Craigslist = Shakespeare

Confession: One of my favorite things to do is read the adult gigs section of Craigslist. I’m fully aware of how sleazy that sounds, but honestly, nothing makes me laugh harder. I have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old, so I appreciate reading about people getting kicked in the balls and just generally enjoy when dollar signs are substituted for S’s. $ome people get their giggle$ from Family Circu$, I get mine from the adult gig listing$.

However, I don’t appreciate when people write confusing ads. How horny are you that you can’t run spell check or read over your ad a few times? For example…

IN SEARCH OF DMV'S FINEST LADIES AND GENTS

KABERET KING PRODUCTIONS IS CURENTLY SEEKING DMV'S MOST SEXIEST MALES AND FEMALES TO PARTICIPATE IN AN EROTIC EVENT!!!!! WE WILL BE SELECTING 6 INDIVIDUALS (3 LADIES) AND (3 MEN) TO PARTICIPATE IN DMV,S FIRST EROTIC CABERET. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR THIS EVENT, YOU MUST BE OPEN MINDED TO BOTH SEXES, 21 AND OVER, CONFIDENT, AND SEXY. THIS GIG WILL PAY 25.00 PER HOUR +. THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY (NO SEX INVOLVED)!! THIS EVENT IS BEING HELD FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!! TO BE CONSIDERED YOU MUST SUBMIT A NUDE FULL BODY PHOTO, AND FACE SHOT, WITH A SHORT PROFILE ABOUT YOURSELF/ WITH CONTACT NUMBER. ITS ALSO OK TO INCLUDE THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO INCLUDE THAT WILL MAKE YOU MORE TIPS!! THIS EVENT WILL BE HELD ON NEW YEARS EVE, WE WILL SCHEDULING INTERVEIWS SOON, PLEASE APPLY NOW!!! THOSE PHOTO'S THAT ARE SELECTED WILL BE CONTACTED IMMEDIATLEY.

When I read this, I was perplexed why anyone would want to have a sex party hosted by the DMV’s finest ladies and gents. That’s actually the least sexy situation I can think of. You might as well have a sex party in a bucket of ice. All I can picture is overweight white guys with sock garters and women with a whole lotta girdle and Hanes Herway action going on. DMV employees are real assholes, so the only way I could justify this posting is that it’s really a sick and twisted S&M party. Later it dawned on me that this is for DC/MD/VA’s finest ladies and gents. The letters “C,” “D,” and A” have never been more crucial in the history of the English language.

Handsome young thick hung football CEO love @ eat pu$$y $$$$$$$$$$$$ (look @ me now girls only !)
I am a young certified bachelor hung that loves football from Jamaica

currently looking for (1) Chick on da come up ..

We can work things on a 1 on 1 basis more like

(Partners,promoters,marketing,booking gigs,etc).

I have $500 to invest & very fast computer & a spot !!!

(I can be your body-guard & your mentor private shit plus travel)...

Holla @ me baby !!!

There isn’t one single part of this ad that makes sense.
1.) Is this man a handsome, young, thick, hung football CEO, or is he just shouting out random adjectives and nouns (Handsome! Young! Thick! Hung! Football! CEO! Toaster! Fiji! Antiques! Delighted! Femur! Limber!)?
2.) If the absence of a comma was on purpose, what exactly is a “football CEO?”
3.) Please tell me his email address is CEOlove@eatpu$$y.com
4.) I spent far too long trying to figure out how football from Jamaica differs from the US or UK version. I’m going to buy this man a gift set of commas for Christmas.
5.) What the fuck does “looking for one chick on da come up” mean? Say it out loud. It sounds like when you play someone talking backwards and you think the devil is telling you to burn your house down and kill your parents.
6.) New life goal: have a man tell me that he has $500, a very fast computer and a spot.
7.) Frankly, I think I might be interested in a job where you’re guaranteed a private shit and travel opportunities.

FREE CHINESE FOOD WITH CHICKEN WINGS ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: (WWW.PUSHERGIRLS.COM)

NO PAY !

JUST FOOD !

At first I thought this ad was geared towards people who find a buy-one-get-one-free bargain erotic. Later I realized the ad is trying to get models for “pushergirls.com” and the pay is in free Chinese food and chicken wings. I find this especially funny because this was their old ad from a few days before:

WE LIKE HOEZ WITH THINGS IN DE AZZ @$$$$$%%%$%$%$%#$%#$%$#%#$%#$%#%#$ (WWW.PUSHERGIRLS.COM)

YEAH BABY APPLY ON OUR SITE NOW

WWW.PUSHERGIRLS.COM

Here’s how I imagine that marketing meeting went down:
Advertising Guy 1: Well Fred, we may like hoez with things in de azz, but I don’t think hoez with things in de azz like us. We haven’t gotten a single reply to our ad!
Advertising Guy 2: Hmm…what would Don Draper do?… I’ve got it Charlie! Throw some free chicken and lo mein at ‘em and they'll be dropping down to show us their great wall in no time!