That burning sensation is just the irony

You know that feeling when you're in your cubicle and think, if I play one more round of online Family Feud, I'm going to physically turn into Louis Anderson and kill myself? Have you developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from playing hour after hour of spider solitaire? Ever reached the awkward "some weather we're having..." point in a gchat conversation with your best friend because you've already discussed everything else on the face of the planet earlier that morning? These are frightening moments. The War on Office Boredom is no joke, and as (self-appointed) Secretary of Defense, it's my job to make sure our arsenal is always fully stocked.

Suit up soldier, I have a new weapon for you to play with today: www.inspotla.org

InSpot is a website where you can send comical ecards with a personal message to partners warning them that they miiiight have caught a little somin' somin' from you the last time you two got rowdy. You know, specifically HIV, but you can customize the STD to your case. (FYI: I first heard about this through the podcast Keith and the Girl. It's offensive and hilarious and therefore I'm addicted. You should be too. www.keithandthegirl.com)

I've never been in this situation, but I would imagine that having to tell the random Bro you effed last weekend that you have a scorching case of herpes might be somewhat mortifying. However, spreading diseases around like you're handing out lollipops in a doctor's office is no fun either. Therefore, I'm supportive of any way to anonymously let someone know they better get themselves checked out before having sex again. However, these ecards are a wee bit too lighthearted for the subject matter, and not in an ironic someecards.com kind of way. Take a look:

I like this one because you can actually hear the "eeeeeshhh..." and loosening of the tie when you read it.


That's a witty little catchphrase. But do we really need a zinger (in pink, no less) to say "I gave you AIDS"??? Why don't we just do this exchange:
Infected Guy: Did you hear the one about the chick who unknowingly had sex with a random guy without a condom and contracted HIV?
Fucked Girl: No, I don't think so.
Infected Guy: Oh, really? That's weird...CUZ IT'S ABOUT YOU! (BADUMP, CHHH!)


I think if I ever were to get an STD, I'm going to have a party and invite everyone I've had sex with. This is what the invitation will say:
Who: You and Me
What: Had sloppy unprotected sex
When: Oh man...three weeks ago? Four weeks?...to be honest it's all kind of a blur, that was a really busy month for me.
Where: My apartment. And speaking of my apartment, come over Friday night at 9.
Why: Yea...just come


Hmm...what says "I care about you, but not that much" more than breaking tragic news in an ecard? Oh I know! Breaking tragic news in a post-it-note! Ooo, you know what would burn more than the gonorrhea I just gave you? An ecard of a post-it-note!

Again, while I promote getting tested and having others get tested and educating yourself about safe sex, and blah blah blah, I also promote pranking and extreme tomfoolery. Thus, it is HILARIOUS to send these to your friends and scare the hell out of them.

Check out this one I sent to Eddie:


I think the most ironic part of this whole situation is that these emails usually get flagged as spam and never get read. And best of all, when you move it out of spam to your inbox, some email providers ask you to confirm that you really want to do that to avoid getting a virus. Hah! WHERE WERE YOU LAST SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN I HAD SIX LONG ISLAND ICED-TEAS AND WENT HOME WITH A GUY NAMED "RICKY," HOTMAIL?!?!?!