[Before today's post, I want to give a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to quite possibly the most entertaining person I know, my BFF^max 4lyfe, Jill! You may remember Jill's work from when we got beat up together on Roosevelt Island. "Best friends who get slugged together, hug together." I love you Jaikey!]
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Well, my dream of an endless summer has finally come to an end. I'm a design tempstitute. Game over. Dream shattered. End of an era. Time to grow up.
Score:
Real World: 1
Meg: 0
Sigh...Bright and early Monday morning, I re-joined society as a productive, eager, young professional. I woke up freezing cold in the dark at 6 am, almost fell asleep and drown in the shower, fought rush hour traffic, belligerently shouted “SO ARE WE JUST GOING TO HAVE A CIRCLE JERK OR ARE WE GOING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DRIVE?!” at a little old lady in a Neon, arrived at my tempstitute job 15 minutes late and cracked at least four “Hey, it’s Monday! What do you expect? LOLZ!” jokes. Ah, it feels good to be back in the real world!
The Job:
+ I face a window that overlooks a pretty sweet view directly in the Reagan flight pattern and it’s turned me into a house cat. When I'm looking at my computer screen, the second I see something shiny fly in the sky, my eyes widened, my neck dramatically snaps up and I stare out of the window like I’ve never seen an airplane before in my entire life. I’m bringing catnip and yarn tomorrow.
- NO INTERNET. I've never been stabbed in the heart before, but after hearing this, I think I have a pretty good idea of what it feels like. But on the bright side I solved the mystery of what people did all day before the Internet—they stared at airplanes like house cats.
+ I have two giant ridiculously high-tech computer monitors. There is absolutely no need for this gratuitous display of technology, but I did enjoy pretending I was the captain of a space ship in the year 2095 all day.
- My desk-mate is a born-again Christian who makes constant references to Harry Potter. Of course she is.
…Finally we come to the most exciting part of my tempstitute job…
I was sitting at my workstation this afternoon, deep in concentration, when suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up and I got the chills. I shrugged it off and went on with my work, reassuring myself it was probably nothing. Then, I heard a woman approach my desk-mate and talk about how rude it was that a co-worker took a personal day after a death in the family. A wave of anxiety and anger rushed over me as this woman droned on and on about her "irresponsible" grieving co-worker and how when someone has "cancer of the everything, what else do you expect to happen?" I finally swiveled around and came face-to-face with the culprit. Ladies and gentleman, this woman was none other than the office Meek!
I don’t know why I was so surprised to see her in all of her camel-toe hugging, khaki pants wearing, braless and abrasive glory because as I’ve discussed, every office has one. If you’re unfamiliar with Meeks and my stance on them, I recommend you read this immediately. To summarize, a “Meek” is a mean geek and they bring out the inner-jock in me. I’m the proud President of EMO (the End Meeks Offensive). If you’re not with us, you’re against us. And if you’re against us, I’ll knock the books out of your hand and shove you in a locker.
Did you ever wonder what a leather painting of horses would look like mounted on an acid-washed jean jacket from 1992? Welp, thank God the Meek owns one and it was brisk out yesterday!
I want one for Christmukkah. Thank you advance.
----------------------------------
Well, my dream of an endless summer has finally come to an end. I'm a design tempstitute. Game over. Dream shattered. End of an era. Time to grow up.
Score:
Real World: 1
Meg: 0
Sigh...Bright and early Monday morning, I re-joined society as a productive, eager, young professional. I woke up freezing cold in the dark at 6 am, almost fell asleep and drown in the shower, fought rush hour traffic, belligerently shouted “SO ARE WE JUST GOING TO HAVE A CIRCLE JERK OR ARE WE GOING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DRIVE?!” at a little old lady in a Neon, arrived at my tempstitute job 15 minutes late and cracked at least four “Hey, it’s Monday! What do you expect? LOLZ!” jokes. Ah, it feels good to be back in the real world!
The Job:
+ I face a window that overlooks a pretty sweet view directly in the Reagan flight pattern and it’s turned me into a house cat. When I'm looking at my computer screen, the second I see something shiny fly in the sky, my eyes widened, my neck dramatically snaps up and I stare out of the window like I’ve never seen an airplane before in my entire life. I’m bringing catnip and yarn tomorrow.
- NO INTERNET. I've never been stabbed in the heart before, but after hearing this, I think I have a pretty good idea of what it feels like. But on the bright side I solved the mystery of what people did all day before the Internet—they stared at airplanes like house cats.
+ I have two giant ridiculously high-tech computer monitors. There is absolutely no need for this gratuitous display of technology, but I did enjoy pretending I was the captain of a space ship in the year 2095 all day.
- My desk-mate is a born-again Christian who makes constant references to Harry Potter. Of course she is.
…Finally we come to the most exciting part of my tempstitute job…
I was sitting at my workstation this afternoon, deep in concentration, when suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up and I got the chills. I shrugged it off and went on with my work, reassuring myself it was probably nothing. Then, I heard a woman approach my desk-mate and talk about how rude it was that a co-worker took a personal day after a death in the family. A wave of anxiety and anger rushed over me as this woman droned on and on about her "irresponsible" grieving co-worker and how when someone has "cancer of the everything, what else do you expect to happen?" I finally swiveled around and came face-to-face with the culprit. Ladies and gentleman, this woman was none other than the office Meek!
I don’t know why I was so surprised to see her in all of her camel-toe hugging, khaki pants wearing, braless and abrasive glory because as I’ve discussed, every office has one. If you’re unfamiliar with Meeks and my stance on them, I recommend you read this immediately. To summarize, a “Meek” is a mean geek and they bring out the inner-jock in me. I’m the proud President of EMO (the End Meeks Offensive). If you’re not with us, you’re against us. And if you’re against us, I’ll knock the books out of your hand and shove you in a locker.
Did you ever wonder what a leather painting of horses would look like mounted on an acid-washed jean jacket from 1992? Welp, thank God the Meek owns one and it was brisk out yesterday!
I want one for Christmukkah. Thank you advance.
Posts
5 comments:
The last legitimate office I worked in employed a fat man who blatantly slept through staff meetings, a really hot guy who sexually harassed me, and a woman whose acrylic nails were too long to type with. The elected official we all cheerfully worked for was arrested and is currently in prison for the next 8 to 10 years. I miss them all terribly and hope their lives have been as successful as mine.
Helena
PS If you steal that jacket for me, I will wear it for the rest of my life.
that is not real. there is no way that is real. there is no way someone saw that in a store/yard sale/dumpster and thought "god, i really need this leather portrait of horses to wear on my back". and it WOULD be on a jean jacket. tell me she wears it to top off her jean tuxedo and i will drop down dead here and now.
CK
*gasp* NO INTERWEBZ?!
I do not know how you are surviving....
Although, hat jacket had me laughing for at least a good ten minutes, so that's something. Why don't you offer to get it bedazzled for her, too?
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