Washington Post Wednesdays

From the Washington City Paper, September 26-October 2, 2008

From the Classified Section

Thick as a dreidel
But three times as long…I’m your average jew, but I rock a thong…today is your day… ‘cause I’ll put the “oy in your “vey.” Answer me, we’ll meet…if we hit it off, you’ll see the hole in my sheet… please, no paranoia… I’m really into rockin’ the goya. (and maybe have brunch at sequoia?) if your response rocks, we’ll meet for manischewitz and lox. Oy! Extra points: what rhymes with yarmulke?

O…k…I’m not entirely sure where to start. I can’t decide if I want to marry this guy or find out who he is just to make sure I avoid him at all costs. On one hand, I have to applaud his creative approach to classified writing, but on the other hand, this seems slightly half-assed.

I genuinely want to meet this guy (but not to see the hole in his sheet…) I think this is a good start, but I’m pretty confident I can edit this rough draft into something far more effective. Boo, I’m gonna help you out.

First of all, if you’re going to commit to the “LOLZ! Call me Seth Rogen because I’m just your average funny Jewish guy with a heart of gold LMAO!!!”- schtick, you’re going to have to try a little harder than this. For example, women can do simple math. Regarding your penis size, you allude that it’s three times as long as a dreidel. The average dreidel is half an inch long with a girth of .25 inches. 3 x .5” = 1.5” No woman wants to have sex with a penis that is 1.5 inches long and 1/4 inch thick. I'm not even sure if that qualifies as vaginal intercourse.

You won me back with, “I’ll put the ‘oy’ in your ‘vey,” and the hole in my sheet joke, but overall lost me with your fragmented sentence structure and numerous grammatical errors. It’s like you washed an Ambien down with a bottle of NyQuil before writing this. I don’t care how lame I sound, but nobody is too cool for grammar and correct spelling. Any guy who uses spell check automatically gets a base farther with me on the first date. Look, you already took the time to convince yourself taking out a classified ad isn't pathetic, write this poem and buy the ad space, why not go the extra mile and make sure it reads smoothly? Too busy ironing your thong?

I’m going to guess you’re trying to find yourself a nice Jewish wife. If that’s the case, I’m not too sure how prominently I would mention the fact that you’re really into “rocking the goya.” A nice Jewish girl doesn’t want to have to worry about your slutty Shiksa ex-girlfriend even before the first date.

Aslo, you posted this in the “Wild Side” section of the Classifieds. A nice Jewish boy talking about going out for dinner or brunch at Sequoia has no place in the Wild Side section. Get a little freaky with it! There's no shame in asking for strange ass, but you have to actually ask for it.

I shouldn’t write this for you or else you’ll never learn…oh hell, fine. Take this and thank me when you get laid:

Thick as an Israeli accent
And twice as strong…I’m your average Jew, Give you Kosher meat all night long.
Call me tonight, don’t wait another day…I’ll make you cry out for Moses and put the “oy” in your “vey”
I’m into freaky sex and want a menage a trois… Just me and you, but leave the door open for Elijah.
I got latkes in the oven and a brisket in my pants…I know you’re curious girl, so just take a chance.
I’ll light your menorah and leave your stomach in knots…My dick is so hard I’m about to plotz!
So call right away, we'll chat and meet…if things go well, you’ll see the hole in my sheet.

You're welcome.