons in your closet. Huge skeletons. Like a retarded baby with questionable maternity issues, huge. Or a couple of state investigations regarding your expenses and conspiracy, huge. I think Palin took advantage of J McC in a big way. He needed to bust out a wild card for his VP pick to get some edge and she was just bat shit crazy enough. There is no way she’s as dumb as she seems though. I think she took advantage of McCain to become his VP pick to use that exposure and publicity to make a name for herself so she can run for her own presidency in 2012. BOO-YEA! I’m always one step ahead of you Palin…one step.
- A Cast of Crazy Supporting Characters. I’m sure it can’t help when you’re name is associated with Sarah Palin, The First dude, Bristol Palin and her white trash boyfriend/”fiancée” and teen pregnancy, Heidi Montague and Spencer Pratt, hunting big game from a helicopter, Alaska as a whole, that crazy chick in Pittsburg who claimed she was jumped by a black Obama supporter who beat her up and carved a backwards B into her face, George W. Bush, Elizabeth Hasselback and your wife (bless her heart) and her multiple pill addictions and creepy Stepford wife vibe. None of those things are your fault, talk about a bad fucking break...

What’s done is done though and I can’t turn back time. Even if I could, I would use the opportunity to actually get the balls to say something to Michael Showalter when I saw him on Madison Avenue because I know if I had said something, we’d be married with a kid by now.

Overall, well-played John McCain. I’ll miss seeing your Hans Moleman-esque face in the paper everyday. God speed.